I just want to study

Maybe I'm not doing all the right things. Maybe I should just get on with my life. Maybe I should just go and work. Maybe I should stop getting so frustrated at my inability to do anything.

I want to go overseas to further my studies. And after much consideration and courage, I have decided that I want to study a foreign language. And unfortunately, I do not have any STPM papers to get into a local university, but a 3-year Diploma in Architecture that is probably not going to buy me any leverage.

I do not have money to go overseas and study. Neither do I have the credits or results to get myself a scholarship. What good are my results now anyway? I have 7A's from SPM 6 (oh my goodness, SIX!) years ago, and the horrid, deluded youth nowadays have 10 and above. And I have a 2.9 CGPA for my Diploma, which falls way short of the 3.50 CGPA requirement of scholarships I have come across. And besides, the Diploma is not for the course I want to study now anyway.

I am a good student. Oh, I'm not so self-important to think that I'm brilliant or the best. But I am a good student. I take notes and do not fall asleep in those classes people often deem too boring to stay awake for. I research and read up on subjects. I ask questions. I complete projects when the other members of the team do not even understand what we are doing. I study for exams. Heck, I love studying! I involve myself in extra-curricular activities and love to take part in event organising. I am reasonably outspoken and communicate well. And I'm supposedly the "genius" because I was 2 years younger than everyone in class (don't worry, I never believed in this for a second).

But all these do not seem to account for anything. They certainly do not show in my results. Or accomplishments. Wait, what accomplishments? Nope, no papers to show for anything. And the 2 years bought earlier have long been used up. Because I have graduated with the Diploma 2 years ago. And I'm at home. Not working in what I studied in and not furthering my studies.

I'm absolutely fine with staying at home. Because you know, I have to clean the house. And wash the clothes. And then give tuition so that I don't waste my time and earn some money. And then pay for the Internet and occassionally give pocket money to my brother.

Many people around me ask me what I am doing. Those who know always offer advice. Maybe you can try that, or take a look at that. Oh, I heard there's a scholarship for that programme in that country. Ok, I know all of them mean well. I thank them that they are so concerned. But when I do check out what they say (I do listen and take a look every time), I always hit a blank wall. It was so hard to check it in the first place because, all these well-meaning people never remember the exact, concrete details (like the website). There is nothing like anything that they mentioned. So where did they get all that from? Oh, I'll ask the person whom I heard from for you, they reply when I ask them again. When? I wonder. Information never comes fast enough. One week, two weeks. And then I never hear about it again.

I'm so sorry if I sound really ungrateful. But being grateful doesn't mean I don't get disheartened. It's just been so many times that I get my hopes raised, and then down it crashes.

I cannot plan for things in advance. Because, I keep telling people, I don't know where I will be or what I will be doing. A trip in December? Uh... you might wanna count me out since I might be in some foreign country, studying. Something happening in August? Er... my term has probably started by then.

Might. Probably. Maybe.

Come August or December, you might still find me sitting here at home ranting away on my blog.

I need something to happen.

I need...

I just want to study.