6.40 a.m.

My dad is about to wake up.

From that sentence above, you should be able to surmise...

That I have been staying awake, as opposed to waking up uncharacteristically early.

There is no reason that I should be though (staying awake).

And since I'm awake, I should be editing my last freelance workbook. Or washing the bedding that I want to bring over to Hong Kong.

But I am not doing any of that.

In fact, I am not doing particularly anything.

Leaving me with heavy eyes without accomplishing anything. And I have some things to settle later when Mum wakes up. And the workbook to hand in later at night.

And on top of everything, I am very, very, very hungry.

Sleep.

In, Out

Last day of the year...

Though it doesn't quite make sense,
the sound of fireworks and the little girl shouting "Happy New Year"
outside my house
puts me in a celebratory mood too...

Goodbye December.

And 2009.

I said I would do this

It is now December.

I am still here.

Running away

Perhaps my running away from this blog is another sign of how far I'm running from reality.

Running away from questions.
Running away from problems.
Running away from unpleasant things.
Running away from disturbing thoughts.
Running away from thinking about my future.
Running away from thinking of my running away.

Yet perhaps this is my reality.




*this is what appears after months of not writing and thinking of something "profound" at 2:15 a.m.

I just want to study

Maybe I'm not doing all the right things. Maybe I should just get on with my life. Maybe I should just go and work. Maybe I should stop getting so frustrated at my inability to do anything.

I want to go overseas to further my studies. And after much consideration and courage, I have decided that I want to study a foreign language. And unfortunately, I do not have any STPM papers to get into a local university, but a 3-year Diploma in Architecture that is probably not going to buy me any leverage.

I do not have money to go overseas and study. Neither do I have the credits or results to get myself a scholarship. What good are my results now anyway? I have 7A's from SPM 6 (oh my goodness, SIX!) years ago, and the horrid, deluded youth nowadays have 10 and above. And I have a 2.9 CGPA for my Diploma, which falls way short of the 3.50 CGPA requirement of scholarships I have come across. And besides, the Diploma is not for the course I want to study now anyway.

I am a good student. Oh, I'm not so self-important to think that I'm brilliant or the best. But I am a good student. I take notes and do not fall asleep in those classes people often deem too boring to stay awake for. I research and read up on subjects. I ask questions. I complete projects when the other members of the team do not even understand what we are doing. I study for exams. Heck, I love studying! I involve myself in extra-curricular activities and love to take part in event organising. I am reasonably outspoken and communicate well. And I'm supposedly the "genius" because I was 2 years younger than everyone in class (don't worry, I never believed in this for a second).

But all these do not seem to account for anything. They certainly do not show in my results. Or accomplishments. Wait, what accomplishments? Nope, no papers to show for anything. And the 2 years bought earlier have long been used up. Because I have graduated with the Diploma 2 years ago. And I'm at home. Not working in what I studied in and not furthering my studies.

I'm absolutely fine with staying at home. Because you know, I have to clean the house. And wash the clothes. And then give tuition so that I don't waste my time and earn some money. And then pay for the Internet and occassionally give pocket money to my brother.

Many people around me ask me what I am doing. Those who know always offer advice. Maybe you can try that, or take a look at that. Oh, I heard there's a scholarship for that programme in that country. Ok, I know all of them mean well. I thank them that they are so concerned. But when I do check out what they say (I do listen and take a look every time), I always hit a blank wall. It was so hard to check it in the first place because, all these well-meaning people never remember the exact, concrete details (like the website). There is nothing like anything that they mentioned. So where did they get all that from? Oh, I'll ask the person whom I heard from for you, they reply when I ask them again. When? I wonder. Information never comes fast enough. One week, two weeks. And then I never hear about it again.

I'm so sorry if I sound really ungrateful. But being grateful doesn't mean I don't get disheartened. It's just been so many times that I get my hopes raised, and then down it crashes.

I cannot plan for things in advance. Because, I keep telling people, I don't know where I will be or what I will be doing. A trip in December? Uh... you might wanna count me out since I might be in some foreign country, studying. Something happening in August? Er... my term has probably started by then.

Might. Probably. Maybe.

Come August or December, you might still find me sitting here at home ranting away on my blog.

I need something to happen.

I need...

I just want to study.

Doing this Tag. Just because...

Haih... I don't usually do tags (though I like reading them except those reaaallly long ones where you have to answer 100 questions or something). And I did something like this in Facebook not too long ago, except it was 25 random things. Anyway, since I was tagged by Priscilla, who is one of my closest friends, and this tag is not so hard to do... (besides I'm still procrastinating)...

16 random things

Here's the direction:

Once you've been tagged, you have to write a post with sixteen random things, habits or goals about you. At last, choose five people to be tagged, listing their names and why you chose them.

1. I'm currently listening to DNR's Ice Cream. Nice song. (haha, I have no idea where to start so...)

2. I mostly only listen to ballads though on the occassion, I listen to something upbeat.

3. I just remembered that Priscilla wanted to know more about me, so maybe I have to think harder since she already knows no. 2. Hahaha...

4. I sometimes feel that writing in Mandarin is a more beautiful expression. Which is why I would like to learn more Mandarin to express myself better.

5. I like to learn many many things. For example, the piano, guitar, violin, dance, literature, history, art, French, Spanish, Korean, Japanese... (you get the idea)

6. I like to read things to get information. As such, I'm normally the person to read the information, analyse and dissect it and then summarize it to my friends (in a project) or my mother (when she asks me to do something).

7. I wish I was better in physical things. Because I really like sports like badminton, swimming, basketball, and gymnastics but I don't have the physical ability to be good in them.

8. I admire the fact that my brother and sister has cliques in the school. And that their clique actually do invite them for many things and are really close.

9. The reason I admire them is because I've never really felt like I belonged in or among my friends in school. It was better in college, I guess.

10. I'm wondering if it is because of the age difference or just because I haven't met like-minded people.

11. I always feel that I put myself more into any relationship/ friendship than the people involved. And it is very tiring.

12. As such, I'm teaching myself not to care for so many people not worth caring for. Or maybe just to accept that they will be acquaintances.

13. Besides, I don't need so many close friends, right? In the past few months, I have only been in contact with a few of my friends and have become somewhat like a social recluse. But I think that's fine.

14. I would like to be out of the country in the last quarter of this year, God willing. I really, really wish to continue my studies.

15. I'm often an upside-down person. I am awake in the night thru the wee hours, and sleep when the sun rises. I was normal last week but then I didn't quite know how to function =='

16. Which is probably why I'm awake now and typing this post. And forcing myself to finally continue my overdue workbook when I finish this.

* Not tagging anyone but if you wanna let people read 'bout you, then go ahead and reply :)

即使，只在梦里

今天在梦里，

你应许了我遇见你

好久不见的你

我好想念的你。

依然这么熟悉，

给了我轻微的笑容

令我心欢腾的笑容

同时有点心酸的笑容。

然后依然那么潇洒

转身，

离开。

许许多多的人群中

从你身上目不转移的我

只看见你，只记得你的我

似乎说出

我是多么的想抓住你，

即使只在梦里。

Colours

Like my friend potat, I like colourful things on display, especially like this picture. Was in Times browsing when I saw the cute erasers XD And I'm being totally random just because I wanna update my blog.

Oh... I bought an orange one too. The second colour from the left :)

Pretty Book Covers

As you might have noticed, I like books. Quite a lot of them. If you haven't, take a look to your right.

I like books with pretty covers. It is a bad... what do you call it... preference? I have because, pretty books cost more money than not so pretty books. When this happens to books I really wanna read, I debate for a long time (imagine you can get Pride and Prejudice for below RM10 and then you can get it with a pretty cover for RM20-30+). And the pretty book cover versions always never have discounts, even when their brother or sister in the not so pretty book cover is on 20%. The content is the same, I argue, and yet I'm inevitably torn towards the pretty book cover (which is why all my Julia Quinn books are from Piatkus).

Sometimes I am tempted to read books just because of their covers. This is funny really, because we all know the old adage "Don't judge a book by its cover." Alas... I must belong to the category that marketing people love because I often am attracted to covers 1st.

Lately, I've been led to read Chinese medium books for the same reason. And it helps that they're rather light on the pocket too, when compared to their English counterpart.

Those at the back are by 蝴蝶/ Seba. I like the artistic graphics. Front pink one is by 橘子/ Orange. I love this kind of illustrations.

The Perils of TouchnGo

A lot of times we don't really know how much we have left in our TouchnGo card.

This morning, my mum was going to a toll. I got out her TouchnGo card 'cos she was in that lane and couldn't go anywhere else.

She says, "Die lor... don't know got money or not wan. Like very long din reload..."

I laugh, and silently pray that there had better be enough. Especially since there's a car behind.

When my mum touches the card to the machine,

"Tit-tit"

The barrier goes up.

"Bayar : 0.90
Baki: 0.05"

"Walao!" I say.

So u know the perils of TouchnGo? :P

I bought my own birthday present XD

I'm totally loving the Secret Garden CD I bought... After I proudly displayed my purchase the other day, it turned out that I had actually bought what was supposed to have been my coming surprise birthday gift XD Hah! My mum and sis will just have to figure out something else...

As for the Mandarin novel... I have so far managed to finish the 1st chapter. Hopefully, I will know enough words and understand enough to make out the story XD

Sometimes I feel like crap

I have not blogged for a long time. Sometimes, I feel like I found something to blog about. Then, the thought of getting to the computer (well, inspiration just has to strike when I'm AWAY from the computer, doesn't it?) switching on the computer, dialing a slow connection to the Internet, and then waiting patiently for the Blogger Dashboard to load, then waiting again for the page to post to load.... well, you can pretty tell what I'm getting at? You'd be pretty discouraged by then.

Then again, maybe it's just me.

What can I say? I'm a pro procrastinator. Especially now with nothing to occupy my time. As my mind searches for what it could be put to use to, I find something - my portfolio. Argh... this crosses my mind with dread. It is not something I want to face. Everyone thinks I can do a very good portfolio since I have so much time. Everyone does not seem to think that this much time can also mean the much time spent not doing the portfolio.

Due to the lack of a portfolio, I have not applied for any university for my degree. The education office has stopped calling. I think they have given up on me already. I... how do I really feel? In me, there is a yearning that I can go and fly off to a university where I would be pursuing something and filling my days in a more useful manner than now. Then I am brought back to the many problems that cause me to be held back here. Sigh... excuses, really. On introspection, I never really did enough to solve them. Maybe you have lost me somewhere in the middle of the paragraph. Doesn't matter... I have lost the desire to express myself in this matter.

Oh, and one of my friends who actually graduated this year (I stopped going to college sometime in the first half of last year) is going to Liverpool for his degree this September. We actually talked about going to uni together ages ago. And what am I doing now? Ah... I will miss him.

I'm not in a job as well. Well, I actually have done a couple of temporary jobs in the last month. Ever since stopping at Mid Valley, I have set up a craft stall at the Real Kids Olympiad at Bukit Jalil, continued my workbook editing, and set up a sand art booth at a promotion area at Leisure Mall. It is almost a week since the last one ended. And maybe tomorrow I'm setting up the sand art thing again. Ok... I don't know what's the point of this.

I think what I'm trying to say is... My life seems to be wasting away at the moment. Wasting away being at home, sleeping at all the wrong hours, eating one meal a day, watching all the DVDs at home, reading and re-reading storybooks, finding games to play on the computer and being unproductive.

Seriously. I feel like crap.

I feel a funny emptiness in myself. Where and why - or who it's for, I'm still trying to tell. It might be just a bad mix of hormones. But it's just dragging me really low, into a deep, black hole.

Or maybe I just felt a yearning to write - to draw - or maybe just to do something with my hands that have lain idle for some time.

What else is there for me to grasp and what else is there for me to give up? My current job, my studies, my coming convocation, my further studies... My brother is going off to Kuching. I feel a ridiculous urge to cry. Unwittingly, tears come unbidden. They almost scared me, as I felt this familiar warmth in my eyes.

when I just feel like writing

Sitting in college library. Haven't been here in a long time. Was looking for my old assignments to compile my portfolio. Tomorrow there's a representative from Birmingham City University conducting an interview at the education services office. Not sure if I can really present anything decent.

Looked through the boards in the racks. Found about 6 of my boards. Found a lot more belonging to the rest of my comrades in former IAAR04A. Somewhat nostalgic when looking through all this. Was reminded of simpler times with all my friends, all pursuing a similar goal - finishing assignments and getting through the semester, especially assessment.

Those times were somewhat crazy. I can remember the many occasions where I felt like I couldn't breathe, couldn't function, couldn't think. Yet now I wish I had some times like this. When the tiredness came from doing something productive, instead of coming from staring at the TV or the computer screen.

Looking for a job. Don't know what exactly should I do. Feels like I can do any job actually. People around me tell me I should not be anxious. Even my brother got a job already... Sigh...

这到底算什么

之前，我刚觉得自己很棒，因为对他似乎没什么感觉了。好像他的离去已经使他从我的心理也离去了。已经没有痛，没有思念，不会想哭。

但，我现今哭了。因为心依依不舍，哭了。觉得自己这样很傻，哭了。想起以后可能不会再有联络，哭了。讨厌自己又哭了，再哭。。。

这到底是什么？他到底算什么？为什么总是让我的心不受控制？这是什么心情啊？我不是好了吗？不是没事了吗？为什么会这样？从心里压着的泪好像全都要一次过出来。。为什么还有那么多泪啊？难道我是傻瓜吗？我是白痴吗？

觉得自己很可笑。。。不喜欢这样的我。

The Yukon And Mutu

*DDDDDDRRrrrruummmmmRRRrrollllllll!!*

Haha... Was trying to create an effect of a drum roll - not sure if it worked. Anyway, the purpose of this post is to introduce another new blog - Yukon-Ho! which is by my brother. I have linked him at the side - you can see it as MyBroWhoLikesCallingHimselfMutu, which for obvious reasons you can see. Haha... I know this is a bit late... but Congratulations bro for finally having your blog! Finally, after being influenced by those crazy nutters around you who keep blogs... XD (I'm not included in this statement, mind you) .

So people... to know what's Yukon-Ho, do go over and have a loOk! And of course, welcome the new blogger...

Oh, and I'm gonna credit myself here too, because I gave him the birthday present that caused him to name his blog that name... Kakakaka...

Rice Packet Order Incident

Alas... due to the trend of children having to cram and stress for their BIG exams, the unfortunate UPSR, PMR and SPM students of my alma mater had to attend several days of extra classes, which effectively killed any joy they originally had from it being the school holidays.

During these days then... a series of unfortunate events happened, leading to the Rice Packet Order Incident. I will here describe them best as I can, from what I know from a reliable source.

On the 1st day of the unfortunate classes, these good students more or less showed up, bringing the attendance to approx. 200 pax. And then, as is our trend (among students anyways), this number dwindled miserably to a 2-digit figure the following day.

Anyway, these classes were scheduled to be from 8/9 am - 1/2 pm. Hence, there was a need for lunch, some thought. So, pihak A decided to order some food for these miserable children. Pihak A was responsible to find out how many of them wanted lunch, and accordingly got the figure for about 60+ students. And thus placed the order. However, some exceedingly kind people, I shall name them pihak ZR2, got the figure from the day before and thus proceeded to place an order for such an amount.

So, do you see where the incident happened? No? Well... as you can logically infer, there was an overwhelming abundance of food that day. To solve this, the food finally travelled some 45 minutes to a charity home, which perhaps received this unexpected offering with much gratefulness. So pihak ZR2 did get to express their generosity after all.

After the incident, there was of course the prerequisite post-mortem, as to why the systems of communication had failed them once again. And of course, the fingers started pointing in order to answer the question of who would PAY for such an error. Pihak Y offered to be the kambing korban, but was snuffed as not seeing the point of the question. But that's another story...

Oh, in case you were wondering... the government a.k.a. the school paid in the end. And I'm only taking on the role as reporter here since some other blogs might not be at liberty to discuss it. It is after all, only my alma mater....

2. A sad thing in life is when you meet someone who means a lot to you, only to find out in the end that it was never meant to be and you just have to let go.

3. The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you’ve ever had.

5. It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone-but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.

6. Don’t go for looks; they can deceive. Don’t go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright.

~ from "11 Lessons in Life"

Today is my Mummy's birthday!!! Hahaha... HAPPY BIRTHDAY mummy! (not that she reads my blog, but anyway... it's the thought that counts, rite?)

Hmm... maybe we're getting ice-cream again tonight (we've been getting ice-cream for every member of the family recently). Or maybe we treat Mum to one of those Thai dinner she loves. Or an alternative - dim sum?? Hahaha... I'm gonna go extort my bro and dad for money *evil smirk*

*sigh*... how come everyone birthday is one month after the previous (sis in May, dad in June, bro in July, mum now in August) and mine so c-beh far away in December?

never mind, I'm the special one. Besides, I love my month. Haha XD

So horrible day.... My editing work was supposed to be due today, and I had only just begun.

And I started sneezing the moment I woke up. And continued all the way while I was working at my editing. Nose constantly itchy and having sensationnnn... ahhh---chooo! *oops! I just sneezed again. Oh.. as I was saying, sensation of wanting to sneeze.

Had to constantly blow my nose. Now all red liao. Tomorrow the skin sure gonna peel. Haii.... So painful some more. And eyes also cannot open...

Today was my "Most Tissue Wads" record day....