我相信

我相信
雨过会有彩虹
乌云中也有阳光
所发生的事
都有独特的奥妙

我相信
人是需要关怀
也会关怀别人
显出最美的一面

我相信
悲伤会过去
跟着自己的选择
和时间的
顺其自然

我相信
自己会遇最相配的
让自己最温暖的
让自己最特别的
让自己最快乐的

我相信
有浪漫的爱
真实的爱
永久的爱
有童话般
最好的结局

我相信
因为相信
比较幸福。

05.12.2005

thank you, Mr. Lighting kekeke... =P (can't see the cake decor cream on my face liao...)

making a wish...

still with the wish... what's that hand doing there?.....

original version (i think it can be a college publicity shot too! =) see the logo and name at the back?)

photoshop version =P

习惯了的思念

如果对痛苦可以习惯，那么思念呢？也可以吗？我是否，已经落到这个地步了呢？

其实，说真的
我应该不算很了解你
也并不是很认识你
可能对你的事，我不是完全的知道
就只是你跟我说的而已。

在别人眼中
我们有了不该有的联络
有了不该有的见面
但我有一些难以接受
因为我很清楚
我们之间不是他们想得那样
甚至可能什么都不是。

因为你
槟城成为了另有意思的地方
因为你
我第一次觉得自己好特别
因为你
让我不顾一切的去问候
因为你
给了我小小甜蜜的幸福
因为你
也让我认识了他。

对你
我是否过于固执了？
对你
我是否过于敏感？
对你
我是否过于的习惯？

见到你
应该是我很难忘的事
是我期待的事
见了你
我的感觉却消失了
去哪了？

就因如此，
开始查问
对于你的思念
是否只是在脑海里
而不是真真的在心里？

若是那样，
之前以为是痛苦，就该不是真的了
若不是那样，
为何我见到你的感觉，没有任何的兴奋，或特别的开心？
还是因为太多的不应该，
蒙蔽了我见你的喜悦？

我好希望
对你，不是习惯的思念
不只是守着一些已经不是的事
如果是
那么
也该是


我放开你的时候了。

习惯了的痛苦

我在想，是否有习惯了的痛苦？对人付出，但没得到任何有意义的回报，应该是很痛苦的吧。付出的对象，不一定是你喜欢的那一位，我只是在说任何对你自己有一些重要的人。

当然，起初会希望他对你有些回应吧。但，即使他没那样做，你还是继续得关心他，继续得跟他联络。在生活上，有时候会想起他，然后会想“他过的好吗？”

习惯了他的不回应，习惯了他的不会打电话来，习惯了他忘记之前答应过的事。虽然不好受，但是习惯了。

因为习惯，痛，好像也不是那么痛。

Me and 17

Two boxes – one purple, one green
Purple revealed a cute little kitty with a wistful grin
Of felt, polyester fiber and beans
Green contained six hand-made
Uniquely beautiful clips for my hair bed
A card accompanied each one, both in purple envelopes.
Inside the same inscription,
“Happy Birthday!” the caption

A movie for pleasure,
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Then a meal for the stomach,
Manhattan Fish Market – the seller
Ooh~ heavenly seafood platter
Of fish, prawns and calamari in batter
Mussels too, making its patter.

Opening the door
Finding even more
A Cake!
Crafted, a smile to make

Warmness radiated
Both candles and friends beloved
As a song sung,
A wish made
I believe, from my heart too.

Further laughter
With playful banter
We sought each other
With cream, not the flower
Sparing not even the photographer

Trying to cut nicely
Yet failing drastically
We presented the cake “artistically”

Time came for more delights
Discovering one – CD of her likes
Dolphin earrings in their stride
Another box – a white one this time
A cow! A baby shoe?
Mobile phone holder, the pocket signed

Calls to some dear to the heart
In my joy, they were a part
Euphoria abated
Happiness accorded
My day ended.

A Little Princess

In my continual journey through the magical, wondrous and sometimes unimaginable worlds presented through story books, it is always satisfying to find one story that stays in the mind indefinitely. Often flashes a phrase, or a dialogue, prompts my mind then to search for the title of the story, and book if I have it, then to locating it physically, and browsing straight to where I thought of.

This story, http://www.pagebypagebooks.com/Frances_Hodgson_Burnett/A_Little_Princess/

is one that comes to mind often, quoted elsewhere a lot too.

I enjoyed it immensely, perhaps you would too! =)

很痛

真的感觉很孤单。

有式过在雨中走路回家吗？若没有，或许不知道，在雨中走路，真地会觉得好冷哦。。。
忘记带伞，所以只好淋着雨的走回家。

从来都没觉得上课，读书，是那么痛苦的事。或许是因为自己的懒，才会发生那么多功课做不完的事情。虽然该死，但知道了也不会好受一点点。

身边没有人，都只是自己跟自己的胡思乱想。

这时，觉得周围好静哦。。。
压抑的心情也越来越强，强的。。。好像无法呼吸。眼泪也会跟着掉下来。

哭了，又在想，为何每次都让自己变成这个样子？
不知道。。。

好像连哭的权利，都没有。


只知道，担心，加上孤单，还有一些的胡思乱想，

很痛。

My Best Friend

What happens to you when your best friend finds someone, THAT someone? Often I have read about this, but I've never really paid much attention to it. It's not that I didn't think my best friend wasn't going to find someone, it's just that.....well, I suppose we always have that "It'll never happen to me" attitude.

When my best friend did find her someone, I was really happy for her. Her happiness simply radiated, and who could help it but be influenced as well. She did seem more beautiful, indeed praised by some, "Wow... you're looking prettier and prettier!" to which she only smiled blissfully in response. I knew her someone as well, and I was glad that he was doing so much good for her.

What difference it made to me, was accepting that now my friend had someone else she was committed to. And in those articles, I had read about best friends who became jealous and tried to monopolise their friend and snatching every opportunity to gain affection. Sometimes, friendships were lost too.

I'm glad to say, I don't belong in that group. Of course, at first, you might feel a little weird, when your phone conversations get shorter because that someone is calling her. Or when she forgets to call back because she got waylaid by his call or message. When you don't have so much time to spend chatting, yakking on the phone with her anymore because she's out on a date. Even when you were shown the little stuff and mementos given to her, feeling grossed out by all the "mushiness".

Sooner or later, you'll start to realise, that your friend is still your friend. And most of the time, a better one. She hasn't stopped caring for me, neither has she been not around when I needed her. You'll find, that your friend even becomes much more adept at handling situations now, because her maturity has grown to accept anothers' opinions and thoughts. And that, is something I would treasure very much. Besides, things that seemed so difficult or impossible in the beginning, wasn't really that unimaginably hard at all.

Well, my phone conversation with her just ended. And yes, because her someone was calling. So, I hung up. With grace and acceptance. Perhaps, respect, too.

无奈

最痛苦，
最难过，
最令人讨厌的感觉。

发现事实，却无能做任何事。
只看着，
最不想发生的事情，
就在眼前，
发生。

当无奈时，
想大声说，“不要这样！”
“拜托你，真的不要这样。。。好吗？”

他能听到吗？
听到你内心里的呼喊？

在身旁的人，
替你感到可怜，
替你感到悲伤，
甚至替你流泪。

但至终，
留下的心情。。。

无奈。

Infidelity

Or sometimes known as "straying". Of course, someone can only be accused of this if they were, or-thank their lucky stars- are attached.

Sure, the lure of forbidden fruit seems tantalising enough.

However, the price of the pain the loved one will experience upon stumbling on the truth, seems to dim it so much more.

Shock.
Numbness.
Disbelief.
Denial.
Anger.
Hurt.
Pain.

Helplessness.

无奈。

Grammar In A Nutshell

Three little words you often see
Are Articles - A, An, and The.

A Noun's the name of anything,
As School, or Garden, Hoop or Swing.

Adjectives tell the kind of Noun,
As Great, Small, Pretty, White or Brown.

Instead of Nouns the Pronouns stand -
Her head, His face, Your arm, My hand.

Verbs tell something being done -
To Read, Count, Laugh, Sing, Jump or Run.

How things are done the Adverbs tell,
As Slowly, Quickly, Ill, or Well.

Conjunctions join the words together,
As men And women, wind Or weather.

The preposition stands before
A Noun, as In or Through a door.

The Interjection shows surprise,
As Oh! how pretty! Ah! how wise!

The Whole are called Nine Parts of Speech,
Which reading, writing, speaking teach.

-Anonymous-

Jealousy

Jealousy.
That familiar green eyed monster.
It seems to creep up unseen, unheard... yet it makes its presence felt each time unfailingly....

困难

虽然功课真的让我觉得很辛苦,很困难,但还是要"加油加油加油"!

开心的事情

哈哈。。。上一次说，要开始写一些比较开心的东西。。。

我发现，其实要开心，也不是一件很难的事情。只是我们对开心有什么定义而已。我呢，好像好多东西都很容易让我开心。就好像，嗯。。。找到一首我很想要听的歌，突然脸上也会有笑容。。。 =)

看到好久没见到的朋友，也是会令我很开心的事。那天，有一位从来不打电话给我的，在一天内，打了两次给我。那天，我真的真的好高心哦。。。=)

还有，看到自己喜欢的东西，也会觉得开心。例如，很可爱的小熊娃娃，还有。。。巧克力，也当然不能少的冰淇淋！哈哈。。。

感觉肚子饿了。。。下次再写吧。。。

悲伤 VS 快乐

已经有好多人问我，为何我写的东西，好像都只有悲伤的感觉。嗯。。。这应该怎么说呢？我只能回答说，因为当心情不好的时候，或是感到悲伤的期间，才会写出来咯。。。可是当快乐的时候，没什么感觉要写啦。。。

我在想，是否是我自己想太多太多不开心的事情呢？若是这样的话，那我是否应该努力的让自己更快乐？但其实，我每天都过的快乐啊。。。只是没写出来而已。。。

我从来都没想过，原来我写的东西都会让人担心我。。。

我看，应该是时候写下我开心，快乐的事情了！

冷

我好冷。。。手都快不能动了。。。回家。。。

在我身边

我的头感觉好重，好痛苦。。。很想真个人都变成软软的。为什么会有力量来写这些，应该是因为我好希望有人知道我有多难过。。。

刚刚，我想到一个人。我在想，如果他在我这里，照顾我，那会有这么样的感觉呢？奇怪的是，他不应该是我第一个想到的人。是我最近，跟他在一起太多了吗？不知道，也不是很在乎。不想想那么多。。。

现在，如果有人在我身边，就好了。。。 若可以的话，除了照顾我，也赶快地把我的痛苦都带走。。。

Dessert!

Recently I found that people around us can be quite creative when they are given the chance to show it... Hahaha... yesterday when I went to Serdang, I found that they (the brothers and sisters) actually were taking part in a Dessert Competition. I found it quite comical really, the idea.

Anyway, I waited to see the show while I helped Sister House 4 decorate their "Ark", the one Noah built to save his family and everything else. And wow! these people were really quite creative in relating some spiritual meaning to the desserts they made.

Well, let's display the names that were there first - we had "Manna and Living Water", then "God is Love", "God's Expression", "Oneness", "Fountain of Life", "Living Bread from Heaven", "All-Inclusive Christ", "The Ark", "God's Salvation" and last but not least, "Little Water Lily".

Haha....if that wasn't impressive enough, wait till you hear how they presented the meanings behind everything. The first one, "Manna and Living Water" was glutinous balls 'tang yuan' in sweet syrup. Then "God is Love" was actually jelly, but they decorated it with one big heart shape on the outside, and then one small one within it, signifying God's love in comparison to our natural human love.

"God's Expression" was actually spring rolls 'popiah', though how were they related to God's expression that I do not know, or should I say "see". =P But the presenter certainly did try a good job explaining almost every item on the plate, including the sauce for the popiah.

"Living Bread from Heaven" is really bread, spread with kaya and fried with egg. "The Ark"was actually a dish I'd never seen before, probably a specialty from East Malaysia. It was made of crackers, layered with pork and luncheon meat, and steamed; 3 layers in total. Then there were slices of peach for the "waves", and some green vege cut to the shape of 8 human figures. =)

"God's Salvation" was the simplest dish, white, round jelly. The explanation was that God's salvation requires us only to accept Him simply, and the roundness typified the completeness and perfection of God.

All in all, it was a really fun Inter-Varsity Night. I'm sure everyone enjoyed themselves very much! Haha... oh, I haven't wrote who was the winner yet right? Well, the 3rd place was "God's Expression", then the 2nd was "God is Love", and the winner - *deng deng deng deng* "The Ark"!

Haha.... I had somehow unknowingly become part of the winning group.... =P Anyway, it was certainly a nice experience. I'm very glad that I bravely went (I say this because of the haze)!

I Didn't

After the poem below, I wrote this one:

I Didn't

I didn't think, that I would fall
Didn't think, I'd be trapped
Didn't think, it went so deep
Didn't think, I would be stuck

I didn't mean, to fall so hard
Didn't mean, to fall at all
Didn't mean, to feel like this
Didn't mean, to dream even more

I didn't know, I was in danger
Didn't know, history would repeat itself
Didn't know, it wasn't time
Didn't know, it would hurt once more

I didn't ask, to be this way
Didn't ask, for wounds to be opened
Didn't ask, for words to come
Didn't ask, for them to pierce

I didn't hope, that you'd be sorry
Didn't hope, that you'd turn around
Didn't hope, that I mattered
Didn't hope, that you'd care
Didn't hope, that you'd fall as well

Lastly

I didn't tell, that you would know
Didn't tell, that I couldn't let go
Didn't tell, that I really hurt


Didn't tell, that I needed comfort.

Minute Things That Meant The World

Wrote this before the trip to PD, so it's kinda saddening in a way... =) Anyway, this was what I felt at that time, so...

Just needed you to know
That I

Just needed you to look
At me as I passed you by
Just needed you to smile
As I looked into your face

Just needed you to ask
If I was feeling fine that day
Just needed you to care
If I wasn't

Just needed you
For all these minute things
That meant the world

Then at last
If I could

Just need you
To hold
The memory of me within you

hmm-hmm~la-la

hehe... perhaps most people can sense from my title that i'm in a quite happy mood...

Well, i just came back on sunday from the Christian Youth Camp in Port Dickson, with all the youth. It was an extremely enjoyable and fulfilling trip! In fact, after being amidst so many people for those few days, i miss them and the atmosphere so, so much. Being alone in my room and in college when it is the holidays is not exactly welcoming, if u get the idea....

anyway.... i am very happy because... hehe... =P i had a lot of fun in the camp. even coordinating to serve was a very nice experience. my group was in charge of one of the games, separating beans with chopsticks. it was so funny to keep changing ways they picked the beans, and then scare the youth whenever they dropped a bean, or when time was approaching its limit... haha!

another game was, the XY game. actually the motive was to gain the most positive points to win. there were 10 rounds in the game. the game was actually based on trust, that is, each group would have a representative to flash either "x" or "y". if everyone flashed "x", each would gain 100 points. if anyone flashed "y", the "y" person would gain points while the ones who flashed "x" would lose points. but if everyone flashed "y", all would lose points as well. bottom line is, you had a better chance to win if you flashed "y".

after 2-3 rounds, it became clear that we weren't really going to be able to win. so we changed tactics. instead of winning by gaining positive points, we were going to win by negative points. hehe.... hence, after that, every round our group rep flashed "x", and our points became further and further negative. someway in the middle, we thought that we should support our rep, so we started cheering and clapping every time we lost points. it was hilarious because everyone couldn't understand why all of us were laughing like mad while we were actually "losing".

we did lose, in the end, our points being an astounding -2700. =D then even more surprisingly, the serving one actually praised us, commended our group that we actually did not complain even though we lost. he said how we actually had more trust and love, by sacrificing to allow other groups to win. then one of the youth in a winning group said, "haiyo...see! let them get the glory already!" hehehe..... it was even more funny because we never thought of it in that way at all.... =P

hmm.... hope there'll be a trip again soon.... i would love to have so much fun and enjoyment again!

me wonder

me feeling hungry.... me a bit crazy at the moment. me looking at a lot of constantly updated blogs by all the people around me. me wondering how to finish my work by tomorrow. me wondering.... if i should go eat now. me wondering if... i'm getting sick? me wondering.... what am i doing here? me think.... me think me should go now...

lost in the world

hmm... probably the lack of knowledge of any constant readers has made me lazing at my own patience without thought of updating this blog... many a times i have tried to update this... but seems to have lack of inspiration... i changed the template, but it doesn't seem to have worked... hmm...

Her Heart

I wrote this in class one day.... Not exactly sure if this can be counted as a poem... =P Anyway, to those who are reading this, feel free to leave your comments!

Her Heart

A few words
A few thoughts
A few smiles
Strung together

Works well
Fine enough

To touch
To squeeze
To hold

Her heart

Warmness
Tenderness
Happiness
Finds their way
Spreads through

Her heart.

Differing Emotions

You feel all tingly and warm inside. Like... a really quite pleasant thing, and then an image crosses the path of your mind and a smile winds up your face. You think how nice it is to be with that person, and how you hope to see that person again. And then you realize you were thinking about one of your close friends.

What happens next? You get jolted out of your "trance", and then wonder how on the earth could you have been thinking such thoughts. Isn't that person a close friend? Then why did you think about that person in such a way? But.... you don't get the same kind of heartbeat-increasing, knees-shaking or nervous feeling that you always get (or at least hear about) when you are supposedly thinking about someone you like, someone beyond friends.

Instead, all you have is a very comfortable feeling, just nice....fuzzy....warm...cozy feeling. No, it can't be, you tell yourself. He/She's just a friend. Besides, I can't possibly like him/her. He/She's just....just...so not my type. Unfortunately, you fail to be even remotely convincing. To yourself.

I do not know if this scenario is familiar, or if anyone has eperienced it before. But my point is, sometimes, on what do we base the feeling that tells us we like someone? Maybe we think it should be like a very strong emotion, blasting you off your feet. Perhaps, for some. But can it also be a very slow...very smooth and pleasant feeling? A feeling that develops over time, and finally catches you unawares?

Or....perhaps, you are merely thinking too much and has allowed your ever-resourceful wandering mind to expand all the possibilities, picking up tiny, little signs or actions like hints? Perhaps what you felt was merely a warm affection for that friend of yours.

Lessons in our life as we grow, also includes being able to differ emotions. Perhaps, as we grow older, wiser, the answers to the above questions can be answered. Have you begun to ask yet?

That Empty Tower

I wrote this one day when I was feeling really down, desolate, and really quite nothing. That feeling was so overwhelming that I felt out of control. So, I poured it all out. Perhaps it describes what I felt, perhaps it doesn't. Anyway, I don't really understand the complete meaning of what I wrote when I re-read it. Maybe anyone can enlighten me?

That Empty Tower

Within the deep, dark places
A slow, creepy thing arises
Slow as it seems
It rises, eats
Grows without confines.

A creature unseen,
Always it has been
If left to stay
A high price later to pay.

As it grows, it is like a tower
With dormant power
When more and more
Gets into this core,
Deeper and deeper it bores.

These that go in,
Are like prints made on sand
With just a little wind
They leave, baring the land
Seemingly many
Yet really empty.

Initially thought to fulfil
That deep, deep space
It gives no thrill
Finally to know
It sets even further a pace.

A tall tower it may be
Seemingly strong
When real to see
Echo of emptiness all along.

An empty tower
With nothing to flower
Why not allow a sower

His love here to shower?

Chocolate Cake

See my title? Perhaps you're wondering what I'm going to write about. Maybe you say, "Hmm... this girl never puts title that directly relate to what she writes...." So what would "Chocolate Cake" be about? Well, you can stop wondering now because I'm going to reveal it to you right now - tada! I'm going to write about..... a chocolate cake! Isn't that surprising?

Hehe.....please bear with me even if you're thinking I'm talking absolute crap....

Anyway, back to my cake. On Saturday, I sort of baked a chocolate cake. Well, not one, but two actually. Because that was how many the batter could make. And I didn't exactly make the batter myself either. Just in case some of you who are going "wow" at my culinary skills. I used that thing out of a box you get in the supermarket, the kind with a nice picture of a deliciously tempting cake on the outside, the kind that you can choose which picture looks most delicious to you. In this case, I picked the picture of one with the most moist looking fudge on top, called "Devil's Food". This tells you that you can actually pick up knowledge from even a box of cake mixture - devils actually eat chocolate cake. And what were we imagining he ate all this time??

So, I poured out the cake mixture into a large bowl. Then I added in the ingredients you had to put, like 3 eggs (I only had 2, but it doesn't matter much, I think), then a half cup of oil, 1 and a quarter cup of water, which I substituted the quarter for milk, because it would be more moist that way. I learnt that from somewhere else, I can't remember.

Then, I'm supposed to beat it with a mixer. My mom is surprised that I found a hand mixer, she forgot she won one I don't know which year ago. Anyway, I use the brand new mixer, with a feeling of excitement. I switch on the speed button, the 1st degree. Maybe now you're expecting me to describe a disaster that you think happens next. Well, actually, ...... I wouldn't call it disaster, just that when the mixer started whirring, I noticed that bits of the batter actually flew out of the bowl and stuck to the stuff around, like the rice cooker, and the water flask.

I stopped the machine, then look desperately around, thinking what can I do now. I don't want my first experience of baking a cake to be leaving a trail of mess in the kitchen. I get my sister to hold the mixer for me over the bowl, then I get some newspapers and spread it on the floor, after which I place the bowl in the floor, with enough distance all around. There, problem solved! I couldn't help feeling the tiniest bit pleased.

Anyway, after that I was supposed to beat it at low speed for 2 minutes, then high for 2 minutes. I used the 1st speed, the slowest, for a few minutes. But I didn't exactly dare to put it on higher speed, because I'm sure if I did, the bits of batter would really fly way, way out of my control. So, I beat it longer than the whole 4 minutes. I'm sure the result would be the same, right?

My mom pours the batter for me into two tins. I watch in fascination as the cake finally bakes, watch as it rises, and rises, and now it looks like a mound. Then it starts having some cracks, and cracks. All the time, you can smell the wonderful smell of chocolate cake coming from the oven. So, in the end, I had 2 nice, warm, moist chocolate cakes. Which tasted even better after we put it into the fridge.

Like my chocolate cake story? Maybe you should try making one. It's good experience. Next time, I think I'll start from scratch, the kind where I have to measure the flour, cocoa powder, sugar and everything else. haha..... I wonder how would that cake be like....

2nd

Hehe.... I know I haven't been blogging for some time. Anyway, what matters is I'm back! I'm now in my 2nd year of my Architecture course, the first semi-semester. What's cool about this is, since the semi-sem only lasts 7 weeks excluding holidays and exams, there's not much time to study a lot, so I only have 3 subjects, and only 3 days of classes a week! Muahahaha...

I cut my hair recently, last Saturday. So now it's short, just touching my shoulders. And it's not just straight and boring (if i say so) like last time, but it's kinda curlish, framing my face, and round. Which results in a very young, fresh and cute look. And I did not say this myself - I summarized all the comments my family, friends and lecturers made to me. Haha...

I'm hoping for a lot of 2nds, or should I say, new, or renewed efforts this year. Like the 2nd year for me to become more hardworking, 2nd time for me to make my room cleaner, 2nd semester for me to get better results, 2nd effort to make myself taller (if this is possible), and 2nd chance with that somebody.

Anyway, though this is really late - Best wishes for everyone in this new and fresh beginning, hope that we can make better ourselves together!