Closed Doors

Sometimes, you go through a phase, where you leave something for tomorrow, and when tomorrow comes, you leave another thing for the next day, and this accumulates over a few weeks. Then, you start panicking and try as hard as you can rushing through everything, thinking, how was it possible you could have done such things.

Sounds familiar? Probably because we go through similar stuff. You start feeling really bad about yourself, feeling really guilty and the ever regrettable phrase, “I wish I could go back in time,” which unfortunately, will never happen. And then, you give yourself optimism, finding hundreds of ways that you could actually finish all that you left unfinished, hoping against hope that you will be undiscovered, and face minimal retribution.

Then, as you draw a new, sure-to-work plan, you find that sometimes, situations aren’t so forgiving. The ways that you plotted to get out of trouble the easiest way possible, don’t always work out. Just when you thought you had a surge of hope again, you find several other closed doors, standing in your way. And these, force you to face the consequences and take responsibility for your slothfulness that you have already regretted. You think, “Why does it have to be this way?” like all you wanted was to make a clean break, but the circumstances certainly do not permit you to do so.

*Sigh…

Him

A person so firmly imprinted in your memory, so unforgettable, leaving a mark that cannot be erased, makes you miss, every moment you had with him. And this vision, one in your mind, more importantly, in your heart, causes your mind to be constantly in rewind mode, going back in time, reliving them over and over and over again, never wanting them to fade.

Standing straight and tall, having just the right proportion and height, he makes a strong, powerful, mesmerizing presence. With skin the colour a rich brown, healthy tan, flawless complexion, further creates the irresistible draw. His hair, a natural black, perhaps with shades of brown, split in the centre, ruffled by the wind, serves only to impress deeper.

And then, his eyes; gentle, soft chocolate brown eyes, eyes that speak of a character so fascinating, compelling you to be so curious to find out more, and more. If by chance, he looks your way, and no matter by accident or on purpose, looks into yours as well, you find yourself being helplessly pulled, as if by some unknown power, until you are not aware of what is around you anymore. Because this is of luck, his glance bores into you, meaning much more than anything other people say or talk about. You try to search, comprehend, maybe just a little, of what is hidden in his gaze, before he turns away, perhaps afraid to send you the wrong message, unaware that he has already done irreparable damage, leaving your heart in chaotic bits.

Beneath his eyes, his nose comes into notice, straight and sharp, contributing more to his features. Next, a full, sensitive mouth, which curves into a smile every now and then, and if ignited with laughter, curves more to reveal a row of beautiful teeth. When this occurs, rays of happiness seems to spread and find their way into your heart, making you want to smile and laugh as well, wanting to share what was it that made him so joyful.

Another step more, hearing his voice, a voice like velvet, soft, gentle, understanding yet with a hint of hidden humour. The moment he opens his mouth to speak, your attention is commanded, listening to him whole-heartedly, seeing if you can catch a glimpse of him in what he is saying, expressing, finding yourself unable to do anything else, concentrating solely on him. Following of which you seek chances, opportunities to engage him in conversations, trying to hear and remember, his voice, or maybe just for the pleasure it gives, listening….



I wonder….

Yessss!!!!!

I seriously shouldn't have time for this. This is on account of me not having finished all my assignments while having to leave tomorrow for Fraser's Hill and won't be returning till Sunday. Which also happens to be the last day of my holiday. Get the picture? In short, I am so dead.

Anyway, I am estatic for another reason. On Monday, my mom went out to Mid Valley and she called me. She asked, "What are the titles of the books by Meg Cabot that you wanted?" So I told her, "One is Princess Diaries 6 and another is Teen Idol (which I saw in the MPH catalogue)" Then she said, "Oh, ok.."

When she returned, I find both of these in the plastic bag she was carrying. Yesss!!! I had the book! I had the book! I had the booksssss!!!! I didn't know my mom would buy both. Seriously. Since both were hardcovers and way over how much we usually spend on ONE book. Anyway, my mom rocks!! Hehe...

I won't be able to write for the few following days to come as I will be in Fraser's Hill, as above mentioned. And also busy thinking of ways to explain to the lecturers why I just COULDN'T finish my work...

Being A Princess

I took this from The Princess Diaries:

"Whatever comes," she said,
"cannot alter one thing.
If I am a princess in rags and tatters,
I can be a princess inside.
It would be easy to be a princess if I were
dressed in cloth of gold, but it is a great
deal more of a triumph to be one all the
time when no one knows it."


A Little Princess
Frances Hodgson Burnett

Are we really?

Yesterday, I watched "Mona Lisa Smile", a movie which I've been wanting to watch for some time. For people who have not seen this movie (or even heard of it, maybe), this movie talks about a lady, Catherine Watson (Julia Roberts) who sets out to a college, Wellesley, in a rural area, to teach art history. She goes there with a mission to make a difference. This is not an easy task as the professors there are all traditionalists, and the students (only girls) all studying until someone proposes and they get married. So all in all, it is a comparatively outdated society, as we would call it nowadays.

There is one point that made me think in the movie, that is when Ms. Watson asks her student, Joan (Julia Stiles) who is a pre-law student to consider pursuing her degree in law even after she's married. She tells Joan that she can make a choice, and gives her the admission form for the University of Yale. Well, Joan does apply and even gets accepted. But she does not decide to go in the end, a serious blow to Ms. Watson. Joan tells her that this was the decision she made, that she would regret not having a family than not being a lawyer.

It is quite clearly shown in the movie, I think, that this was clearly not the choice Catherine Watson expected her to make. What made me wonder was, we...we always think that there are some things that would be right for a person, certain things they should do, pursue. But what we think, is it always right? And even if we are right, is it what the person wants? Then maybe we say, that person doesn't really know what he wants, or doesn't have the courage to pursue it. But still, we do all the thinking from our point of view. In our consideration, did we miss out, on that person's ability to know what is right and wrong for them, or what would make them happy?

The movie ends with Ms. Watson leaving the post after a year, when the college's council could not accept her radical way of thinking and teaching. She could not compromise her principles and leaves for somewhere else, where maybe she could try to make another difference. But she did make the girls in her class think beyond the norm, and looking further into the future.

So, for those who would enjoy a movie with much depth and insight, I would definitely say that this is a must-watch.

U know what I'm thinking?

Have you ever experienced, talking to someone who doesn't know you that well, yet he's able to know what you are actually thinking, better than some of your closer friends? Well, I know one such person, and his name is Aaron (though this Aaron must be in no way thought to be the same as the one named below, as they are total opposites). Sometimes, when I talk to him, I have different meanings in what I say, things that usually people don't realize. Somehow, he does. And it's scary sometimes. You know, when I don't really mean for him to know what I'm thinking...

Books!!!

I can't seem to find anyone who really likes to read nowadays, in college (no offence). Maybe there is, except I haven't found them yet. I miss being able to talk about stories, books, and then trade the books we have. Like we did in my class in school last time. It was really fun. We could really spend hours and hours talking about the stuff we read. And then, we tried sneaking a peek into the books everytime the teacher's back was turned...

By the way, are there anyone who reads books by Meg Cabot? The Princess Diaries volume 6 is out and it's darn expensive. 'Cos it's hardcover, I guess. RM 79.90. I don't know if I should get it or wait for the paperback. Any suggestions?

Of course, it'll be even better if someone would buy it and allow me to lend it. Hehe...

Clarification

Since my post about the guy in the VCD rental store, few people have commented about my supposed "liking" of the fella. I feel compelled to clarify that this is not true at all. I just find it fun to see him thinking, how to be firm yet be afraid of offending me. So cute...hehe... Anyway, for the final time, there is nothing, and never will be anything, happening. Period. Zilch. Nothing. So the few people can stop using him as an excuse to tease me anymore. Thank you very much.

Stress Relievers

Have you ever had a time when you felt you really can't continue with your work anymore, and you're simply too tired? Well, I always do. And here are some things which I do to take my mind off things:

- Filing
This is filing as in organizing all my loose papers properly into a file, with different topics and subjects nicely separated. I only do this once a term, at a time when I have the most documents. As a result, it always takes me about an hour to finish filing everything, from punching holes to sticking reinforcement rings to putting them into the file. Somehow after I finish, my life doesn’t seem like such a mess anymore.

- Read a book
This only happens if I do have a book at my disposal, which is rarely the case now in my room in PJ. Back home, I will browse through my shelves and pick one that appeals to me, no matter the times I have read it before. I am the kind who can read a book countless times and not get bored. When reading, you get sucked into another world and all your problems disappear. And usually after reading, I proceed to the following activity.

- Sleep
A comparatively easy thing to do, granted the rainy weather nowadays. Sleep has many, many benefits. First of all, you feel immediate relief once you lie on the bed. All the sitting around the whole day does make your muscles sore. And then, when I sleep, I always have dreams. Always. If I don't, that means I'm dead tired. My dreams bring me to impossible places and does fascinating things. Of course, when you wake up, you'll be frantic to think you actually slept and quickly resume your work.

- Surf the Net and find pictures of my favourite celebrity at the moment
This is one that I quite frequently do (hehe...). I don't know why, somehow looking at these pictures just takes my mind away.

- Clean my room
This will only happen once in a red moon, or when something inside me comes alive and says, "Clean your room!!" So, I will start keeping things, then getting them off the floor, before sleeping and mopping. I also wipe the dust off things. I usually clean my room when I'm about to leave it. That way it'll be clean and neat for a longer period.

- Do nothing
Doing nothing is not as easy as it sounds. It requires certain knowledge to know that at the moment, you're...not really doing anything. You merely sit there, gazing into space, with a really blank mind, thinking of nothing. I can last really long doing this activity. Of course, the end result is the same as sleeping.

I noticed that the above activities are pretty mundane and don't require much brain power. However, things do appear in a better perspective after doing them (at least for me).

*Note: Please do not attempt to do all these at once. You might get yourself admitted into the mental hospital instead.

Amusement at the Rental Store

The last place I would have expected to amuse me was the rental store where I go to rent VCDs of taiwanese drama series. Recently, I find myself unable to stop smiling once I step out of the store. The reason is: There's a new guy working there. Don't start thinking "She's going there to see him..." In a way, I guess, I am, but only because I want to rent and return VCDs.

The first time he "processed" my rental, i rented 8 VCDs. The next day, I went there again, and rented 4 more. Actually, the shop has a policy that a customer can only rent 8 VCDs at a time. Anyway, at that time, he didn't say anything. The next day, when I entered the shop (haha!), his expression immediately changed as he saw me. It was kinda like, "Oh no, here she is again...aizz...."

Then, when I said I wanted to rent 8 more VCDs, he hesitated, asking me, "Have the store owners ever told u that u can't rent more than 8?" So I replied, "Yes, only at one time, rite?" So, he processed it for me anyway. By now, I had erm...oh my gosh...20 VCDs in my possession. Anyway, I decided to return 8 the next day so that the guy would not be in such a dilemma.

The next night, when he saw me entering, he had that expression again. Then he started speaking, and he said, "Erm...how should i say?" I looked at him with a questioning look. He continued, "The store owner said each customer cannot have more than 12 VCDs with them." So I gestured to the ones I returned and said, "I've returned these, so i have...exactly 12", smiling. Then he said, "but..." and then I understood, "I'm not borrowing anymore, just returning."

And he became really, really embarassed for thinking I would rent some more... I don't know why, his actions just seem to make me feel so ticklish.. I'm so bad...For the last time I went to return, he didn't look up until I was right in front of him, and he merely smiled this time...

The Big Round Furry Thing

Last month, I bought a big round furry thing as a birthday present. But when I wanted to wrap it, it seemed suddenly inappropriate for that intended person. So, the present was not sent... instead, it now remains on my bed, at least until I find another person suitable for that gift. I have reminded myself not to etablish too close a bond to it as I still might have to give it away. Also, I have the bad habit (which I am trying to stop) of buying presents for others but keeping them in the end because I can't imagine myself separate from them anymore. Anyway, now I occasionally pick up this big round furry thing, look at it this way and that way, maybe give it a little squeeze (which is soooo fun!) and roll it around? And if Aaron comes to my room, he will start taking that big round furry thing and my Scott teddy bear and enact a scene of soft toy torture. He seems to find big fun in hanging them from the edge of my bed, which is a double-decker and I'm on the top, so he finds the side post a convenient place to tie my teddy bear's paws together and as a result, the bear will look as if it is hanging on for dear life. Then, it remains up to me to go on a mission saving my beloved soft toys (though that big round furry thing does not officially belong to me yet).

*Note: I wanted to post a picture of the big round furry thing but I haven't yet figured out how. So, the picture might only appear some time later. And I hope I did not give this blog address to the person whom I will give it to in the future.

Festive Season!

Hmm....finally, it's the holidays!!!! Yayyy....relief from classes and assignment datelines, temporary though it might be.... To whomever is reading (if there are any), Happy Deepavali and Selamat Hari Raya!!!

Life...is a Journey

A song I like very much:

Journey – Angela Zhang

It’s a long, long journey
Till I know where I’m supposed to be
It’s a long, long journey
And I don’t know if I can believe
When shadows fall and block my eyes
I am lost and know that I must hide
It’s a long, long journey
Till I find my way home to you….

Many days I spend
Drifting on through empty shores
Wondering what’s my purpose
Wondering how to make me strong
I know I will falter, I know I will cry
I know you’ll be standing by my side
It’s a long, long journey
And I need to be close to you….

Sometimes it feels no one understands
I don’t even know why I do the things I do
When pride builds me up till I can’t see my soul
Will you break down these walls and pull me through?

‘Cause it’s a long, long journey
Till I know that I am worth the price
You paid for me on Calvary
Beneath those stormy skies
When Satan mocks and friends turn to foes
It feels like everything is out to make me lose control

‘Cause it’s a long, long journey
Till I find my way home to you

Oh – oh ~ to you….

I find this singer, Angela Zhang, to posess a very mesmerizing, clear, strong voice. And I didn't even know she could sing earlier. Anyway, she's definitely noteworthy.

How is it....that they split?

Yesterday, I saw one of my guy friends looking not as he usually does.... His eyes were red rimmed, and I could see tears clinging to his lashes. I felt my heart becoming tight, and I sat down beside him, not knowing what to do. Should I talk to him, comfort him? Or should I just sit quietly beside him, and just wait until he is ready to tell me what is wrong? I did nothing, just pondering, looking at him....

And then, he started to say, "I'm really suffering in this classroom...." So I asked him why. He asked me, "If you had a very good friend, who said yes, he knew what you were saying, before you even finished saying it, and then when you asked him what did he know, he asks you to say it, how would you feel?" I didn't answer, didn't need to....Another friend who was there seemed to know more about the situation than me, and just asked him what he planned to do. He dabs at his eyes every now and then as he tells more and more, unloading his burden....

What I could know from their conversation was, both of them shared almost similar problems, that is they both felt alone, locked away from the rest of their peers. Those who were once friends, started leaving, further and further, till they seemed alien. Willing not to admit their mistakes, stepping on their heads, seeming to have inner conflicts, that prevented them from being as close as they used to be.

As I listened, I felt an impulse to allow that friend to cry on my shoulder. Obviously, he was very hurt by the attitude and actions of his friends, especially two of whom who were his closest. But I could not comprehend, how did all this happen? And how is it that he kept all this inside him for so long? And I, as a friend, did not know that he was fighting a losing battle inside him all the while? That I had been really, without realizing, someone he could have talked to, someone real to him, was another discovery I made. He seemed to have found everyone only acting, giving false emotions, false feelings.

Confusion rose within me, more and more, as I still listened to the both of them talk. The friends whom they mentioned, I also knew. But I could not see, the character and different sides of these people that came out of their mouth. In their words, these people seemed much, much more bad, malevolent, pretentious, doing and saying everything with ulterior motives. Was it really like that? Or is it my nature to see only the good side of people? Or was it that I could not see beyond the appearances?

If the scene I imagine from their descriptions is correct, then all I could see, was all the friendships that had been, lay broken, split into pieces, all around me. Each day they talked only to serve the purpose of communicating, keeping up appearances, that they were, still, on the surface, friends. Or at least people who were civilised enough to admit yes, they knew each other. And because they were all in the same classroom, talk was needed. Yet they threw words and sentences that had hidden swords, piercing one another. If this is true, I can come only to see:

A really, really, ugly picture.

Envy

I've read some other blogs written by other people, some my friends, some not..... I found out one thing - short forms don't look nice published. I had a blog some time ago....but that's history now. The title of this post, comes from my feeling everytime i read what others wrote. I wonder how is it that they manage to write something so amusing, unusual, special....hmm....So I started a new one, hopefully with better results. I just hope I can keep it long enough =P