My 1st Driving Lesson

On Wednesday, 6 June 2007

6.40 am I woke up blearily. I was supposed to go for my first driving lesson. To say I was nervous was such an understatement. I prepared myself and exactly at 7, I received a call from my instructor who had arrived outside my house. Ok… so this was it, I told myself. I’m gonna start learn driving. Haha…

I saw my “L” license attached with my lesson card. After signing a few things, I was off to the driving school. He was bringing me to learn in the school, which was also a test centre. So there a circuit with all the necessary “road conditions” there, although it was really a very cute one – mini roundabout, mini slope, place where 4 parking lots were designed for testing and a small pocket of road for 3-point turns in front of them.

Anyway, my lesson first was to learn the gears. So I practised changing the gears - 1, 2, 3, 4 and Reverse 'R'. Then I learnt how to control the clutch and drive the car forward and backward. Did this a few times. Then I went on a slow drive around the circuit once, all the while following instructions from my instructor (Peter).

Peter is a very funny person. He's someone I would regard as "uncle" category, I guess. Haha. He has the typical pot belly, and is bald as well (or maybe he has very short hair, I can't remember). And he has a kind of... how should I say; for example, when he teaches me something, then he likes to go, "No one will teach you this wan, you know? Only Peter will teach wan!" He repeats it a lot of times too. Kaka... like when he taught me how to turn the sterring (in order that your car tyres will always be straight) and parking formula, and talking about teaching how to drive in the dark (as in night la, but he used the morning dawn time, around 5.30-6 am).

My class lasted 3 hours. 3 hours!!! Haha... so long. My arms and legs were so cramped. And I was sweating too. As in, from all that exertion. Oh, and I haven't mentioned how I had to adjust my seat. I pulled the seat to the front to its limits. And then I found that I still couldn't lean on the seat otherwise I would not be able to step on the clutch and still be able to see what was on the road in front. Adoi... Peter was quite nice about this though. He said it was always slightly more difficult for him to teach "not so big sized" students and for them to learn as well. So next class I would need to bring a pillow. =P

I think this post has reached the proper length already. And I can't think of what else to write anyway. Hah! I shall end here. Till my next adventure. Driving, that is.

I got into The Star!

Well... not me, actually. What I meant is, something I did. No, er... something I wrote. Haha. I was a day late reading the newspapers today. And as I was browsing through the Youth2 section of the paper, I spied the "Poetry Corner" edged towards the bottom right on the 2nd page of the "xXx" counselling section. And there, was my poem! My eyes went wide when I saw it. I'd sent it some time ago, and when nothing happened I just put it out of my mind.

To cut the dramatics... (hehe) the poem that was published was "Unrequited", which I had previously posted here on this blog. And just for fun, the poem at The Star's online page (which I think would only work before next Wednesday when the next poem comes out).

And another appointment

Hahahahaha.... actually this was the one I really wanted to write about. After finishing that interview, I got a call for another interview appointment. This time it was for "Creative Writer", for a spa and wellness company called The Spa Lover Wellness Group.

The conversation was simple actually. "Are you interested for this job?" she (the caller) asked. I was curious as to what the job entailed (this was just an application I did for fun). She said, "Well, we have a few spas under our promotion group. Then you have to go visit them and experience it then write about it." (not her exact words but you get the idea). Fu-yoh!! This job sounded waaayyy interesting. I was definitely interested now, if I wasn't before. Haha.

So of course I agreed for an interview. She gave me the address, and then said, "If you cannot find your way on Saturday, call this number" and proceeded to recite a number, then mentioned the name of the number's owner, "Eunice Ng". I said, "Ok" and thought nothing about it, aside from being so curious to see how it would turn out.

Since I was gonna go for the interview, I needed to know something about the company, right? I went to the website I linked above, and then - I saw Eunice Ng. THE Eunice Ng. Oh my goodness.... She's a celeb! Hahaha.... and I just had her number too! For in case I couldn't find my way. Goodness....

Ok, for anyone still in the dark, or if her name doesn't ring such a bell (after all, it didn't strike me =P), she's an actress in last year's series "Falling in Love" and she hosts quite a variety of lifestyle shorts (which I believe are aired on Astro). Otherwise, just click the link! Hahahaha...

Another Interview

I'm just fresh off another interview, still with an architecture company (Quirk and Associates Sdn Bhd). Position that I applied for is internship as a Design Architect. Basically I'm paper-qualified for the job, but I just applied for the internship instead of the long-term one (which is also vacant). The interview was fine, I guess, but they're gonna consider other applicants as well. First time I had an interview with more than one person.. kinda nervous actually. Haha. Especially since they looked sooo serious. They felt undecided about what would they hire me as, in their words, "intern or trainee architect"? So they'd give me a call by the end of this week.

The office was fairly easy to find, being in the vicinity of Mid Valley City. They were housed in the newer offices though, the Northpoint Offices. Very posh and comparatively high class, I would say. Well, at least from the outside. Haha. The office was not bad. Though I don't understand why it felt like a oven from the lift to the office. I had to answer an intercom before allowed entry. Then a flat panel of the wooden finish clicked, and I pushed it to reveal a door. The reception was kinda dim, with coloured lights shining against unfinished concrete. As soon as you walked in, there was a mirror too, in front of a few upholstered chairs.

The office definitely felt like a design office. I saw an angmoh too. Hee hee. But it was kinda.... quiet. And serious. People talking with whispers. Or maybe they have very good sound insulation on the walls. Haha.

梦。醒

梦里好美，快乐。
醒来不该，难过。
梦里真实，幸福。
醒来幻想，可怜。
梦里拥有，亲近。
醒来不可能，遥远。
梦里相爱，希望。
醒来错觉，无奈。
梦里欢笑，未来。
醒来流泪，

停止。

Job Interview

I've had many views for my resume online actually. The company that viewed me the most (7 times) called me for an interview on Wednesday. They are a design-and-build company, offering both architecture and interior design services, specialising in individual bungalows and factories.

I reached there early. Went up (it was in a row of shoplots) and was asked to fill in the application form in a room. Sooo many questions (even family members also have to write). After that, I was asked to go into the boss' room for the interview. So he reviewed some of the stuff I filled out, some sort like seeking confirmation. Then my lack for the job was mentioned, my being unable to do 3d and not having my own transport. Also, it seemed my expected salary was high too (I put RM 1500).

Anyway, it was basically him telling me what he would expect me (or whoever it was he hired) to do. Funny thing is, I applied for the position of an Assistant Architect. Then when I asked, "Who would I be helping?" because from what he told me, I knew there were 2 draughtsperson, 1 designer cum draughtsperson and 1 ID person. I didn't hear the mention of an ARCHITECT. So it turns out that, I'm not gonna be assisting anyone. In fact, I'd (or whoever it is he hires) be expected to do everything, "from scratch" in his very words. From the moment he accepted a project, he'd hand it over, and I would have to do everything from concept to schematic design to attending meetings to producing working drawings and if I was still around, up to the stage where the building would be issued a CF (Certificate of Fitness).

Soooo scary man... The job description didn't sound anything remotely ASSISTANT; in fact, it screamed ARCHITECT. And an experienced one at that. I'm only a diploma student, and faced with such responsibilities was utterly daunting. And as I justified my need for the RM1.5k salary (I would need to pay rent and save for further studies), he decided to offer me RM 1300 for first 3 probation months, and then if I could really perform, he'd raise it up to that RM1.5k figure. He added, "Cos I see that you can talk, confident person, not like the others I interview..." Hah! So funny...

Anyway, I haven't decided and he hasn't as well. He'll call me on Monday and reach a decision. 3 lecturers who heard me out told me "Just go for it!" I agree that it's a good learning experience. But I hardly think I'm qualified. Well... let's hope I hear from other applications I made as well =)

Just an Update

I've been looking for a job recently. I made a profile at Jobstreet.com, created my resume with their Step-by-step builder, and I was all set to apply for any job that caught my fancy. It's actually quite fun to look at all the jobs available. Makes you think that you have such a high chance of getting employed. Hee hee... that sounds a bit cynical (didn't mean it to be).

Anyway, I looked at some that seemed to apply for my qualifications (not that much actually). And then I also applied for some that was of interest and didn't require that high a qualification, the latest being Holiday Day Camp Assistant Facilitator. So far, I've made 11 applications. Currently, 4 of them are "in process" and 1 unsuccessful. Oh well, I suppose that's very good, considering that I haven't been using this service for a week yet. Haha...

Hmm... what else? I still have one last thing to hand in to college, and can't seem to beat myself up to finish it. *Sigh* And after that, I would probably work at fixing my grades (long story) while working, no matter permanent or part time or freelance. Oh! I finished my Illustrator class too. Had an assessment the previous week. Was quite satisfied with what I could do. Been practising by doing banners and leaflets for my mum (with pay involved). Next 2 weeks, Photoshop class is gonna be starting.

Been playing the piano a lot these days. A day without playing it for a while would seem a bit weird actually. Other than that, I've been intrigued by an instrument called the ukulele. So cute! It's like a mini version of a guitar (more like the size of a violin) but with only 4 strings. Haha... I'm planning to get one and learn. I can't press a full barre chord on the guitar, but I sure can with an ukulele! Hoping I have an advantage with smaller fingers. Hehe... I was watching one brother playing with it after church youth meeting today. He's still experimenting with it too (he's a guitar pro). I should get one soon.... then we'll see how it turns out! Hee hee...

Lightcraft Visit

This shall be my fastest post regarding a place I visited. Heehee... I just thought that since I had some pictures, I might as well put them here. I think about 20+ of us including 2 lecturers went from college to the Lightcraft gallery in Sg. Besi for a workshop plus tour. The workshop was conducted by a lighting designer there named Ram; and we learnt about the different lamp sources and how it worked with different fittings and in different situations. After that, we visited their display of lights before adjourning for lunch. Oh, and in case you were wondering, the whole workshop plus lunch was free of charge.

Some of the lights I captured:

Haha... this one boleh put as college logo =)





*P.S : Lightcraft lady says she pay her worker there like 3500/mth le. working environment so nice. can consider ho... =P

Mrs. Ong's Poem for Me

The other day, I flipped through my file of old achievements and came across a piece I treasured much above the others - a poem specially written for me, which I had kept since 1996. It was from the first principal I had in primary school. Perhaps some might not understand such an affection for such an authority figure, but I loved her dearly, and I believed she loved me too. In 1996, we (the students) heard that she was leaving the school to further her studies overseas. I was heartbroken, and wrote her a letter telling her so. On the day she left, I came to my class and found there under my desk, this poem (presumably left there by her son, who sat next to me then) :

A Poem Specially for Leong Yun Rui

Dearest Yun Rui, thank you for your letter,
You are indeed getting better and better!
In everything you never fail to excel,
Indeed God has blessed you real well.

Yun Rui dear, don’t feel sad for me,
For one day I’ll come back, you’ll see;
Not as your Principal, but as your friend,
You will find in me a helping hand.

You are so young and yet so intelligent,
You make proud and happy any parent;
Use the gifts that God has bestowed on you;
To make others happy and your life blissful.

I will never forget you, you are special,
For one so young, you prove so capable;
There is nothing I can wish better for you,
You are blessed, more than any I know and knew.

One thing that I advise as you go through life,
Always be humble, always for good strive;
You will never lack peace and happiness,
When you combine intelligence with godliness.

I have to go because like you I love to study,
I want to learn more of the world around me;
One day your beloved ones too will cry,
When for higher studies, you have to say “goodbye”.

But you will come back, just like me,
Maybe in a different capacity;
It doesn’t matter as long as memories remain,
Precious like the summer breeze and desert rain.

God bless you and your family everyday,
He will continue to watch over you in every way;
His angels will guard you as you grow,
To be a fine example, God’s pride on show!

Love,
Mrs. Juliana Ong
Principal
Sekolah Sang Suria
10 March 1996

She has come back here in the recent years. Whenever I read this, my eyes never fail to water. I hope to meet her soon... someday.

Tidbit - LRT

Share a little sweet incident in the LRT some time ago...

There was a family comprising the father, mother, a son and a younger daughter. The daughter was putting on her jacket. The sleeves were too long. She turned to her parents (who were sitting as she was standing), holding out her left arm to her mum. So the mum took the sleeve and started folding. Dad took the other arm. Now the little girl was totally facing her parents, with an arm in each parent's hands. Mum finished folding the sleeves in 2 folds in like, 2 seconds. Dad was still fumbling around, and seeming to realise his wife was done, turned to look at the sleeve she did. And he looked back and forth between that and the one he was folding. Left, right, left, right until the wife took mercy and held out 2 fingers to him, "2" (referring to folds). Dad took the hint and did it right finally. After like, half a minute later.

Heehee... =D

Old Friend's Party

I went to an old friend's birthday party yesterday. She wasn't exactly a close friend of mine, but I still met her on and off after she changed schools. I was kinda surprised to received an SMS inviting me, and since I haven't been in touch with most of my ex-schoolmates, I decided to attend. It was such a long time since I last went to a party that I only remembered I forgot a present half an hour before the party started. XD

I don't know what I expected actually. I told myself that seeing an old friend was reason enough. She stayed in a really posh area in Cheras, those sort of 3-storey bungalows on a slope with city nightline view costing probably 2 million, and that is only the house. Anyway, I met a friend on the way there so I joined her in the car with her boyfriend.

When we arrived, there were quite a few people there already. Saw some people I really haven't seen for at least 3 full years. Too bad those I was closer to weren't able to make it. I called one there actually, and she said I sounded different, more grown-up. Hah! Found out that 4 of the people in my batch had gotten married already. Goodness! When I saw the photos in Friendster some time ago, I thought my eyes were playing tricks with me. So now I had it confirmed, one of them having had his dinner just last month, and another earlier this year.

We explored the house, the gang of us from the school. I wished I had obeyed my instinct to bring my camera. I quite like the house actually, although the interior finishes and furniture are not to my taste (quite Chinese, mostly white and golden gilded, elaborate fans and chandeliers). I liked that the house had an outdoor garden on the 2nd level, complete with a swing and a pavillion. There were a few terraces and balconies on the upper floors that allowed you the view I mentioned above. And being a 3 storey house meant there would be a void triple volume. This space had a grand curved staircase from the 2nd floor. The wall was finished with man-made rock and had a mini waterfall trickling into a small pond below too. Only thing was this volume is not fully visible from the front when you enter, which is a waste.

After cutting the cake and eating it, there was really nothing much to do. Small talk could only last so long. Quite a few of them started to leave, and I managed to get a ride from a kind friend to a place where my mum could pick me up. I was there for only an hour and a half. Didn't have the feeling that you just came back from a party I used to have last time. Haha... Something to do with being more grown-up? =P

我以为

我以为我已经健忘了
我以为已经不痛了
也以为不在乎了

我以为可以看得开
以为没什么大不了的

我是真的已经在努力
我知道我不能再想了
光是这点，心就已经紧紧地。。。

我以为可以很简单
曾希望不会需要太久

我以为。。。

Unrequited

wrote this way back in the year 2000. i found it just today. to think i felt like this then too... =)

By watching her,
She could see the love in her eyes,
The love for a person,
Who doesn't love in return.

By watching her,
She could see the sparkle in her eyes,
A sparkle of fascination,
To him only condemnation.

By watching her,
She could see the need in her eyes,
The need to be loved,
A need never granted.

By watching her,
She could see the pain her eyes,
The pain of having loved,
And not loved in return.

*published in Youth2, The Star on 6 June 2007

Tidbits - Mamak

As I sit here falling asleep (and most probably would 'slip' away soon), I thought of sharing 2 short incidents, 'tidbits' in my life. Both of these incidents happened in one of the most popular cultures of Malaysia, the mamak.

Incident 1:

Yesterday, my family and I went for dinner. As we sat down, the boss came to take our order. He asked, "Minum apa?"

My mum replied, "Roti sardin"

Without blinking an eye, the boss continued, "Minum roti sardin, makan apa?"

I looked at my brother, and we both burst out laughing.

Incident 2:

This morning, I had breakfast with my mum. The boss came asking, "Nescafe tarik, teh tarik?"

Mum replied, "Nescafe tarik", then gestured to me, asking me what I wanted to drink.

One of the workers asked, "Teh tarik a?"

The boss, with an imitation of a little girl, "Dia cakap, Saya mau milo..." =P

What I Do in College

I’m supposed to have graduated. Yet I still faithfully go to the college, waking up everyday at 6 a.m. to hitch a ride with my mum who goes to the same place. Then the same routine – arriving before the sun arises (if there is no traffic jam) and buying the Star newspaper at the Caltex petrol station before going for a breakfast of two half-boiled eggs and a ham and cheese sandwich at the coffee shop.

Upon arriving in the familiar institution I call my college, I stumble in to the computer lab, switching on the lights, air-cond and computer, so forth. Oh joy! I’m connected to the Internet. After searching around Google aimlessly for some time, logging into my e-mail and deleting those e-mails I never read yet not reading those I would, listening to some songs, visiting some blogs, it’s almost 9 a.m. Some early birds would have arrived by now, preparing for class while I excuse myself to hide in some isolated studio where I slip into undisturbed dreamland.

Few hours or minutes later, I wake myself, momentarily deciding if I should start my work. Before that idea starts forming into something concrete, I’ve already gone on to slumberland yet again. It’s almost lunch time now, as I greet some familiar faces of those who make the same vigil to college as I do. I open up my pile of butter paper and sketches, looking at my progress and pondering… pondering… pondering. Time for lunch.

My feelings of dread come once or twice in a day. Once, when I turn my head to find the face and eyes of my lecturer staring back at me. Twice, when I turn my head the other way and find the same thing looking back at me at another time in the day. At which point I would usually turn away and run back to the work I’m supposed to be doing so that some degree of guilt would go away. I alternate between CAD and online messaging, or I believe the more flattering would be to say, multi-tasking.

All too soon, it’s almost 6 p.m. Work time is officially over, and mine seems so too. Some more surfing, some downloading, some reading, some listening, before Mum says to call it a day. Probably a dinner if the stomach protests too much, and then the sleeping car ride home.

Few people have asked me what I do everyday in college. I often shrug and give a Even-if-I-told-you,-you-wouldn’t-understand look.

Vortex

Love... a vortex?

love seems like light at the end of the tunnel...

yet within the light, therein lies a deep, dark channel...

*inspired by a post from May's blog

Just Let Me Love You

by Joanne Avanzado

Of all the people in this world, Why is it you that I fell for There could be someone better than you Someone that I can depend on If only I can teach my heart I’ll say I should forget you But even if I tried to My heart still beats for you I know it is wrong And I must learn to be strong Coz your heart is not free It’s with someone all along Let me love you silently Let me hold you in my dreams Just let me feel the way I do To love me back, you don’t have to…

~found from LovePoetry

你，和别人

终于明白
为何你是那么肯定未来
在我还傻傻的，
在我还盼望着，
原来你的未来，
早已在你心中
而我
是多么的希望，
你未来的那份幸福
可以是我给你的。

只能一直对自己说，
从此，你再也不在我的未来里，
在还没拥有，就已失去你
希望说多以后
自己会相信自己所说的
渐渐的接受是事实。

There was Her

The final attack. The most lethal yet.
And I was ambushed too.

The day I could no longer pretend
I never hoped for more.
The day all the signs I chose to ignore
Came to be true, and more.

The day I had a description,
Then a face
Then a name
Then a person
The day I knew there was her.

Can my ability to love like I loved you be taken away, only returning when the time is right?

Driven and Drained

This marks the third time my finals has driven to blog.

I think I'm really just in need of something else to do.
Maybe just searching for an avenue to let all the trapped frustrations within out.

The past few days seems to have passed by in a daze of work, computer, taking meals, getting comments and travelling back and forth to college. Sleep figured little in between, if any at all.

My body seems to have reached a certain point of limitation. I fell asleep unconsciously in front of my computer just now, sitting in my chair. I don't know when it happened, how it happened, and how long it happened.

Friends marvel at this "ability" to fall asleep. I don't see it as an ability. How hard can it be for the body to decide it's taken enough abuse and just "hibernate"?

Within me rage monsters fighting simultaneous battles. One strives to complete the formal college assignment, another argues about the hopelessness and futility of that. One brings up regret and remorse for idling time away, another charges just to move on and not think too much. Yet another thinks about a certain someone, its counterpart proceeding to emphasize another someone. Still another misses home, and another reminds that I'm leaving the other place I call home soon.

Few people are aware that I'm moving from the sisters' house in Subang soon. Next Wednesday is the end of January, and also my tenancy. When I decided to move out, I only wanted to get away from the congestion and overcrowding, as it had seemed. Now, as it approaches, I fail to comprehend a reason why I needed to leave. But there isn't really, a reason not to either. What complicates matters is that I have grown used to yet another place I called home for almost a year.

I'm beginning to treasure the peals of laughter breaking through the house. The gathering of people in the living room, in the kitchen. The long talks with certain one or two late into the night. The quiet of the night where music becomes my companion. My table lighted to segregate my "corner". The wind gently caressing the trees outside. The calmness of the roads at 3 a.m. in contrary to the day activities. The meeting of campus brothers and sisters every week. Going out with them.

Somehow as I wrote, I lost my line of thought. My mind wandered as it wished, soothed by music from The Lake House.

It's a wonder one can feel and think about so many things all at once. I half float around, feeling like I would faint but never managing to do so. I hugged myself tight to ease the urge to scream and break something.

Now back to the project that must be finished...

Final Countdown

Haha.. the title sounds so ominous...

The week before 290107 is here. To the 4th day already, no less. I often get the question, "How many percent have you done?" How do you count anyway? I have no idea how to answer, and I always say, "I don't know..." I'm also actually afraid to face the amount of work I have NOT done, but am supposed to finish.

Been visiting the college almost everday lately. One of the benefits of having a mum who works in the same place that you study in. It's good to ensure that I at least get in a few hours everyday spent on my final project. F-I-N-A-L. I'm having my finals. Can't believe that's the way I'm treating my finals.

Well, I have no idea how to set the pace for my project. Set-up is on Friday, which technically means that's the dateline. But I suppose many people will only do the model after that date. I have no drawings, no perspectives, no model, no board. As of NOW. Am I worried? Yes, to some extent. But I've been aware of squashing the worm of panic that's threatening to overwhelm me.

Why am I crapping here? Just for a reprieve, I guess. Not that I've been hard at work. No... I've been exploring the world of file formats and converting between them on the ever available World Wide Web. No idea why I'm doing such thing at this moment. Not to mention spent a few hours on it too.

It's time for an introspection (reminded from May's blog) again. To evaluate what I really want to do and NEED to do. To look at what I have become. To do some deep thinking.

290107

Haven't been writing something for light reading for some time. Those that simply chronicle the routine of life one goes through everyday. So maybe this serves as an update...

I'm actually in college now. The numbers 290107 signify the date I view with mixed feelings. One, I dread it to come; another, I wish it to come so that it will be over. The day of my final project presentation. Oh the joy! I don't know how to face this actually. But I really am hoping that I can just get it done with and declare myself to have graduated. Haha...

My classmates are kinda split over this I think. Some have finalised their design and are moving on quickly in their work. Some are still stuck and trying to figure their way out. Some are not doing anything at all, trying to get into the mood. I'm kinda in the second category, I guess. I envy those in the first, and identify with those in the third.

My mum is now working in the college instead of school. It's quite funny, how her work place changes with the place I'm studying in. It used to be my alma mater. I was there for 2 years before she transferred to be a teacher there. And now, when I'm almost graduating, she got transferred here. I wonder how my siblings are getting on with their new routine. I hope they're fine.

I kinda miss the days when I was home everyday. I saw my family members everyday. Now, as it has been since 3 years ago, I only see them every weekend, and that for a few hours maybe. Some people see how well I get on with my brother and sister, seeing us chat and not arguing at all. Then another remarked that I haven't been home to argue with anyway. That got to me. I think it's true, actually. We're so busy catching up with our lives the past week that we can't be bothered to argue. Is this something good or bad, I can't determine...

Before I get too nostalgic, I'd better scoot back to my work. I'm so afraid that I'm gonna regret all my procrastination. That's the thing driving me on actually. That, and the fact that I really need to produce something for my finals so that I can continue my studies after I graduate from here.

契约

Actually I wrote this in February last year. I never quite got around to "implementing" it. Haha... Anyway, it kind of fits with what I should do now... So, I need to write this promise to myself. This shall be an agreement, 我的契约。

想好了。

不想再让你怀疑
不想再听你说害怕我
不想再听你说没希望，
不想你远离我。

因为你说在保护我，
所以先说拒绝我。
不想因此而伤心，
不想因此而流泪。

似乎，
唯有我放弃你
才能这样。
但是，
我很抱歉
我知道我不可能做到
也许因为我不想做到。

所以，
从今起，
我会收起
对你所有的感觉，

所有的事情，
所有的思念，
所有的关心，
所有的快乐，
所有的悲伤，
所有的爱。

我并不坚强，
所以我没有把握
也没有信心
能够办到以上的一切。

我只能进我所能，
在家人，朋友面前，
不再提到你，
不再谈到你。

请你给我一点的时间，
把我在你身上的感情
慢慢的收回
但请你不用再警告我
让我自己决定停止
让我自然的了结。

在这清晨
在哭泣
在不舍中
把你藏在
心理的隐秘处。

Twice burned

Somehow, I need to write about this. After all, it IS the thing I most dreaded happening.

A repeat of being broken, numb, and cold.

I started to pray when I saw a new e-mail. Praying it wouldn’t be you.
Then I saw it was indeed you; the first line told me what I dreaded was true.

Reluctantly, I clicked to read what was sure to be another death sentence.

“Impossible”, “nothing else” and “never will change” jumped out at me.
The notion of a time longer than forever.
I started to tremble and sunk in my seat.
At the same time, something warm rose in my eyes and fell.
My vision blurred, my body trembled and chilled.

I didn’t absorb everything. Maybe my mind had tried to close off what it knew would stab at my heart. But I couldn’t bring myself to look once more, to comprehend all. What I knew already brought enough pain.

Why did this attack come again? When I received the first, I hoped it would be the last.

I couldn’t face the computer anymore. I walked away, to curl myself up and let it out. Finally, I went to my bed, and covered myself in a blanket, and sat with my head against the wall. Tears flowed for a while, then dried, then flowed some more.

Cold, broken, numb.

只是一个告别

今天，我对你又有了新的感觉。
发现，虽然和你在一起的时候，不是什么兴奋的事，但还算是幸福吧。
就算没和你说活，但看到你，已经是一种满足。

当一离开你的身边，
我的身体突然好冷，是从内里发出的冷。
心，不安，不舍。
后悔离开，不想让你走开，走远。

理智控制情感，
让自己不回头，
向前走。
每一步好重，好难走。

终于可以回头那时候，
你已经慢慢离开我了。
我们的今天结束了。

只留我一个人。
不知道如何面对失去的人。
第一次变成这样，
心里好像不见了什么。
有一个洞，
忽然开了。

心情很沉重，
心思很混乱，
想流泪解决，
但泪水啊。。。
好像躲起来了。

只是那么简单的告别，
却能让我变成这样。
完蛋了。。。
我完蛋了。。。

Austen Character.. hmm...

You scored as Emma Woodhouse. Emma is possibly one of the most loyal characters of Austen, always wanting better for those around her and doing all she possibly can to make it happen. Her motives sometimes get in the way of her good intentions and her own opinions can end up ruling her actions, but she has a good heart. She loves to be social and is welcoming to most, unless they are too silly to tolerate. While she sometimes changes her behavior to make others feel comfortable, she knows who she is and is always bettering herself. Which Jane Austen Character are You? (For Females) Long Quiz!!! created with QuizFarm.com

Cheat, Or Not?

I had just finished a visit to PAM (Pertubuhan Akitek Malaysia) for an assignment when I encountered a curious, new experience. Upon reaching the entrance of KL Sentral, a man approached me, asking, [The conversation hereafter shall be a translation of the actual one carried out in Mandarin] "Miss, do you understand Mandarin?"

He was dressed in a dark blue shirt with a red collar, and black trousers. He had short, something like crew cut hair. His face was quite large, with fairly big, alert eyes, and thick eyebrows. He even had a little belly. I would venture him to be around early to mid-30s. He was carrying a briefcase.

He asked me to listen to him for a while, and after that I could leave if I couldn't help. He introduced that he was from China and was asking me since I was Chinese as well. I guess I must have looked kinda wary and even nervous (this is my first such encounter) that he said, "You don't have to be so afraid, I'm not a bad person." I tried to ease up a bit, but still felt bit uneasy.

He described that he had run into some difficulties, and that his "lao zhong" (boss) who was supposed to be here today informed him that he could only come tomorrow. Then, he stated his motive - that he currently had no money on him, and asked if I could spare him some money to get food. Well... I was on my guard now, 'cos he certainly looked pretty decent and not the kind who would be starving just dut to the lack of one meal.

He said he would return me the money tomorrow, and that "the amount is not important, but we can become friends." I wasn't sure if to believe him, so I asked, "How are you going to return the money to me?" He said, "Leave me with your handphone number, and give me a chance to repay you." Ha! My instincts strongly warned against this. He took out his handphone from his pocket, red in colour.

He persisted in saying that he would soon return my money, especially when his "lao ba" (father) came tomorrow. Strange, how come it was "lao ba" now? Thought he mentioned "lao zhong"? When I still made no reaction except to smile uncomfortably, he said, "Miss, you still don't believe me?? Leave me with your handphone number and give me a chance to repay you. I'm not a person who lacks money, just that I ran into some difficulties currently. The amount (money) is not important, but we can be friends."

I asked again, "How can you totally not have any money with you?" At this point, he became slightly abashed and said, "Frankly, though I feel ashamed to tell you, but I lost all my money in Genting last night.." My uneasiness radar was increasing... a gambler now?

He continued in his ramblings, "If you have the chance to come to Beijing in 2008 for the Olympics, you can call me up. Come together with your family, and all you expenses, air ticket, will be paid by me." This was sounding a bit overboard now, isn't it? He now emphasized on how we could be friends, saying things like "We're all Chinese, all descendants of the dragon - long de chuan ren." I suddenly felt like saying, "I'm sorry, but I'm a Christian."

*Sigh* I so didn't know how to handle the situation, and whether to believe him or not. What's more, I was alone, with no one to consult. Finally, I decided that I couldn't risk giving him my handphone number, or the money, even the RM 10 he suggested.

I said I had to leave. He made one more final attempt before giving up and letting me off. I breathed in relief...

*So what do you think? A cheat, or not?

Soon to End

I'm in the second last week of my practical training already... Hahaha... I'm having mixed feelings though; not sure if I'm glad to have a break from working, or worried that I'll still face so many difficulties in my studies later... Well, nothing I can do about that, but just to wait and see.

My training has made me learn so many things, not only in expanding my very limited knowledge of architecture, but even more in life and living. During the course that I have been in this company, I have witnessed so much that would usually happen within a longer duration of time:

- My company has split into two smaller companies, with 2 bosses leaving to set up their company independently.
- Due to that, lots of furniture, computers (with valuable softwares), people and office equipments has been moved leaving the office half empty and full of cleaning to do.
- A colleague who was pregnant for 3 months getting a miscarriage due to all the stress.
- Another male colleague who left after a trainee reported to the police for harassment.
- The departure and resignation of approx. 10+ people (including those who left to the other company)
- Hence the employment of new architects, 3 of which one only stayed for 3 days (she was a fresh grad though - assistant architect).

Seemingly unconcerned with me, yet having to go along with these ups and downs, inevitably makes me really quite burnt out physically and mentally. But, when I mention this, most people would say, "Next time you'd be stronger."

If one would ask if I gained anything from this industrial training, I would answer in the affirmative, maybe not the knowledge I was seeking, but the experiences that came knocking.

The Rose

Some say love, it is a river
That drowns the tender reed
Some say love, it is a razor
That leaves your soul to bleed
Some say love, it is a hunger
And endless aching need
I say love, it is a flower
And you its only seed.

It's the heart afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance
It's the dream afraid of waking
That never takes the chance
It's the one who won't be taken
Who can not seem to give
And the soul afraid of dying
That never learns to live

When the night has been too lonely
And the road has been too long
And you think that love is only
For the lucky and the strong

Just remember in the winter
Far beneath the bitter snow
Lies the seed, that with the sun's love
In the spring becomes the rose

~sung by Bette Midler

Generation

Recently, I've been impressed with the contents of a magazine by the name of Generation. The articles are thought provoking, even life altering for some... Especially for those in search for something worthwhile to read, and to keep, do visit:

http://www.gogeneration.com/

"...It is natural to suppose that a Being so high above us possesses no desire... According to our logic, how could a Being who is indeed complete and perfect possess a desire?... When we really stop to think, it makes sense that God has a desire. Attention to the world around us reveals an important principle: the more living a being is, the greater its desire. A stone, for example, is lifeless; as an inanimate object, it has no desire. Whether it rests in a park or is ground to fine powder does not bother a rock one way or another. Dogs possess a higher life and present greater desires; human beings possess an even higher life and demand even more. As the highest life of all, then, God must have an enormous desire."
-from Vol. 5 iss. 2 Generation Magazine

New Place

An update after quite some time "lost" online... hehehe...

Well... as of now, I'm no longer staying in the 3-minute-away-from-college room in Taman Paramount, PJ anymore. On the contrary, I'm staying in a house with beloved church sisters in Subang, which is now a 3-minute-away-from-office place =D

Haha.. the move was due to my having to go for 6 months of practical training in an architectural firm, so currently I've been attached to S N Low & Associates Sdn Bhd for a month and 3 weeks. It's been quite a new and different experience.. but I must say I miss college and all my friends soooo much!!! haha... hope to visit everyone soon!

Erm.. the past few weekends I've been quite filled with activities too. 3 weeks ago, we had a youth serving ones' blending in Country Heights, Kajang. Stayed in 2 villas (21 of us) for an extremely relaxing and enjoyable 2 days 1 night! Haha... the feeling was very nice... and all of us seemed to be brought into a closer and warmer circle.

Then last week was our youth camp in Broga Camp, Broga. There were 57 of us, including youth and serving ones. We had activities like flying fox, obstacle course, low rope and rafting, which were facilities at the camp. It was another very fun and enjoyable weekend =) I got to know many new people (the youth) 'cos some of them were first timers to our camp... so it felt very fresh and light to me.

Ok... think will stop here. Maybe when I'm more diligent I'll write something more "poem" like.. haha =D

To have no hope

今天
你说
若现在没希望
也代表未来是一样
没希望

我的心
似乎停了一下
我寻问
若是未来的事，
你为什么那么肯定
会发生的
或你自己

你又说，
自己应该改变不多
所以已经蛮清楚了

你再次的在暗示我
再次的在警告我
再次的提醒我
再次的保护我？

很想从心里
大大声地喊
不愿意，不甘心

我想相信未来
相信那未能知的未来
你却不想让我有那个权利
为何你不能一样的
把未来
交给未来

我已经放松了，不是吗？
我已经想好了，不是吗？
说了是朋友，还不行吗？

我知道你是为我好
但我真得无法
因你这样
而不再次的悲伤

外面
在下雨
好大，好大的雨

朋友，是好的

常希望超越朋友
常想象，我们，会怎样
但其实不妨退一步，看清楚
是否自己真的要这些
或应该说，需要吗？

既然知道
现在不是时候
那就不需要寻找
不需要追求
毕竟
它，还不是
任何人预备好接受的。

我听了一句很有智慧的话，
“Be what you are until you are different”
还没超越朋友，
那我们
最好的，
就是当朋友。

Answers, some

On the spur of the moment
When empathy for me was with you
I picked up the courage
To ask the reason as to why
You had to send me that e-mail
The one that grounded me
And cause me to cease my fancies

The reason simple, you said
You’d become afraid that I cared
For you more than I should

So another question comes to me
“You’re no longer afraid now?”
You, after some hesitation
Reply that you do not know

My heart opened
And the wound healed
Because it was the best answer
And balm as it could ever be

It amuses me so
That you can’t figure me out now
That you don’t even know
If you should be afraid of me
I guess I have kept my word
And allowed you to lead the way
Following instead

So now we merely enjoy
Enlightening conversation
Lightly teasing, provoking
Revealing some, yet revealing none
Falling for your “traps”
Letting you make fun of me
Somehow you always win
Though I don’t mind, not at all

Endless possibilities ahead
With no way of knowing any
Where your path will lead you
Or where my route will take me
Will we still meet?
Will we still speak?
Will we be closer?
Will we be further?

We walk on ahead
Slowly, leisurely, pleasurably
Not heeding much the unknown
Nor caring much either

And so
For now
We remain simply, openly

Friends

Questions, so many *sigh*

I feel like I’m being caught into a hole
Sinking deeper and deeper
You’re making me confused
With this delicate web of conversation

You talk to me with an open air
Of our feelings, of what we see
And what we feel we need
In our future someones

It seems such an intimate topic
One to approach with care
So as to not overstep the line
Where we might burn, if we dare
Though perhaps me on the receiving end.

You ask me if there was
Someone who attracted me
When I hesitated you grabbed the chance
And asked my why my attraction

You made me so nervous
How do I tell you
That my someone was you, is you
Tell you why you
Captivated me so

I dared not say too much
In fear that you will
Recognize yourself in my words

You’re hinting at some attraction
I’m so curious, yet I hold my breath
I feel you’re experiencing
Something you might not want to
Perhaps that’s why you’re telling me
And since you started, you continued to

You never chose to act like this
To speak with such freedom
Because you were afraid too,
Of danger if you did
The danger of someone getting too close

Yet you’re opening to me
It certainly seems that way
Does it mean you don’t think
Me a danger?
If so, I’m not sure
If you’re right.

Even though my mind knows not to,
I might still be in danger
Of not being able to keep a distance
To hold you away
Because I don't want to, not really.

If you allow me to
I’ll continue to listen to you
Try to stay afloat
Hopefully not betraying myself

If one day you knew
Though you warned me in words so clear
That my heart crossed the line
Silently tying itself to you
One day you pushed me away
Not wishing to cause me any pain

I'd wish to thank you
Though it'd not be possible
And I would still hurt
But only because I chose to

Because I had
Allowed you to make me laugh happier
Allowed you to make me cry sadder
Allowed you close enough to hurt

Know that
I never really dreamt of anything further
Know this
I only wished to care for you.

我相信

我相信
雨过会有彩虹
乌云中也有阳光
所发生的事
都有独特的奥妙

我相信
人是需要关怀
也会关怀别人
显出最美的一面

我相信
悲伤会过去
跟着自己的选择
和时间的
顺其自然

我相信
自己会遇最相配的
让自己最温暖的
让自己最特别的
让自己最快乐的

我相信
有浪漫的爱
真实的爱
永久的爱
有童话般
最好的结局

我相信
因为相信
比较幸福。

05.12.2005

thank you, Mr. Lighting kekeke... =P (can't see the cake decor cream on my face liao...)

making a wish...

still with the wish... what's that hand doing there?.....

original version (i think it can be a college publicity shot too! =) see the logo and name at the back?)

photoshop version =P

习惯了的思念

如果对痛苦可以习惯，那么思念呢？也可以吗？我是否，已经落到这个地步了呢？

其实，说真的
我应该不算很了解你
也并不是很认识你
可能对你的事，我不是完全的知道
就只是你跟我说的而已。

在别人眼中
我们有了不该有的联络
有了不该有的见面
但我有一些难以接受
因为我很清楚
我们之间不是他们想得那样
甚至可能什么都不是。

因为你
槟城成为了另有意思的地方
因为你
我第一次觉得自己好特别
因为你
让我不顾一切的去问候
因为你
给了我小小甜蜜的幸福
因为你
也让我认识了他。

对你
我是否过于固执了？
对你
我是否过于敏感？
对你
我是否过于的习惯？

见到你
应该是我很难忘的事
是我期待的事
见了你
我的感觉却消失了
去哪了？

就因如此，
开始查问
对于你的思念
是否只是在脑海里
而不是真真的在心里？

若是那样，
之前以为是痛苦，就该不是真的了
若不是那样，
为何我见到你的感觉，没有任何的兴奋，或特别的开心？
还是因为太多的不应该，
蒙蔽了我见你的喜悦？

我好希望
对你，不是习惯的思念
不只是守着一些已经不是的事
如果是
那么
也该是


我放开你的时候了。

习惯了的痛苦

我在想，是否有习惯了的痛苦？对人付出，但没得到任何有意义的回报，应该是很痛苦的吧。付出的对象，不一定是你喜欢的那一位，我只是在说任何对你自己有一些重要的人。

当然，起初会希望他对你有些回应吧。但，即使他没那样做，你还是继续得关心他，继续得跟他联络。在生活上，有时候会想起他，然后会想“他过的好吗？”

习惯了他的不回应，习惯了他的不会打电话来，习惯了他忘记之前答应过的事。虽然不好受，但是习惯了。

因为习惯，痛，好像也不是那么痛。

Me and 17

Two boxes – one purple, one green
Purple revealed a cute little kitty with a wistful grin
Of felt, polyester fiber and beans
Green contained six hand-made
Uniquely beautiful clips for my hair bed
A card accompanied each one, both in purple envelopes.
Inside the same inscription,
“Happy Birthday!” the caption

A movie for pleasure,
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Then a meal for the stomach,
Manhattan Fish Market – the seller
Ooh~ heavenly seafood platter
Of fish, prawns and calamari in batter
Mussels too, making its patter.

Opening the door
Finding even more
A Cake!
Crafted, a smile to make

Warmness radiated
Both candles and friends beloved
As a song sung,
A wish made
I believe, from my heart too.

Further laughter
With playful banter
We sought each other
With cream, not the flower
Sparing not even the photographer

Trying to cut nicely
Yet failing drastically
We presented the cake “artistically”

Time came for more delights
Discovering one – CD of her likes
Dolphin earrings in their stride
Another box – a white one this time
A cow! A baby shoe?
Mobile phone holder, the pocket signed

Calls to some dear to the heart
In my joy, they were a part
Euphoria abated
Happiness accorded
My day ended.

A Little Princess

In my continual journey through the magical, wondrous and sometimes unimaginable worlds presented through story books, it is always satisfying to find one story that stays in the mind indefinitely. Often flashes a phrase, or a dialogue, prompts my mind then to search for the title of the story, and book if I have it, then to locating it physically, and browsing straight to where I thought of.

This story, http://www.pagebypagebooks.com/Frances_Hodgson_Burnett/A_Little_Princess/

is one that comes to mind often, quoted elsewhere a lot too.

I enjoyed it immensely, perhaps you would too! =)

很痛

真的感觉很孤单。

有式过在雨中走路回家吗？若没有，或许不知道，在雨中走路，真地会觉得好冷哦。。。
忘记带伞，所以只好淋着雨的走回家。

从来都没觉得上课，读书，是那么痛苦的事。或许是因为自己的懒，才会发生那么多功课做不完的事情。虽然该死，但知道了也不会好受一点点。

身边没有人，都只是自己跟自己的胡思乱想。

这时，觉得周围好静哦。。。
压抑的心情也越来越强，强的。。。好像无法呼吸。眼泪也会跟着掉下来。

哭了，又在想，为何每次都让自己变成这个样子？
不知道。。。

好像连哭的权利，都没有。


只知道，担心，加上孤单，还有一些的胡思乱想，

很痛。

My Best Friend

What happens to you when your best friend finds someone, THAT someone? Often I have read about this, but I've never really paid much attention to it. It's not that I didn't think my best friend wasn't going to find someone, it's just that.....well, I suppose we always have that "It'll never happen to me" attitude.

When my best friend did find her someone, I was really happy for her. Her happiness simply radiated, and who could help it but be influenced as well. She did seem more beautiful, indeed praised by some, "Wow... you're looking prettier and prettier!" to which she only smiled blissfully in response. I knew her someone as well, and I was glad that he was doing so much good for her.

What difference it made to me, was accepting that now my friend had someone else she was committed to. And in those articles, I had read about best friends who became jealous and tried to monopolise their friend and snatching every opportunity to gain affection. Sometimes, friendships were lost too.

I'm glad to say, I don't belong in that group. Of course, at first, you might feel a little weird, when your phone conversations get shorter because that someone is calling her. Or when she forgets to call back because she got waylaid by his call or message. When you don't have so much time to spend chatting, yakking on the phone with her anymore because she's out on a date. Even when you were shown the little stuff and mementos given to her, feeling grossed out by all the "mushiness".

Sooner or later, you'll start to realise, that your friend is still your friend. And most of the time, a better one. She hasn't stopped caring for me, neither has she been not around when I needed her. You'll find, that your friend even becomes much more adept at handling situations now, because her maturity has grown to accept anothers' opinions and thoughts. And that, is something I would treasure very much. Besides, things that seemed so difficult or impossible in the beginning, wasn't really that unimaginably hard at all.

Well, my phone conversation with her just ended. And yes, because her someone was calling. So, I hung up. With grace and acceptance. Perhaps, respect, too.

无奈

最痛苦，
最难过，
最令人讨厌的感觉。

发现事实，却无能做任何事。
只看着，
最不想发生的事情，
就在眼前，
发生。

当无奈时，
想大声说，“不要这样！”
“拜托你，真的不要这样。。。好吗？”

他能听到吗？
听到你内心里的呼喊？

在身旁的人，
替你感到可怜，
替你感到悲伤，
甚至替你流泪。

但至终，
留下的心情。。。

无奈。

Infidelity

Or sometimes known as "straying". Of course, someone can only be accused of this if they were, or-thank their lucky stars- are attached.

Sure, the lure of forbidden fruit seems tantalising enough.

However, the price of the pain the loved one will experience upon stumbling on the truth, seems to dim it so much more.

Shock.
Numbness.
Disbelief.
Denial.
Anger.
Hurt.
Pain.

Helplessness.

无奈。

Grammar In A Nutshell

Three little words you often see
Are Articles - A, An, and The.

A Noun's the name of anything,
As School, or Garden, Hoop or Swing.

Adjectives tell the kind of Noun,
As Great, Small, Pretty, White or Brown.

Instead of Nouns the Pronouns stand -
Her head, His face, Your arm, My hand.

Verbs tell something being done -
To Read, Count, Laugh, Sing, Jump or Run.

How things are done the Adverbs tell,
As Slowly, Quickly, Ill, or Well.

Conjunctions join the words together,
As men And women, wind Or weather.

The preposition stands before
A Noun, as In or Through a door.

The Interjection shows surprise,
As Oh! how pretty! Ah! how wise!

The Whole are called Nine Parts of Speech,
Which reading, writing, speaking teach.

-Anonymous-

Jealousy

Jealousy.
That familiar green eyed monster.
It seems to creep up unseen, unheard... yet it makes its presence felt each time unfailingly....

困难

虽然功课真的让我觉得很辛苦,很困难,但还是要"加油加油加油"!

开心的事情

哈哈。。。上一次说，要开始写一些比较开心的东西。。。

我发现，其实要开心，也不是一件很难的事情。只是我们对开心有什么定义而已。我呢，好像好多东西都很容易让我开心。就好像，嗯。。。找到一首我很想要听的歌，突然脸上也会有笑容。。。 =)

看到好久没见到的朋友，也是会令我很开心的事。那天，有一位从来不打电话给我的，在一天内，打了两次给我。那天，我真的真的好高心哦。。。=)

还有，看到自己喜欢的东西，也会觉得开心。例如，很可爱的小熊娃娃，还有。。。巧克力，也当然不能少的冰淇淋！哈哈。。。

感觉肚子饿了。。。下次再写吧。。。

悲伤 VS 快乐

已经有好多人问我，为何我写的东西，好像都只有悲伤的感觉。嗯。。。这应该怎么说呢？我只能回答说，因为当心情不好的时候，或是感到悲伤的期间，才会写出来咯。。。可是当快乐的时候，没什么感觉要写啦。。。

我在想，是否是我自己想太多太多不开心的事情呢？若是这样的话，那我是否应该努力的让自己更快乐？但其实，我每天都过的快乐啊。。。只是没写出来而已。。。

我从来都没想过，原来我写的东西都会让人担心我。。。

我看，应该是时候写下我开心，快乐的事情了！

冷

我好冷。。。手都快不能动了。。。回家。。。

在我身边

我的头感觉好重，好痛苦。。。很想真个人都变成软软的。为什么会有力量来写这些，应该是因为我好希望有人知道我有多难过。。。

刚刚，我想到一个人。我在想，如果他在我这里，照顾我，那会有这么样的感觉呢？奇怪的是，他不应该是我第一个想到的人。是我最近，跟他在一起太多了吗？不知道，也不是很在乎。不想想那么多。。。

现在，如果有人在我身边，就好了。。。 若可以的话，除了照顾我，也赶快地把我的痛苦都带走。。。

Dessert!

Recently I found that people around us can be quite creative when they are given the chance to show it... Hahaha... yesterday when I went to Serdang, I found that they (the brothers and sisters) actually were taking part in a Dessert Competition. I found it quite comical really, the idea.

Anyway, I waited to see the show while I helped Sister House 4 decorate their "Ark", the one Noah built to save his family and everything else. And wow! these people were really quite creative in relating some spiritual meaning to the desserts they made.

Well, let's display the names that were there first - we had "Manna and Living Water", then "God is Love", "God's Expression", "Oneness", "Fountain of Life", "Living Bread from Heaven", "All-Inclusive Christ", "The Ark", "God's Salvation" and last but not least, "Little Water Lily".

Haha....if that wasn't impressive enough, wait till you hear how they presented the meanings behind everything. The first one, "Manna and Living Water" was glutinous balls 'tang yuan' in sweet syrup. Then "God is Love" was actually jelly, but they decorated it with one big heart shape on the outside, and then one small one within it, signifying God's love in comparison to our natural human love.

"God's Expression" was actually spring rolls 'popiah', though how were they related to God's expression that I do not know, or should I say "see". =P But the presenter certainly did try a good job explaining almost every item on the plate, including the sauce for the popiah.

"Living Bread from Heaven" is really bread, spread with kaya and fried with egg. "The Ark"was actually a dish I'd never seen before, probably a specialty from East Malaysia. It was made of crackers, layered with pork and luncheon meat, and steamed; 3 layers in total. Then there were slices of peach for the "waves", and some green vege cut to the shape of 8 human figures. =)

"God's Salvation" was the simplest dish, white, round jelly. The explanation was that God's salvation requires us only to accept Him simply, and the roundness typified the completeness and perfection of God.

All in all, it was a really fun Inter-Varsity Night. I'm sure everyone enjoyed themselves very much! Haha... oh, I haven't wrote who was the winner yet right? Well, the 3rd place was "God's Expression", then the 2nd was "God is Love", and the winner - *deng deng deng deng* "The Ark"!

Haha.... I had somehow unknowingly become part of the winning group.... =P Anyway, it was certainly a nice experience. I'm very glad that I bravely went (I say this because of the haze)!

I Didn't

After the poem below, I wrote this one:

I Didn't

I didn't think, that I would fall
Didn't think, I'd be trapped
Didn't think, it went so deep
Didn't think, I would be stuck

I didn't mean, to fall so hard
Didn't mean, to fall at all
Didn't mean, to feel like this
Didn't mean, to dream even more

I didn't know, I was in danger
Didn't know, history would repeat itself
Didn't know, it wasn't time
Didn't know, it would hurt once more

I didn't ask, to be this way
Didn't ask, for wounds to be opened
Didn't ask, for words to come
Didn't ask, for them to pierce

I didn't hope, that you'd be sorry
Didn't hope, that you'd turn around
Didn't hope, that I mattered
Didn't hope, that you'd care
Didn't hope, that you'd fall as well

Lastly

I didn't tell, that you would know
Didn't tell, that I couldn't let go
Didn't tell, that I really hurt


Didn't tell, that I needed comfort.

Minute Things That Meant The World

Wrote this before the trip to PD, so it's kinda saddening in a way... =) Anyway, this was what I felt at that time, so...

Just needed you to know
That I

Just needed you to look
At me as I passed you by
Just needed you to smile
As I looked into your face

Just needed you to ask
If I was feeling fine that day
Just needed you to care
If I wasn't

Just needed you
For all these minute things
That meant the world

Then at last
If I could

Just need you
To hold
The memory of me within you

hmm-hmm~la-la

hehe... perhaps most people can sense from my title that i'm in a quite happy mood...

Well, i just came back on sunday from the Christian Youth Camp in Port Dickson, with all the youth. It was an extremely enjoyable and fulfilling trip! In fact, after being amidst so many people for those few days, i miss them and the atmosphere so, so much. Being alone in my room and in college when it is the holidays is not exactly welcoming, if u get the idea....

anyway.... i am very happy because... hehe... =P i had a lot of fun in the camp. even coordinating to serve was a very nice experience. my group was in charge of one of the games, separating beans with chopsticks. it was so funny to keep changing ways they picked the beans, and then scare the youth whenever they dropped a bean, or when time was approaching its limit... haha!

another game was, the XY game. actually the motive was to gain the most positive points to win. there were 10 rounds in the game. the game was actually based on trust, that is, each group would have a representative to flash either "x" or "y". if everyone flashed "x", each would gain 100 points. if anyone flashed "y", the "y" person would gain points while the ones who flashed "x" would lose points. but if everyone flashed "y", all would lose points as well. bottom line is, you had a better chance to win if you flashed "y".

after 2-3 rounds, it became clear that we weren't really going to be able to win. so we changed tactics. instead of winning by gaining positive points, we were going to win by negative points. hehe.... hence, after that, every round our group rep flashed "x", and our points became further and further negative. someway in the middle, we thought that we should support our rep, so we started cheering and clapping every time we lost points. it was hilarious because everyone couldn't understand why all of us were laughing like mad while we were actually "losing".

we did lose, in the end, our points being an astounding -2700. =D then even more surprisingly, the serving one actually praised us, commended our group that we actually did not complain even though we lost. he said how we actually had more trust and love, by sacrificing to allow other groups to win. then one of the youth in a winning group said, "haiyo...see! let them get the glory already!" hehehe..... it was even more funny because we never thought of it in that way at all.... =P

hmm.... hope there'll be a trip again soon.... i would love to have so much fun and enjoyment again!

me wonder

me feeling hungry.... me a bit crazy at the moment. me looking at a lot of constantly updated blogs by all the people around me. me wondering how to finish my work by tomorrow. me wondering.... if i should go eat now. me wondering if... i'm getting sick? me wondering.... what am i doing here? me think.... me think me should go now...

lost in the world

hmm... probably the lack of knowledge of any constant readers has made me lazing at my own patience without thought of updating this blog... many a times i have tried to update this... but seems to have lack of inspiration... i changed the template, but it doesn't seem to have worked... hmm...

Her Heart

I wrote this in class one day.... Not exactly sure if this can be counted as a poem... =P Anyway, to those who are reading this, feel free to leave your comments!

Her Heart

A few words
A few thoughts
A few smiles
Strung together

Works well
Fine enough

To touch
To squeeze
To hold

Her heart

Warmness
Tenderness
Happiness
Finds their way
Spreads through

Her heart.

Differing Emotions

You feel all tingly and warm inside. Like... a really quite pleasant thing, and then an image crosses the path of your mind and a smile winds up your face. You think how nice it is to be with that person, and how you hope to see that person again. And then you realize you were thinking about one of your close friends.

What happens next? You get jolted out of your "trance", and then wonder how on the earth could you have been thinking such thoughts. Isn't that person a close friend? Then why did you think about that person in such a way? But.... you don't get the same kind of heartbeat-increasing, knees-shaking or nervous feeling that you always get (or at least hear about) when you are supposedly thinking about someone you like, someone beyond friends.

Instead, all you have is a very comfortable feeling, just nice....fuzzy....warm...cozy feeling. No, it can't be, you tell yourself. He/She's just a friend. Besides, I can't possibly like him/her. He/She's just....just...so not my type. Unfortunately, you fail to be even remotely convincing. To yourself.

I do not know if this scenario is familiar, or if anyone has eperienced it before. But my point is, sometimes, on what do we base the feeling that tells us we like someone? Maybe we think it should be like a very strong emotion, blasting you off your feet. Perhaps, for some. But can it also be a very slow...very smooth and pleasant feeling? A feeling that develops over time, and finally catches you unawares?

Or....perhaps, you are merely thinking too much and has allowed your ever-resourceful wandering mind to expand all the possibilities, picking up tiny, little signs or actions like hints? Perhaps what you felt was merely a warm affection for that friend of yours.

Lessons in our life as we grow, also includes being able to differ emotions. Perhaps, as we grow older, wiser, the answers to the above questions can be answered. Have you begun to ask yet?

That Empty Tower

I wrote this one day when I was feeling really down, desolate, and really quite nothing. That feeling was so overwhelming that I felt out of control. So, I poured it all out. Perhaps it describes what I felt, perhaps it doesn't. Anyway, I don't really understand the complete meaning of what I wrote when I re-read it. Maybe anyone can enlighten me?

That Empty Tower

Within the deep, dark places
A slow, creepy thing arises
Slow as it seems
It rises, eats
Grows without confines.

A creature unseen,
Always it has been
If left to stay
A high price later to pay.

As it grows, it is like a tower
With dormant power
When more and more
Gets into this core,
Deeper and deeper it bores.

These that go in,
Are like prints made on sand
With just a little wind
They leave, baring the land
Seemingly many
Yet really empty.

Initially thought to fulfil
That deep, deep space
It gives no thrill
Finally to know
It sets even further a pace.

A tall tower it may be
Seemingly strong
When real to see
Echo of emptiness all along.

An empty tower
With nothing to flower
Why not allow a sower

His love here to shower?

Chocolate Cake

See my title? Perhaps you're wondering what I'm going to write about. Maybe you say, "Hmm... this girl never puts title that directly relate to what she writes...." So what would "Chocolate Cake" be about? Well, you can stop wondering now because I'm going to reveal it to you right now - tada! I'm going to write about..... a chocolate cake! Isn't that surprising?

Hehe.....please bear with me even if you're thinking I'm talking absolute crap....

Anyway, back to my cake. On Saturday, I sort of baked a chocolate cake. Well, not one, but two actually. Because that was how many the batter could make. And I didn't exactly make the batter myself either. Just in case some of you who are going "wow" at my culinary skills. I used that thing out of a box you get in the supermarket, the kind with a nice picture of a deliciously tempting cake on the outside, the kind that you can choose which picture looks most delicious to you. In this case, I picked the picture of one with the most moist looking fudge on top, called "Devil's Food". This tells you that you can actually pick up knowledge from even a box of cake mixture - devils actually eat chocolate cake. And what were we imagining he ate all this time??

So, I poured out the cake mixture into a large bowl. Then I added in the ingredients you had to put, like 3 eggs (I only had 2, but it doesn't matter much, I think), then a half cup of oil, 1 and a quarter cup of water, which I substituted the quarter for milk, because it would be more moist that way. I learnt that from somewhere else, I can't remember.

Then, I'm supposed to beat it with a mixer. My mom is surprised that I found a hand mixer, she forgot she won one I don't know which year ago. Anyway, I use the brand new mixer, with a feeling of excitement. I switch on the speed button, the 1st degree. Maybe now you're expecting me to describe a disaster that you think happens next. Well, actually, ...... I wouldn't call it disaster, just that when the mixer started whirring, I noticed that bits of the batter actually flew out of the bowl and stuck to the stuff around, like the rice cooker, and the water flask.

I stopped the machine, then look desperately around, thinking what can I do now. I don't want my first experience of baking a cake to be leaving a trail of mess in the kitchen. I get my sister to hold the mixer for me over the bowl, then I get some newspapers and spread it on the floor, after which I place the bowl in the floor, with enough distance all around. There, problem solved! I couldn't help feeling the tiniest bit pleased.

Anyway, after that I was supposed to beat it at low speed for 2 minutes, then high for 2 minutes. I used the 1st speed, the slowest, for a few minutes. But I didn't exactly dare to put it on higher speed, because I'm sure if I did, the bits of batter would really fly way, way out of my control. So, I beat it longer than the whole 4 minutes. I'm sure the result would be the same, right?

My mom pours the batter for me into two tins. I watch in fascination as the cake finally bakes, watch as it rises, and rises, and now it looks like a mound. Then it starts having some cracks, and cracks. All the time, you can smell the wonderful smell of chocolate cake coming from the oven. So, in the end, I had 2 nice, warm, moist chocolate cakes. Which tasted even better after we put it into the fridge.

Like my chocolate cake story? Maybe you should try making one. It's good experience. Next time, I think I'll start from scratch, the kind where I have to measure the flour, cocoa powder, sugar and everything else. haha..... I wonder how would that cake be like....

2nd

Hehe.... I know I haven't been blogging for some time. Anyway, what matters is I'm back! I'm now in my 2nd year of my Architecture course, the first semi-semester. What's cool about this is, since the semi-sem only lasts 7 weeks excluding holidays and exams, there's not much time to study a lot, so I only have 3 subjects, and only 3 days of classes a week! Muahahaha...

I cut my hair recently, last Saturday. So now it's short, just touching my shoulders. And it's not just straight and boring (if i say so) like last time, but it's kinda curlish, framing my face, and round. Which results in a very young, fresh and cute look. And I did not say this myself - I summarized all the comments my family, friends and lecturers made to me. Haha...

I'm hoping for a lot of 2nds, or should I say, new, or renewed efforts this year. Like the 2nd year for me to become more hardworking, 2nd time for me to make my room cleaner, 2nd semester for me to get better results, 2nd effort to make myself taller (if this is possible), and 2nd chance with that somebody.

Anyway, though this is really late - Best wishes for everyone in this new and fresh beginning, hope that we can make better ourselves together!