I have a mental block

I had an interview this morning. And I'm probably going to thank this architect very much later in my life (if I manage to work out his advice) because he took so much time with me, and instead of a proper interview, it turned out to be a career counseling session. And I think I needed this very much too.

I don't know if I looked like I had a lot of problems, or if I looked like sometimes I feel like crap, but anyhow, Ar Don realized I wasn't whole-heartedly applying for the job. (Yes, if you didn't guess, I'm going to work for the sake of working because I don't want to waste away at home). So instead of talking about the job, we actually talked about why I wasn't doing my degree, and why did I really want a degree in Architecture.

It started with this question, "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" I replied that I'd probably be doing my degree. Then he asked what was it that stopped me from continuing my degree. I said "money".

Him: Scholarship?
Me: I don't have the results to apply for it. (and I said a lot more in elaboration...)

He proceeds to draw a diagram:

Him: So, the way I see it, it doesn't seem like a possibility you can get your degree in the near/foreseeable future.

Me: Hmm...

Him: This degree, is it necessary to be in Architecture, or your aim is to get a degree?
Me: (after some thought) No, not really.
Him: So, your ultimate aim is to get a degree. It doesn't matter what the degree is in, correct?

I nod. It seems he's reached a conclusion about this strange little person sitting in him.

Then, we continue to talk about what would I do if I didn't do Architecture. He asks me what was my other interest - languages. I don't know how but it came to me telling him this -

I don't really know how long I can stay in Architecture. I don't have big dreams of opening my own architect firm or becoming a renowned famous architect. In fact, the reason I was compelled to study Architecture in the first place was this - I dreamed of building my own house. To be honest I probably started the course without really knowing what it was all about. But in the following years of study, I discovered that perhaps this was not something I can do for, I wouldn't say the rest of my life, but for a very long time in my life, at least. Three years including six months of practical training made me consider, if I had the resilience to continue on this long road to becoming an architect.

So, he said something to this effect, "There are three different types of people who study this course. The first, those who really have the passion for this, even if they struggle, no money, die die also must take this course. Then, there's the next group who just took the course and they're not the top scorers but they stick around and eventually become valuable with experience. Then, there's the group who take this course just because they cannot study something else."

I consider then... I have seen people with passion for Architecture, and I must say I'm not one of them; as such, I admire them so. He continues, "You might have had an inkling for Architecture. We have inklings for many things, you know. But maybe you lack the passion that will help you through."

"If so, why do you insist on doing Architecture? The way I see it, it seems you have some sort of a mental block. Architecture is so expensive and so time-consuming. Since you say you might not stay long enough to reap the labor of this, why do you keep banging your head on the wall?"

I say, "Maybe I'm just looking for closure... I think it would be something I'd look like and wonder on if I had finished it."

He replies, "Closure can also come with the decision not to do anything, anymore. You know, you can say, I've done it, it's not my cup of tea. I'm done," his two hands lying flat in gesture.

I didn't have much to say after that. We went through a little formality and talked about the job. Then, I left, with my thoughts in a mass of confusion. I felt like screaming and running away. As I have been doing ever since I graduated.

It's not something that I did not know about. The issues, the questions, they have bugged me for quite a long time, probably everything I hit a low in my studies. I have never questioned myself or felt so emotionally tired (in college) before.

That's it then. That's the long story that might come as a little of a shock to all my friends in college.

*Sorry that I'm so long-winded. Thanks for reading all the way to the end =)

The Rain and After

wishing for a story
a romance to unfold
a kiss so magical as to lift one off her feet
whisking her into happiness beyond the stars

her heart beat
so quickly she felt it would burst
she smiled
she ran and chased
like a butterfly after a whiff of flowers

but before she could reach
to touch if it was real
the fragrance faded
then she only smelt
the scent of rain and after

her wings drooped
she rested
the fragrance was gone
never to be found

she thought she caught a note
maybe here, no, there
she skipped
but her heart knew
its key and print
was not in the air
nor anywhere near her

but wait
what was that -
her wings raised
poised to take flight

in search of that elusive magic
her heart beat quicker
and she smiled like never before
but she took two steps forward
and then one step backward

though she tried
she flitted and danced around
alas! it was not meant for her
magic ran to another

rain fell
harder and stronger
it broke her wings
pierced her heart and wrung it dry

she lay
covered, battered
showered by the drops of rain
bathed in the scent
of rain and after

And finally, I bought HP7

I have all the books in the Harry Potter series. Finally! Hah... I know that's not an accomplishment, really, so many people are the same. But, up until recently I have only had the 6 books and last week, I finally bought the last, and seventh book!

Why the delay, you ask? You see, though I like reading Harry Potter, and though I may remember most of what I read which will make me seem like a very devoted fan (really it's not something I try to do), I am not one of the fanatics who would line up in front of the bookstore the 1st day it was launched (I was going to say I wouldn't pre-order as well, but I seem to have done so with the 4th book). And I'm not one who would pay over a hundred ringgit for a book. Fiction, that is. And even the RM69.90 price offered then at the hypermarkets couldn't entice me enough.

So, when I entered Popular bookstore last week and I saw this book - hardcover - on promotion (!), going for RM49.90 with an itsy bitsy purchase of RM10 & above, I took action immediately. I went home feeling rather giddy with joy and satisfaction, I must say.

And though it's been a while, I have meticulously steered clear from all the spoilers everywhere. So. I sat one day when I didn't have to wake up early the next as I had determined I would finish it in one sitting. And god... I don't know if my reading skills have deteriorated or is it a testament to J.K. Rowling's writing, but the book took forever!

I suppose it had something to do with the content - that feeling of forever, I mean. It certainly isn't the thickest book, and yet it felt like the longest. The content was so heavy and so emotional that it had me in tears within the 5 chapters. And seriously, did so many characters have to die?? I think my dad suspected me of going a bit bonkers because I was holding two thick-ass books (I was reading a bit in HP6 for reference) and having teary eyes.

I finally finished it at 7a.m. I had gone to my room and sequestered myself there since midnight. And I had started a few chapters before dinner. So I think it took me about 9+ hours to finish, headache notwithstanding.

Sometimes I feel like crap

I have not blogged for a long time. Sometimes, I feel like I found something to blog about. Then, the thought of getting to the computer (well, inspiration just has to strike when I'm AWAY from the computer, doesn't it?) switching on the computer, dialing a slow connection to the Internet, and then waiting patiently for the Blogger Dashboard to load, then waiting again for the page to post to load.... well, you can pretty tell what I'm getting at? You'd be pretty discouraged by then.

Then again, maybe it's just me.

What can I say? I'm a pro procrastinator. Especially now with nothing to occupy my time. As my mind searches for what it could be put to use to, I find something - my portfolio. Argh... this crosses my mind with dread. It is not something I want to face. Everyone thinks I can do a very good portfolio since I have so much time. Everyone does not seem to think that this much time can also mean the much time spent not doing the portfolio.

Due to the lack of a portfolio, I have not applied for any university for my degree. The education office has stopped calling. I think they have given up on me already. I... how do I really feel? In me, there is a yearning that I can go and fly off to a university where I would be pursuing something and filling my days in a more useful manner than now. Then I am brought back to the many problems that cause me to be held back here. Sigh... excuses, really. On introspection, I never really did enough to solve them. Maybe you have lost me somewhere in the middle of the paragraph. Doesn't matter... I have lost the desire to express myself in this matter.

Oh, and one of my friends who actually graduated this year (I stopped going to college sometime in the first half of last year) is going to Liverpool for his degree this September. We actually talked about going to uni together ages ago. And what am I doing now? Ah... I will miss him.

I'm not in a job as well. Well, I actually have done a couple of temporary jobs in the last month. Ever since stopping at Mid Valley, I have set up a craft stall at the Real Kids Olympiad at Bukit Jalil, continued my workbook editing, and set up a sand art booth at a promotion area at Leisure Mall. It is almost a week since the last one ended. And maybe tomorrow I'm setting up the sand art thing again. Ok... I don't know what's the point of this.

I think what I'm trying to say is... My life seems to be wasting away at the moment. Wasting away being at home, sleeping at all the wrong hours, eating one meal a day, watching all the DVDs at home, reading and re-reading storybooks, finding games to play on the computer and being unproductive.

Seriously. I feel like crap.