只是一个告别

今天，我对你又有了新的感觉。
发现，虽然和你在一起的时候，不是什么兴奋的事，但还算是幸福吧。
就算没和你说活，但看到你，已经是一种满足。

当一离开你的身边，
我的身体突然好冷，是从内里发出的冷。
心，不安，不舍。
后悔离开，不想让你走开，走远。

理智控制情感，
让自己不回头，
向前走。
每一步好重，好难走。

终于可以回头那时候，
你已经慢慢离开我了。
我们的今天结束了。

只留我一个人。
不知道如何面对失去的人。
第一次变成这样，
心里好像不见了什么。
有一个洞，
忽然开了。

心情很沉重，
心思很混乱，
想流泪解决，
但泪水啊。。。
好像躲起来了。

只是那么简单的告别，
却能让我变成这样。
完蛋了。。。
我完蛋了。。。

Austen Character.. hmm...

You scored as Emma Woodhouse. Emma is possibly one of the most loyal characters of Austen, always wanting better for those around her and doing all she possibly can to make it happen. Her motives sometimes get in the way of her good intentions and her own opinions can end up ruling her actions, but she has a good heart. She loves to be social and is welcoming to most, unless they are too silly to tolerate. While she sometimes changes her behavior to make others feel comfortable, she knows who she is and is always bettering herself. Which Jane Austen Character are You? (For Females) Long Quiz!!! created with QuizFarm.com

Cheat, Or Not?

I had just finished a visit to PAM (Pertubuhan Akitek Malaysia) for an assignment when I encountered a curious, new experience. Upon reaching the entrance of KL Sentral, a man approached me, asking, [The conversation hereafter shall be a translation of the actual one carried out in Mandarin] "Miss, do you understand Mandarin?"

He was dressed in a dark blue shirt with a red collar, and black trousers. He had short, something like crew cut hair. His face was quite large, with fairly big, alert eyes, and thick eyebrows. He even had a little belly. I would venture him to be around early to mid-30s. He was carrying a briefcase.

He asked me to listen to him for a while, and after that I could leave if I couldn't help. He introduced that he was from China and was asking me since I was Chinese as well. I guess I must have looked kinda wary and even nervous (this is my first such encounter) that he said, "You don't have to be so afraid, I'm not a bad person." I tried to ease up a bit, but still felt bit uneasy.

He described that he had run into some difficulties, and that his "lao zhong" (boss) who was supposed to be here today informed him that he could only come tomorrow. Then, he stated his motive - that he currently had no money on him, and asked if I could spare him some money to get food. Well... I was on my guard now, 'cos he certainly looked pretty decent and not the kind who would be starving just dut to the lack of one meal.

He said he would return me the money tomorrow, and that "the amount is not important, but we can become friends." I wasn't sure if to believe him, so I asked, "How are you going to return the money to me?" He said, "Leave me with your handphone number, and give me a chance to repay you." Ha! My instincts strongly warned against this. He took out his handphone from his pocket, red in colour.

He persisted in saying that he would soon return my money, especially when his "lao ba" (father) came tomorrow. Strange, how come it was "lao ba" now? Thought he mentioned "lao zhong"? When I still made no reaction except to smile uncomfortably, he said, "Miss, you still don't believe me?? Leave me with your handphone number and give me a chance to repay you. I'm not a person who lacks money, just that I ran into some difficulties currently. The amount (money) is not important, but we can be friends."

I asked again, "How can you totally not have any money with you?" At this point, he became slightly abashed and said, "Frankly, though I feel ashamed to tell you, but I lost all my money in Genting last night.." My uneasiness radar was increasing... a gambler now?

He continued in his ramblings, "If you have the chance to come to Beijing in 2008 for the Olympics, you can call me up. Come together with your family, and all you expenses, air ticket, will be paid by me." This was sounding a bit overboard now, isn't it? He now emphasized on how we could be friends, saying things like "We're all Chinese, all descendants of the dragon - long de chuan ren." I suddenly felt like saying, "I'm sorry, but I'm a Christian."

*Sigh* I so didn't know how to handle the situation, and whether to believe him or not. What's more, I was alone, with no one to consult. Finally, I decided that I couldn't risk giving him my handphone number, or the money, even the RM 10 he suggested.

I said I had to leave. He made one more final attempt before giving up and letting me off. I breathed in relief...

*So what do you think? A cheat, or not?

Soon to End

I'm in the second last week of my practical training already... Hahaha... I'm having mixed feelings though; not sure if I'm glad to have a break from working, or worried that I'll still face so many difficulties in my studies later... Well, nothing I can do about that, but just to wait and see.

My training has made me learn so many things, not only in expanding my very limited knowledge of architecture, but even more in life and living. During the course that I have been in this company, I have witnessed so much that would usually happen within a longer duration of time:

- My company has split into two smaller companies, with 2 bosses leaving to set up their company independently.
- Due to that, lots of furniture, computers (with valuable softwares), people and office equipments has been moved leaving the office half empty and full of cleaning to do.
- A colleague who was pregnant for 3 months getting a miscarriage due to all the stress.
- Another male colleague who left after a trainee reported to the police for harassment.
- The departure and resignation of approx. 10+ people (including those who left to the other company)
- Hence the employment of new architects, 3 of which one only stayed for 3 days (she was a fresh grad though - assistant architect).

Seemingly unconcerned with me, yet having to go along with these ups and downs, inevitably makes me really quite burnt out physically and mentally. But, when I mention this, most people would say, "Next time you'd be stronger."

If one would ask if I gained anything from this industrial training, I would answer in the affirmative, maybe not the knowledge I was seeking, but the experiences that came knocking.

The Rose

Some say love, it is a river
That drowns the tender reed
Some say love, it is a razor
That leaves your soul to bleed
Some say love, it is a hunger
And endless aching need
I say love, it is a flower
And you its only seed.

It's the heart afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance
It's the dream afraid of waking
That never takes the chance
It's the one who won't be taken
Who can not seem to give
And the soul afraid of dying
That never learns to live

When the night has been too lonely
And the road has been too long
And you think that love is only
For the lucky and the strong

Just remember in the winter
Far beneath the bitter snow
Lies the seed, that with the sun's love
In the spring becomes the rose

~sung by Bette Midler

Generation

Recently, I've been impressed with the contents of a magazine by the name of Generation. The articles are thought provoking, even life altering for some... Especially for those in search for something worthwhile to read, and to keep, do visit:

http://www.gogeneration.com/

"...It is natural to suppose that a Being so high above us possesses no desire... According to our logic, how could a Being who is indeed complete and perfect possess a desire?... When we really stop to think, it makes sense that God has a desire. Attention to the world around us reveals an important principle: the more living a being is, the greater its desire. A stone, for example, is lifeless; as an inanimate object, it has no desire. Whether it rests in a park or is ground to fine powder does not bother a rock one way or another. Dogs possess a higher life and present greater desires; human beings possess an even higher life and demand even more. As the highest life of all, then, God must have an enormous desire."
-from Vol. 5 iss. 2 Generation Magazine

New Place

An update after quite some time "lost" online... hehehe...

Well... as of now, I'm no longer staying in the 3-minute-away-from-college room in Taman Paramount, PJ anymore. On the contrary, I'm staying in a house with beloved church sisters in Subang, which is now a 3-minute-away-from-office place =D

Haha.. the move was due to my having to go for 6 months of practical training in an architectural firm, so currently I've been attached to S N Low & Associates Sdn Bhd for a month and 3 weeks. It's been quite a new and different experience.. but I must say I miss college and all my friends soooo much!!! haha... hope to visit everyone soon!

Erm.. the past few weekends I've been quite filled with activities too. 3 weeks ago, we had a youth serving ones' blending in Country Heights, Kajang. Stayed in 2 villas (21 of us) for an extremely relaxing and enjoyable 2 days 1 night! Haha... the feeling was very nice... and all of us seemed to be brought into a closer and warmer circle.

Then last week was our youth camp in Broga Camp, Broga. There were 57 of us, including youth and serving ones. We had activities like flying fox, obstacle course, low rope and rafting, which were facilities at the camp. It was another very fun and enjoyable weekend =) I got to know many new people (the youth) 'cos some of them were first timers to our camp... so it felt very fresh and light to me.

Ok... think will stop here. Maybe when I'm more diligent I'll write something more "poem" like.. haha =D

To have no hope

今天
你说
若现在没希望
也代表未来是一样
没希望

我的心
似乎停了一下
我寻问
若是未来的事，
你为什么那么肯定
会发生的
或你自己

你又说，
自己应该改变不多
所以已经蛮清楚了

你再次的在暗示我
再次的在警告我
再次的提醒我
再次的保护我？

很想从心里
大大声地喊
不愿意，不甘心

我想相信未来
相信那未能知的未来
你却不想让我有那个权利
为何你不能一样的
把未来
交给未来

我已经放松了，不是吗？
我已经想好了，不是吗？
说了是朋友，还不行吗？

我知道你是为我好
但我真得无法
因你这样
而不再次的悲伤

外面
在下雨
好大，好大的雨

朋友，是好的

常希望超越朋友
常想象，我们，会怎样
但其实不妨退一步，看清楚
是否自己真的要这些
或应该说，需要吗？

既然知道
现在不是时候
那就不需要寻找
不需要追求
毕竟
它，还不是
任何人预备好接受的。

我听了一句很有智慧的话，
“Be what you are until you are different”
还没超越朋友，
那我们
最好的，
就是当朋友。

Answers, some

On the spur of the moment
When empathy for me was with you
I picked up the courage
To ask the reason as to why
You had to send me that e-mail
The one that grounded me
And cause me to cease my fancies

The reason simple, you said
You’d become afraid that I cared
For you more than I should

So another question comes to me
“You’re no longer afraid now?”
You, after some hesitation
Reply that you do not know

My heart opened
And the wound healed
Because it was the best answer
And balm as it could ever be

It amuses me so
That you can’t figure me out now
That you don’t even know
If you should be afraid of me
I guess I have kept my word
And allowed you to lead the way
Following instead

So now we merely enjoy
Enlightening conversation
Lightly teasing, provoking
Revealing some, yet revealing none
Falling for your “traps”
Letting you make fun of me
Somehow you always win
Though I don’t mind, not at all

Endless possibilities ahead
With no way of knowing any
Where your path will lead you
Or where my route will take me
Will we still meet?
Will we still speak?
Will we be closer?
Will we be further?

We walk on ahead
Slowly, leisurely, pleasurably
Not heeding much the unknown
Nor caring much either

And so
For now
We remain simply, openly

Friends

Questions, so many *sigh*

I feel like I’m being caught into a hole
Sinking deeper and deeper
You’re making me confused
With this delicate web of conversation

You talk to me with an open air
Of our feelings, of what we see
And what we feel we need
In our future someones

It seems such an intimate topic
One to approach with care
So as to not overstep the line
Where we might burn, if we dare
Though perhaps me on the receiving end.

You ask me if there was
Someone who attracted me
When I hesitated you grabbed the chance
And asked my why my attraction

You made me so nervous
How do I tell you
That my someone was you, is you
Tell you why you
Captivated me so

I dared not say too much
In fear that you will
Recognize yourself in my words

You’re hinting at some attraction
I’m so curious, yet I hold my breath
I feel you’re experiencing
Something you might not want to
Perhaps that’s why you’re telling me
And since you started, you continued to

You never chose to act like this
To speak with such freedom
Because you were afraid too,
Of danger if you did
The danger of someone getting too close

Yet you’re opening to me
It certainly seems that way
Does it mean you don’t think
Me a danger?
If so, I’m not sure
If you’re right.

Even though my mind knows not to,
I might still be in danger
Of not being able to keep a distance
To hold you away
Because I don't want to, not really.

If you allow me to
I’ll continue to listen to you
Try to stay afloat
Hopefully not betraying myself

If one day you knew
Though you warned me in words so clear
That my heart crossed the line
Silently tying itself to you
One day you pushed me away
Not wishing to cause me any pain

I'd wish to thank you
Though it'd not be possible
And I would still hurt
But only because I chose to

Because I had
Allowed you to make me laugh happier
Allowed you to make me cry sadder
Allowed you close enough to hurt

Know that
I never really dreamt of anything further
Know this
I only wished to care for you.