I have a mental block

I had an interview this morning. And I'm probably going to thank this architect very much later in my life (if I manage to work out his advice) because he took so much time with me, and instead of a proper interview, it turned out to be a career counseling session. And I think I needed this very much too.

I don't know if I looked like I had a lot of problems, or if I looked like sometimes I feel like crap, but anyhow, Ar Don realized I wasn't whole-heartedly applying for the job. (Yes, if you didn't guess, I'm going to work for the sake of working because I don't want to waste away at home). So instead of talking about the job, we actually talked about why I wasn't doing my degree, and why did I really want a degree in Architecture.

It started with this question, "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" I replied that I'd probably be doing my degree. Then he asked what was it that stopped me from continuing my degree. I said "money".

Him: Scholarship?
Me: I don't have the results to apply for it. (and I said a lot more in elaboration...)

He proceeds to draw a diagram:

Him: So, the way I see it, it doesn't seem like a possibility you can get your degree in the near/foreseeable future.

Me: Hmm...

Him: This degree, is it necessary to be in Architecture, or your aim is to get a degree?
Me: (after some thought) No, not really.
Him: So, your ultimate aim is to get a degree. It doesn't matter what the degree is in, correct?

I nod. It seems he's reached a conclusion about this strange little person sitting in him.

Then, we continue to talk about what would I do if I didn't do Architecture. He asks me what was my other interest - languages. I don't know how but it came to me telling him this -

I don't really know how long I can stay in Architecture. I don't have big dreams of opening my own architect firm or becoming a renowned famous architect. In fact, the reason I was compelled to study Architecture in the first place was this - I dreamed of building my own house. To be honest I probably started the course without really knowing what it was all about. But in the following years of study, I discovered that perhaps this was not something I can do for, I wouldn't say the rest of my life, but for a very long time in my life, at least. Three years including six months of practical training made me consider, if I had the resilience to continue on this long road to becoming an architect.

So, he said something to this effect, "There are three different types of people who study this course. The first, those who really have the passion for this, even if they struggle, no money, die die also must take this course. Then, there's the next group who just took the course and they're not the top scorers but they stick around and eventually become valuable with experience. Then, there's the group who take this course just because they cannot study something else."

I consider then... I have seen people with passion for Architecture, and I must say I'm not one of them; as such, I admire them so. He continues, "You might have had an inkling for Architecture. We have inklings for many things, you know. But maybe you lack the passion that will help you through."

"If so, why do you insist on doing Architecture? The way I see it, it seems you have some sort of a mental block. Architecture is so expensive and so time-consuming. Since you say you might not stay long enough to reap the labor of this, why do you keep banging your head on the wall?"

I say, "Maybe I'm just looking for closure... I think it would be something I'd look like and wonder on if I had finished it."

He replies, "Closure can also come with the decision not to do anything, anymore. You know, you can say, I've done it, it's not my cup of tea. I'm done," his two hands lying flat in gesture.

I didn't have much to say after that. We went through a little formality and talked about the job. Then, I left, with my thoughts in a mass of confusion. I felt like screaming and running away. As I have been doing ever since I graduated.

It's not something that I did not know about. The issues, the questions, they have bugged me for quite a long time, probably everything I hit a low in my studies. I have never questioned myself or felt so emotionally tired (in college) before.

That's it then. That's the long story that might come as a little of a shock to all my friends in college.

*Sorry that I'm so long-winded. Thanks for reading all the way to the end =)