Gain and Loss

I think I understand now. Why people say that the longer you stay out of school, the more likely it will be hard for you to go back. 

I can say, from my experience right now, that if I had chosen this route right after finishing high school, or even after my Diploma, I would have found everything easier. I would be in the right set of mind, in the habit and routine of being a student, and have the background knowledge more easily retrievable.

But what I'm feeling more keenly right now, is how much your priorities and values change after you come out of school and how that change affects you when you jump back and seemingly get into a phase you were in before. For me, furthering my education has always been my dream. And believe it or not, I love studying. I thirst for new knowledge. Which is why I hung on to making studies my main priority after so many years of not studying. And I believed that my strive for studying would never diminish.

It feels a bit surreal now that I'm doing what I have longed for. Now that I'm actually away in another country, away from familiar surroundings, friends I care for and my beloved family. Doing what I am now makes me happy because it is what I wanted. At the same time, I can't help feeling selfish, at the expense of the people I love and care about. I no longer have the time I would want to talk to them and be concerned for their daily happenings. I sympathise and wish to listen, but I have a billion other things to do and think about. Things that concern me, and the education that I wished for myself. It feels like I am failing to be there for them in times when they are down, cry, see them grow and change.

I always knew it wasn't going to be easy, going back into school. And now... I can only say, perhaps this was something you were never going to understand unless you went through it yourself.

After all, there is another thing people always say.

In every gain there is a loss.

Coming back

I've not exactly made good on my promise to update my blog more regularly :P

It's just that so many things have been going on that I've not had the energy to do much... I shall perhaps write a brief recap here, that will not do the events any justice but it's just better than nothing... (I'm feeling like I'm sounding like one of my friends but that's another story...).

Hmmm... the biggest thing that happened was of course my theatre performance :D No words can describe what kind of experience this has been. The intense periods brought with them times of utter joy and moments when I was so touched and overcome with emotion that I couldn't help but cry. The content of the play we performed had a hand in this, I think, because it made us, or me at least, confront so many hidden things in me. And now I would like to think that the cast and crew of Living with Lady Macbeth share a very special bond because of all we've been through as a group. I learnt so much from everyone involved and I certainly hope I contributed my share.

Thanks to Annie's camera :)

Another event that I participated in was a trip we organized to Lamma Island together with a lot of the exchange students. It was a very pleasant time being out and about, despite the fact that I kinda got "tricked" into hiking up a "refreshing" trail. Yeah, right. Anyway, I was happy because I got to eat lots of seafood, which I love. Hehehehehe.... 

And just slightly before that, I finally participated in an outing with the Photography Society I joined since last semester. We went to a village which was about to be demolished because the Government was reclaiming it for an MTR project. And because these things never happen without meeting any resistance and unfairness, we walked into a place that looked torn down and ravaged. We were asked to think about what we wanted to capture, and the emotions we felt, if any. It was a new experience because I saw photography for a specific purpose that day.

In between all that, was all the times I gathered with my friends just having some food (sushi or McD mostly) and chatting down at the Learning Commons. Topics were so random they ranged from food allergies to drunken incidents to relationships and friendships and old school stories. Laughed till there were tears in my eyes. Good times. 

Now, I need to settle down, and calm myself. Out of all my subjects, I have probably only been making sense of one or two of them, and skimming the surface of all the others. First exam next Tuesday. OH MYYYY.... Ok, breathe.

I will be back.

Sonnet

We were asked to read some poems for our coming Literature class, and one of them particularly resonated with me...

Sonnet
by Edna St Vincent Millay

Time does not bring relief; you all have lied
Who told me time would ease me of my pain!
I miss him in the weeping of the rain;
I want him at the shrinking of the tide;
The old snows melt from every mountain-side,
And last year's leaves are smoke in every lane;
But last year's bitter loving must remain
Heaped on my heart, and my old thoughts abide.
There are a hundred places where I fear
To go, - so with his memory they brim.
And entering with relief some quiet place
Where never fell his foot or shone his face
I say, "There is no memory of him here!"
And so stand stricken, so remembering him.

Space

I have a group of friends that I usually hang out with, whether it's for going to classes together, having meals before or after class, and doing activities outside campus. Then I found myself doing something - I started avoiding the company of one or two of the people in the group. I didn't feel like talking to the person, tried getting out of situations whereby we would be caught in one place, and just outright uninvited myself when I knew the person would be there. When coincidence happens and we still ended up meeting in our "clique", I avoided conversation, eye contact and kept a distance. The fact that I was conscious of what I was doing all along made me feel like I was mean and treating my friend(s) unfairly.

I'm not sure what prompted me to act that way. And it doesn't go away after a day, or two days even. Sometimes it takes three days, or up to a week. After that, I find myself losing the sense of impatience and annoyance towards the person, turning back to the friendly and "sociable" me.

Might this be because I grew too used to being in my own company? That I can stay in my room all alone for a day without feeling lonely? I can only say, sometimes I just need my space. Some space for me to breathe, take a step back, evaluate and come back.

If any of my friends find this post, I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive, or maybe understand what was it that happened.

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On a separate note, I bought new colour pens today!! I love the colours so much, and am motivated to take down notes and write just because of that :)

Woohoo~!

Restart

I looked at the number of blog posts I wrote in 2010 - 4. Hahahahaha! I cannot believe myself.

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It's ten days into the new year now, a year which I passed peacefully in a place I'm wondrously beginning to be familiar with. My new semester has begun, with seemingly heavier workloads and stricter professors. I feel like I have not even wrapped my head around last semester's stuff yet before this new semester came, bombarding me with tons of new information.

I'm going to work at updating my blog, for the sake of my dear family and friends who are not with me, so they can know what's going on in my life. Not sure what exactly to write now, but felt I need to start posting something first. Hahaha... What shall I talk about? Shall I talk about my studies first?

The subjects I'm taking this semester are:

1. Introduction to Literary Studies I

2. English Grammar 1

3. Sociolinguistics

4. Teaching & Learning

5. Human Intimacy: Friendship, Dating & Marriage

6. Access English (*grrrr*)

I've no idea when the results for the previous semester will be released. I suppose I'll do ok, trying not to raise my hopes high because there was some work I wasn't satisfied with, but also some which I thought was ok. And resolution for this new semester, together with a couple of my classmates, is researching and starting our assignments EARLY so we don't become deadline fighters again like last semester =.=

As for the church life, I really enjoy and appreciate the Christ among the brothers and sisters here. I'm currently attending the Lord's Table on Saturday night with young working saints and campus saints in Shatin. There's also an English home meeting I attend on Wednesdays. The Lord has shown me much grace in preserving me in the Body, where there is mutual love, shepherding and encouragement as we seek to be constituted and built up together. I'm also practicing and learning to serve with the guitar. May the Lord continue to direct my paths in the coming days....

From Shatin, Hong Kong

Checking in from Shatin, Hong Kong so that people back home won't think that I've forgotten them :P

After packing, putting clothes into vacuum bags, taking them out to repack, and doing stuff like this:

Giving teddy a bath before his journey with me. He doesn't look too happy about it...

I am now safely in Hong Kong. And I say safely because... it was quite exciting at the airport yesterday. When I took a boarding pass, I only spared it a glance without taking in any important details. And those who sent me off knows about how we took out own sweet time saying goodbyes. 

Then I finally looked properly at my boarding pass as I walked towards the departure gate. "Boarding gate closes 20 minutes before departure time." My flight was at 4.40 p.m.

It was 4.17 pm.

I brisk walked to the Immigration counter. Thank the Lord that there were no people for Malaysian passports. I heard them announcing "Final call for..." Once I was cleared, I ran down all the way and across the hall to the T9 boarding gate.

Phew! I made it, with a deserved back pain after the running with a heavy laptop bag on my back.

------------------------

After approximately 3 hours and 45 minutes, there I was!

Now, I'm staying at the Hong Kong Bible Research and Education Centre, which is the place for FTTHK, and Shatin district meetings. 

Today, I just remained at this place, and helped around in the cleaning service as there is a week-long perfecting training for 350 saints from China. Taking it free and easy at the moment :)

I'll be going to the Institute tomorrow with two sisters who are also studying there. More updates and photos soon!

Going

Yes, I finally think I can update now.

Because I'm going.

Where? The question is. Hong Kong. The answer is.

After all the grand thoughts and sad days and waiting and planning and hoping, I have settled to go to Hong Kong. The place I'm going to is called The Hong Kong Institute of Education (香港教育學院). I'm going to do a 4-Year Full-time Bachelor in English (Honours) (English Language) - Primary Programme. I'm writing in simple direct sentences because I'm too lazy to think of composing my words :P Oh, how I wish I were one of those who were naturally amusing! (*forgive the drama)

The next question, I believe is - What? Why? Thought you were doing Architecture? Why do Education in Hong Kong?

Sigh... I suppose an explanation is due. In case anyone else asks in future, I can always direct them to this post, right? So... for reasons why I'm no longer doing Architecture, you can read this post here. After that is done, then you would know that my other interest lay in languages.

I wasn't searching for courses in Education actually. It was after I hit a lot of snags (financial, datelines) with language courses, that I had this question posed to me, "Would you consider doing Education?" I pondered. I thought, if I did languages, the road would either be translating the language, or teaching the language, right? If it was the latter, then a course in Education in a particular language makes sense, doesn't it?

As to why Hong Kong, actually I was just looking for more viable options. Since the US and UK are technically off-limits due to financial restraints, it meant that I had to look for somewhere nearer. I entertained the idea of going to Korea for a while, because I had been learning the language and was interested to continue pursuing it, but even Korea is too expensive without a scholarship. And Singapore is... so near. Hong Kong now, is further without being too far, and has the advantage of being an international hub, which brings to thought that there might be options to learn other languages there. Or, you could google "Why study in Hong Kong?".

Why English then? Because. That is what is offered.

Why would you do EDUCATION/ ENGLISH in HONG KONG? You can do that in Malaysia? Because.

I just don't want to study in Malaysia.

Not because of any bad reasons, really. It's just my personal dream of studying overseas.

So, I think I'm done explaining. All the itsy-bitsy stuff would take too long to write and I don't think anyone's interested anyway (those who are should already know...).

Final word - 18th August 2010 is the date I'm going! :D

In, Out

Last day of the year...

Though it doesn't quite make sense,
the sound of fireworks and the little girl shouting "Happy New Year"
outside my house
puts me in a celebratory mood too...

Goodbye December.

And 2009.

I said I would do this

It is now December.

I am still here.

KL Performing Arts Centre, Sentul

I've long wanted to visit this place - KL Performing Arts Centre (KLPac) in Sentul ever since it kept appearing in various architecture magazines. But since Sentul is way out of my usual radar, I've never taken the trouble to go there on purpose. So when Priscilla said she was going to a play there, I decided to buy a ticket and take myself on a trip :)

Unfortunately, I'm no longer a student so I can only buy the ticket at normal price =.=''

The play was inspired by Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream. The story is the same, except with change of characters and performed in traditional Mak Yong style. The actors even all spoke in the Kelantanese dialect (which I'm sure left many people in clouds during the whole play). It was rather hilarious too - cos they made references to the local scene - politics and H1N1 included.

The cast of Mak Yong "Titis Sakti" at the end of the show

And then, I proceeded to my main purpose of coming XD It was wonderful walking around the grounds and seeing the scenes only seen on magazines. There was a big park surrounding KLPac - the Sentul Park. I saw some children playing kites there too. Some were feeding the ducks (at least I think they're ducks) in the pond.

More pictures and fun are in my Facebook account :D

BreakOut performance

More performances from BreakOut, the Korean Extreme Dance Comedy group. There is a short and funny segment performed by them (prisoners and the cop). Then, they show off their dancing skills.





Hope you enjoyed it as much as I did!

Beatbox by BreakOut member

As mentioned earlier, one of the highlights of the Korean Embassy event was the Extreme Dance Comedy "BreakOut" B-boy performance. This is a beatbox performance by one of the members at the beginning. There were no audio on at that time, so whatever you hear was produced by this talented chap.

More videos when I'm done editing...

I just want to study

Maybe I'm not doing all the right things. Maybe I should just get on with my life. Maybe I should just go and work. Maybe I should stop getting so frustrated at my inability to do anything.

I want to go overseas to further my studies. And after much consideration and courage, I have decided that I want to study a foreign language. And unfortunately, I do not have any STPM papers to get into a local university, but a 3-year Diploma in Architecture that is probably not going to buy me any leverage.

I do not have money to go overseas and study. Neither do I have the credits or results to get myself a scholarship. What good are my results now anyway? I have 7A's from SPM 6 (oh my goodness, SIX!) years ago, and the horrid, deluded youth nowadays have 10 and above. And I have a 2.9 CGPA for my Diploma, which falls way short of the 3.50 CGPA requirement of scholarships I have come across. And besides, the Diploma is not for the course I want to study now anyway.

I am a good student. Oh, I'm not so self-important to think that I'm brilliant or the best. But I am a good student. I take notes and do not fall asleep in those classes people often deem too boring to stay awake for. I research and read up on subjects. I ask questions. I complete projects when the other members of the team do not even understand what we are doing. I study for exams. Heck, I love studying! I involve myself in extra-curricular activities and love to take part in event organising. I am reasonably outspoken and communicate well. And I'm supposedly the "genius" because I was 2 years younger than everyone in class (don't worry, I never believed in this for a second).

But all these do not seem to account for anything. They certainly do not show in my results. Or accomplishments. Wait, what accomplishments? Nope, no papers to show for anything. And the 2 years bought earlier have long been used up. Because I have graduated with the Diploma 2 years ago. And I'm at home. Not working in what I studied in and not furthering my studies.

I'm absolutely fine with staying at home. Because you know, I have to clean the house. And wash the clothes. And then give tuition so that I don't waste my time and earn some money. And then pay for the Internet and occassionally give pocket money to my brother.

Many people around me ask me what I am doing. Those who know always offer advice. Maybe you can try that, or take a look at that. Oh, I heard there's a scholarship for that programme in that country. Ok, I know all of them mean well. I thank them that they are so concerned. But when I do check out what they say (I do listen and take a look every time), I always hit a blank wall. It was so hard to check it in the first place because, all these well-meaning people never remember the exact, concrete details (like the website). There is nothing like anything that they mentioned. So where did they get all that from? Oh, I'll ask the person whom I heard from for you, they reply when I ask them again. When? I wonder. Information never comes fast enough. One week, two weeks. And then I never hear about it again.

I'm so sorry if I sound really ungrateful. But being grateful doesn't mean I don't get disheartened. It's just been so many times that I get my hopes raised, and then down it crashes.

I cannot plan for things in advance. Because, I keep telling people, I don't know where I will be or what I will be doing. A trip in December? Uh... you might wanna count me out since I might be in some foreign country, studying. Something happening in August? Er... my term has probably started by then.

Might. Probably. Maybe.

Come August or December, you might still find me sitting here at home ranting away on my blog.

I need something to happen.

I need...

I just want to study.

Korea, Closer Than You Imagine

Heard about this event from Pris, who heard from her friend :) We thought it would be fun to go, and since it's free, why not? A bit of an intro:

The event is organised by the Embassy of the Republic of Korea (ROK). The purpose is to promote bilateral relations between our two countries (Sounds rather... serious and political, eh?) Anyway, the good point is - the people they invited were undergraduates and graduates. Highlights included a dance comedy performance "Breakout" by one of the top B-boy Korean groups (who are also having public performances here), a taekwondo performance and more dances.

So, at 2.30 p.m yesterday, at the Grand Ballroom at Renaissance Hotel, KL, I went in with Pris and her friends - Yin Ling, Ka Ling and Rachel. First time meeting Rachel, who's one of Priscilla's close friends. At first I wasn't sure what to expect - and was wondering if we would hit it off. She's rather hyper, methinks.. Hahahaha XD Anyway, it was quite natural for us.

After some long, required speeches, the emcee announced the most exciting performance of the day - the BreakOut dance comedy. Very entertaining, and very funny. I recorded snippets here and there, so I'll have to edit the video and post it up when I'm done. After the dance, we (the crowd) were left to wander around the many displays the Embassy had put up.

I like the way the glasses and plates were displayed for the crowd to use.

Display of Korean food (but not real wan...)

Ka Ling remarked to me, "Hey, the host is the person from TV wan right? The one who host the Deal or No Deal, Chinese wan?" I was like, "Is it?" and craned my neck to get a look. Oooh ~ it was Owen Yap (葉劍鋒)... Pleasant surprise :D He was actually speaking in English, which I haven't heard before.

And of course, we decided not to be shy and go ask for a photograph. To find that there was already a crowd of people.. er, actually mostly girls (there were 2 guys) all clamouring to take a picture with the tall and good looking TV personality. Hahaha... So we waited for our turn. And here is mine:

I would have preferred the photo to be taken a little lower... but not thick-skinned enough to go ask for a reshoot la...

He actually already put one leg forward to appear shorter ==' And he did that for quite a lot of people who weren't blessed to reach his shoulder :P The people around were kinda laughing when I stood beside him. He crossed his arms, smiled and said "Hey, I can be very funny too..." Very nice of him. And he smiled and said "thanks" to everyone who took a picture with him.

Later when it was time for the lucky draw, he really got into his element. Made a lot of jokes with the audience, and even was rather sharp-tongued with the lucky winners ('cos he made them all say "thank you" in Korean). Supposed it's because we're all younger than him... Haha :P Pris said "So bad! He like lecturer only..."

The ballroom

With Pris (this and the photo below taken from her camera)

Pris and me with Korean F4 (life-sized model laa..)

I'm struck with the desire to buy a plane ticket and fly out to Korea...

Tidbit - My dad is handsome

Today we went out for dinner as usual. Was in a Chinese restaurant in Taman Megah, Cheras. We were eating and ordered a pot of Chinese tea. As is custom, we lifted the lid of the pot to the side of the mouth when we needed refilling.

A waitress was serving a table beside us. My dad said to see if she would be 'seng muk' (alert) enough to see the teapot or not. Then she approached our table to serve our order. My dad placed a new order for another plate of noodles. They were talking while I was watching if any hand came near the teapot.

She walked away without the teapot.

I turned to my dad and said she not "seng muk" at all.
Dad said : We were talking ma...
I said: But she was standing right in front of our table!
Dad said: Then she talking to a 'leng zai' ma...

My sister and I snorted XD

Pineapple Tarts for CNY

This year we (mum and I) somehow hit on the idea of baking cookies for sale this CNY. Previously I've made my personal favourite CNY cookie - the pineapple rolls - for fun. They turned out quite nicely too. So, we bought the ingredients and materials needed and I slaved away in the kitchen.

Just in case you think I have a big production, let me dash your thoughts away. Hahaha... well, baking cookies for sale is not as easy as you might think. Requires many hours of standing. And I have a small oven. Anyway, I made enough :)

A portion of the pineapple jam I cooked


Rolling the jam into the pastry


The rolls getting ready to go into oven, with glaze


Baked pineapple rolls!


I made 10 of these containers. Sold 6 of them and gave 2 (can't collect money from grandma). Another 2 I eat la, of course XD

Don't know when I'll make again. Getting hungry just looking at the photos. Think I'll go to the kitchen to get my pineapple roll fix. Hehe...

Baking Chocolate Chip Cookies

I tried to bake one of my favourite snacks - chocolate chip cookies. Got the recipe from the Internet somewhere. This was my first time making them so I wasn't too assured of the success. Anyway, let's take a look:

This is the batter I prepared accordingly. Well, make allowances for an amateur's mistakes.

Then I put some spoons of this batter onto the baking tray. I didn't think it would quite work out since I could tell that the batter wasn't stiff enough. The result:

I got a giant chocolate amoeba!

Haha... the amoeba was really thin, like a crisp. It was too sweet too. And my mum said it didn't have the butter taste. So after many, many more rounds of adding flour and butter, I tried again.

Putting them onto the tray. I greased the trays 'cos I didn't want the cookies to stick.


Ta-da! Rather edible cookies... Not pretty enough to be sold though. Tasted ok too!

I cannot repeat that recipe anymore since I had to add here and there. Haha... I'll experiment again with a different recipe. Hopefully it'll turn out better. Will update when I do! :)

Korean Family Visit 04 - Dinner

After the bridge experience, we went for dinner at Bro. Eric's house. The house was lovely, and I later found out that he is an architect :) We had some mee soto, some prawn crackers and even a fresh-from-oven raisin loaf baked by Bro Eric. As we ate, we chatted about all of us and even attempted learning some Korean XD

The entrance to his house is situated at the side instead of the front. Here you see the path turning 90 degrees to the front. Photo taken from patio acting as dining area as well.

The mee soto we had for dinner cooked by Bro Eric's Indonesian maid

Sis Expression (Ju Hyun), Sis Lee and Bro Economy (Kyung Ryun) enjoying their meal

Group pic in front of the patio

Back row: Sis May, Bro Economy, Bro Eric, Sis Expression

Front row: Sis Lee, Aoefa (Eee-fa), Crea, me

Korean Family Visit 03 - KLCC Skybridge!

The best part of all was our visit to the KLCC Skybridge! It was so exciting since none of us had been up there before. Sis May took the trouble to go as soon as the mall opened (which was late already actually) to go line up for the tickets. Surprisingly, the tickets are free but they are limited so you have to book your place early. And you would only collect the tickets and go up in the evening. If anyone in your party does not turn up, you would not be allowed up as well.

Sis May got places for 5 of us for a 6.45pm visit initially. We came back from Central Market at around 5.30pm. We decided to go check if there was any chance of us going up earlier as we had to be somewhere else for dinner. Fortunately, there were places for at 5.45pm. We went into the auditorium for a presentation about the Petronas Company and how KLCC was built. Then we waited to be taken into the lift which would take us up to the bridge.

You can find this place by walking to Dewan Philharmonik Petronas and taking an escalator down.

"Welcome to the Skybridge. You are now 170 metres above street level."

It was exhilarating walking onto the bridge. We were given some time to freely roam around until our guide called us back. Needless to say, camera flashes took off everywhere, everyone wanting to capture as evidence being on THAT bridge between the two towers.

View of tower from the side

View of KLCC fountain and park

Mandarin Oriental and KL Convention Centre

Me and Sis May

My photos don't do justice to the experience and scenery you could capture up there. If you ever get the chance, you should go up just for the feeling of being on the bridge XD

Korean Family Visit 02 - Of Fish and Sea Creatures

The second day, we had fun in a few places in KLCC and Central Market. Today I accompanied the 3 of them along with Sis May. We went to Aquaria (the free section) and peered at some sea creatures and corals placed there.

The pot-bellied seahorse (if I'm not mistaken :P)

Nemo and Dory!

After that, we went to Central Market where we strolled leisurely, letting them absorb the cultural things and arts there. We came to a shop where there was a fish spa (!) and it attracted them to go in. We were all game for a try except Sis Lee. The fee was RM5 for 20 minutes. I don't know why the fish is bigger than what I saw in the newspapers. I was actually quite hesitant but decided I wanted to experience it all the same.

I gingerly put my feet in. And I shrieked (softly, of course). Neither was I the only one. It wasn't painful, rather ticklish actually. The idea of fish biting away at my skin took some getting used too. I kept moving my legs, which obviously pushed all the fish away. The shop owner advised me to put my heels in first if I was afraid. So I did and SO MANY fish crowded around straight away. I resolutely kept still and started talking to Sis May and Ju Hyun to distract myself (which makes everything ok after that).

My feet being surrounded by fish biting. Eeeee.....

Bro Economy (Kyung Ryun) enjoying himself