Gain and Loss

I think I understand now. Why people say that the longer you stay out of school, the more likely it will be hard for you to go back. 

I can say, from my experience right now, that if I had chosen this route right after finishing high school, or even after my Diploma, I would have found everything easier. I would be in the right set of mind, in the habit and routine of being a student, and have the background knowledge more easily retrievable.

But what I'm feeling more keenly right now, is how much your priorities and values change after you come out of school and how that change affects you when you jump back and seemingly get into a phase you were in before. For me, furthering my education has always been my dream. And believe it or not, I love studying. I thirst for new knowledge. Which is why I hung on to making studies my main priority after so many years of not studying. And I believed that my strive for studying would never diminish.

It feels a bit surreal now that I'm doing what I have longed for. Now that I'm actually away in another country, away from familiar surroundings, friends I care for and my beloved family. Doing what I am now makes me happy because it is what I wanted. At the same time, I can't help feeling selfish, at the expense of the people I love and care about. I no longer have the time I would want to talk to them and be concerned for their daily happenings. I sympathise and wish to listen, but I have a billion other things to do and think about. Things that concern me, and the education that I wished for myself. It feels like I am failing to be there for them in times when they are down, cry, see them grow and change.

I always knew it wasn't going to be easy, going back into school. And now... I can only say, perhaps this was something you were never going to understand unless you went through it yourself.

After all, there is another thing people always say.

In every gain there is a loss.

Coming back

I've not exactly made good on my promise to update my blog more regularly :P

It's just that so many things have been going on that I've not had the energy to do much... I shall perhaps write a brief recap here, that will not do the events any justice but it's just better than nothing... (I'm feeling like I'm sounding like one of my friends but that's another story...).

Hmmm... the biggest thing that happened was of course my theatre performance :D No words can describe what kind of experience this has been. The intense periods brought with them times of utter joy and moments when I was so touched and overcome with emotion that I couldn't help but cry. The content of the play we performed had a hand in this, I think, because it made us, or me at least, confront so many hidden things in me. And now I would like to think that the cast and crew of Living with Lady Macbeth share a very special bond because of all we've been through as a group. I learnt so much from everyone involved and I certainly hope I contributed my share.

Thanks to Annie's camera :)

Another event that I participated in was a trip we organized to Lamma Island together with a lot of the exchange students. It was a very pleasant time being out and about, despite the fact that I kinda got "tricked" into hiking up a "refreshing" trail. Yeah, right. Anyway, I was happy because I got to eat lots of seafood, which I love. Hehehehehe.... 

And just slightly before that, I finally participated in an outing with the Photography Society I joined since last semester. We went to a village which was about to be demolished because the Government was reclaiming it for an MTR project. And because these things never happen without meeting any resistance and unfairness, we walked into a place that looked torn down and ravaged. We were asked to think about what we wanted to capture, and the emotions we felt, if any. It was a new experience because I saw photography for a specific purpose that day.

In between all that, was all the times I gathered with my friends just having some food (sushi or McD mostly) and chatting down at the Learning Commons. Topics were so random they ranged from food allergies to drunken incidents to relationships and friendships and old school stories. Laughed till there were tears in my eyes. Good times. 

Now, I need to settle down, and calm myself. Out of all my subjects, I have probably only been making sense of one or two of them, and skimming the surface of all the others. First exam next Tuesday. OH MYYYY.... Ok, breathe.

I will be back.

Sonnet

We were asked to read some poems for our coming Literature class, and one of them particularly resonated with me...

Sonnet
by Edna St Vincent Millay

Time does not bring relief; you all have lied
Who told me time would ease me of my pain!
I miss him in the weeping of the rain;
I want him at the shrinking of the tide;
The old snows melt from every mountain-side,
And last year's leaves are smoke in every lane;
But last year's bitter loving must remain
Heaped on my heart, and my old thoughts abide.
There are a hundred places where I fear
To go, - so with his memory they brim.
And entering with relief some quiet place
Where never fell his foot or shone his face
I say, "There is no memory of him here!"
And so stand stricken, so remembering him.

Space

I have a group of friends that I usually hang out with, whether it's for going to classes together, having meals before or after class, and doing activities outside campus. Then I found myself doing something - I started avoiding the company of one or two of the people in the group. I didn't feel like talking to the person, tried getting out of situations whereby we would be caught in one place, and just outright uninvited myself when I knew the person would be there. When coincidence happens and we still ended up meeting in our "clique", I avoided conversation, eye contact and kept a distance. The fact that I was conscious of what I was doing all along made me feel like I was mean and treating my friend(s) unfairly.

I'm not sure what prompted me to act that way. And it doesn't go away after a day, or two days even. Sometimes it takes three days, or up to a week. After that, I find myself losing the sense of impatience and annoyance towards the person, turning back to the friendly and "sociable" me.

Might this be because I grew too used to being in my own company? That I can stay in my room all alone for a day without feeling lonely? I can only say, sometimes I just need my space. Some space for me to breathe, take a step back, evaluate and come back.

If any of my friends find this post, I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive, or maybe understand what was it that happened.

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On a separate note, I bought new colour pens today!! I love the colours so much, and am motivated to take down notes and write just because of that :)

Woohoo~!

Restart

I looked at the number of blog posts I wrote in 2010 - 4. Hahahahaha! I cannot believe myself.

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It's ten days into the new year now, a year which I passed peacefully in a place I'm wondrously beginning to be familiar with. My new semester has begun, with seemingly heavier workloads and stricter professors. I feel like I have not even wrapped my head around last semester's stuff yet before this new semester came, bombarding me with tons of new information.

I'm going to work at updating my blog, for the sake of my dear family and friends who are not with me, so they can know what's going on in my life. Not sure what exactly to write now, but felt I need to start posting something first. Hahaha... What shall I talk about? Shall I talk about my studies first?

The subjects I'm taking this semester are:

1. Introduction to Literary Studies I

2. English Grammar 1

3. Sociolinguistics

4. Teaching & Learning

5. Human Intimacy: Friendship, Dating & Marriage

6. Access English (*grrrr*)

I've no idea when the results for the previous semester will be released. I suppose I'll do ok, trying not to raise my hopes high because there was some work I wasn't satisfied with, but also some which I thought was ok. And resolution for this new semester, together with a couple of my classmates, is researching and starting our assignments EARLY so we don't become deadline fighters again like last semester =.=

As for the church life, I really enjoy and appreciate the Christ among the brothers and sisters here. I'm currently attending the Lord's Table on Saturday night with young working saints and campus saints in Shatin. There's also an English home meeting I attend on Wednesdays. The Lord has shown me much grace in preserving me in the Body, where there is mutual love, shepherding and encouragement as we seek to be constituted and built up together. I'm also practicing and learning to serve with the guitar. May the Lord continue to direct my paths in the coming days....

From Shatin, Hong Kong

Checking in from Shatin, Hong Kong so that people back home won't think that I've forgotten them :P

After packing, putting clothes into vacuum bags, taking them out to repack, and doing stuff like this:

Giving teddy a bath before his journey with me. He doesn't look too happy about it...

I am now safely in Hong Kong. And I say safely because... it was quite exciting at the airport yesterday. When I took a boarding pass, I only spared it a glance without taking in any important details. And those who sent me off knows about how we took out own sweet time saying goodbyes. 

Then I finally looked properly at my boarding pass as I walked towards the departure gate. "Boarding gate closes 20 minutes before departure time." My flight was at 4.40 p.m.

It was 4.17 pm.

I brisk walked to the Immigration counter. Thank the Lord that there were no people for Malaysian passports. I heard them announcing "Final call for..." Once I was cleared, I ran down all the way and across the hall to the T9 boarding gate.

Phew! I made it, with a deserved back pain after the running with a heavy laptop bag on my back.

------------------------

After approximately 3 hours and 45 minutes, there I was!

Now, I'm staying at the Hong Kong Bible Research and Education Centre, which is the place for FTTHK, and Shatin district meetings. 

Today, I just remained at this place, and helped around in the cleaning service as there is a week-long perfecting training for 350 saints from China. Taking it free and easy at the moment :)

I'll be going to the Institute tomorrow with two sisters who are also studying there. More updates and photos soon!

6.40 a.m.

My dad is about to wake up.

From that sentence above, you should be able to surmise...

That I have been staying awake, as opposed to waking up uncharacteristically early.

There is no reason that I should be though (staying awake).

And since I'm awake, I should be editing my last freelance workbook. Or washing the bedding that I want to bring over to Hong Kong.

But I am not doing any of that.

In fact, I am not doing particularly anything.

Leaving me with heavy eyes without accomplishing anything. And I have some things to settle later when Mum wakes up. And the workbook to hand in later at night.

And on top of everything, I am very, very, very hungry.

Sleep.

비의 소리

비의 소리.

The sound of the rain.

I think there are many people, who despite disliking being in the rain, actually like the sound of the rain. The tranquility that comes with it. A sound that drowns out other sounds in your head. A sound that makes all thoughts cease to exist. A sound that seems to wash, and bring new life in its wake.

I am one of these people.

I actually like the smell of the rain as well. Though it's debatable if rain actually has smell. It might actually be the smell of the freshly washed grass as rain falls on it. Then it would actually be, the smell of the earth.

Anyway, I have been going to this website this few days, just to listen. 

www.rainymood.com

Now I shall bring this sound in my head and curl up to sleep...

Going

Yes, I finally think I can update now.

Because I'm going.

Where? The question is. Hong Kong. The answer is.

After all the grand thoughts and sad days and waiting and planning and hoping, I have settled to go to Hong Kong. The place I'm going to is called The Hong Kong Institute of Education (香港教育學院). I'm going to do a 4-Year Full-time Bachelor in English (Honours) (English Language) - Primary Programme. I'm writing in simple direct sentences because I'm too lazy to think of composing my words :P Oh, how I wish I were one of those who were naturally amusing! (*forgive the drama)

The next question, I believe is - What? Why? Thought you were doing Architecture? Why do Education in Hong Kong?

Sigh... I suppose an explanation is due. In case anyone else asks in future, I can always direct them to this post, right? So... for reasons why I'm no longer doing Architecture, you can read this post here. After that is done, then you would know that my other interest lay in languages.

I wasn't searching for courses in Education actually. It was after I hit a lot of snags (financial, datelines) with language courses, that I had this question posed to me, "Would you consider doing Education?" I pondered. I thought, if I did languages, the road would either be translating the language, or teaching the language, right? If it was the latter, then a course in Education in a particular language makes sense, doesn't it?

As to why Hong Kong, actually I was just looking for more viable options. Since the US and UK are technically off-limits due to financial restraints, it meant that I had to look for somewhere nearer. I entertained the idea of going to Korea for a while, because I had been learning the language and was interested to continue pursuing it, but even Korea is too expensive without a scholarship. And Singapore is... so near. Hong Kong now, is further without being too far, and has the advantage of being an international hub, which brings to thought that there might be options to learn other languages there. Or, you could google "Why study in Hong Kong?".

Why English then? Because. That is what is offered.

Why would you do EDUCATION/ ENGLISH in HONG KONG? You can do that in Malaysia? Because.

I just don't want to study in Malaysia.

Not because of any bad reasons, really. It's just my personal dream of studying overseas.

So, I think I'm done explaining. All the itsy-bitsy stuff would take too long to write and I don't think anyone's interested anyway (those who are should already know...).

Final word - 18th August 2010 is the date I'm going! :D

In, Out

Last day of the year...

Though it doesn't quite make sense,
the sound of fireworks and the little girl shouting "Happy New Year"
outside my house
puts me in a celebratory mood too...

Goodbye December.

And 2009.

I said I would do this

It is now December.

I am still here.

Running away

Perhaps my running away from this blog is another sign of how far I'm running from reality.

Running away from questions.
Running away from problems.
Running away from unpleasant things.
Running away from disturbing thoughts.
Running away from thinking about my future.
Running away from thinking of my running away.

Yet perhaps this is my reality.




*this is what appears after months of not writing and thinking of something "profound" at 2:15 a.m.

KL Performing Arts Centre, Sentul

I've long wanted to visit this place - KL Performing Arts Centre (KLPac) in Sentul ever since it kept appearing in various architecture magazines. But since Sentul is way out of my usual radar, I've never taken the trouble to go there on purpose. So when Priscilla said she was going to a play there, I decided to buy a ticket and take myself on a trip :)

Unfortunately, I'm no longer a student so I can only buy the ticket at normal price =.=''

The play was inspired by Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream. The story is the same, except with change of characters and performed in traditional Mak Yong style. The actors even all spoke in the Kelantanese dialect (which I'm sure left many people in clouds during the whole play). It was rather hilarious too - cos they made references to the local scene - politics and H1N1 included.

The cast of Mak Yong "Titis Sakti" at the end of the show

And then, I proceeded to my main purpose of coming XD It was wonderful walking around the grounds and seeing the scenes only seen on magazines. There was a big park surrounding KLPac - the Sentul Park. I saw some children playing kites there too. Some were feeding the ducks (at least I think they're ducks) in the pond.

More pictures and fun are in my Facebook account :D

BreakOut performance

More performances from BreakOut, the Korean Extreme Dance Comedy group. There is a short and funny segment performed by them (prisoners and the cop). Then, they show off their dancing skills.





Hope you enjoyed it as much as I did!

Beatbox by BreakOut member

As mentioned earlier, one of the highlights of the Korean Embassy event was the Extreme Dance Comedy "BreakOut" B-boy performance. This is a beatbox performance by one of the members at the beginning. There were no audio on at that time, so whatever you hear was produced by this talented chap.

More videos when I'm done editing...

I just want to study

Maybe I'm not doing all the right things. Maybe I should just get on with my life. Maybe I should just go and work. Maybe I should stop getting so frustrated at my inability to do anything.

I want to go overseas to further my studies. And after much consideration and courage, I have decided that I want to study a foreign language. And unfortunately, I do not have any STPM papers to get into a local university, but a 3-year Diploma in Architecture that is probably not going to buy me any leverage.

I do not have money to go overseas and study. Neither do I have the credits or results to get myself a scholarship. What good are my results now anyway? I have 7A's from SPM 6 (oh my goodness, SIX!) years ago, and the horrid, deluded youth nowadays have 10 and above. And I have a 2.9 CGPA for my Diploma, which falls way short of the 3.50 CGPA requirement of scholarships I have come across. And besides, the Diploma is not for the course I want to study now anyway.

I am a good student. Oh, I'm not so self-important to think that I'm brilliant or the best. But I am a good student. I take notes and do not fall asleep in those classes people often deem too boring to stay awake for. I research and read up on subjects. I ask questions. I complete projects when the other members of the team do not even understand what we are doing. I study for exams. Heck, I love studying! I involve myself in extra-curricular activities and love to take part in event organising. I am reasonably outspoken and communicate well. And I'm supposedly the "genius" because I was 2 years younger than everyone in class (don't worry, I never believed in this for a second).

But all these do not seem to account for anything. They certainly do not show in my results. Or accomplishments. Wait, what accomplishments? Nope, no papers to show for anything. And the 2 years bought earlier have long been used up. Because I have graduated with the Diploma 2 years ago. And I'm at home. Not working in what I studied in and not furthering my studies.

I'm absolutely fine with staying at home. Because you know, I have to clean the house. And wash the clothes. And then give tuition so that I don't waste my time and earn some money. And then pay for the Internet and occassionally give pocket money to my brother.

Many people around me ask me what I am doing. Those who know always offer advice. Maybe you can try that, or take a look at that. Oh, I heard there's a scholarship for that programme in that country. Ok, I know all of them mean well. I thank them that they are so concerned. But when I do check out what they say (I do listen and take a look every time), I always hit a blank wall. It was so hard to check it in the first place because, all these well-meaning people never remember the exact, concrete details (like the website). There is nothing like anything that they mentioned. So where did they get all that from? Oh, I'll ask the person whom I heard from for you, they reply when I ask them again. When? I wonder. Information never comes fast enough. One week, two weeks. And then I never hear about it again.

I'm so sorry if I sound really ungrateful. But being grateful doesn't mean I don't get disheartened. It's just been so many times that I get my hopes raised, and then down it crashes.

I cannot plan for things in advance. Because, I keep telling people, I don't know where I will be or what I will be doing. A trip in December? Uh... you might wanna count me out since I might be in some foreign country, studying. Something happening in August? Er... my term has probably started by then.

Might. Probably. Maybe.

Come August or December, you might still find me sitting here at home ranting away on my blog.

I need something to happen.

I need...

I just want to study.

Korea, Closer Than You Imagine

Heard about this event from Pris, who heard from her friend :) We thought it would be fun to go, and since it's free, why not? A bit of an intro:

The event is organised by the Embassy of the Republic of Korea (ROK). The purpose is to promote bilateral relations between our two countries (Sounds rather... serious and political, eh?) Anyway, the good point is - the people they invited were undergraduates and graduates. Highlights included a dance comedy performance "Breakout" by one of the top B-boy Korean groups (who are also having public performances here), a taekwondo performance and more dances.

So, at 2.30 p.m yesterday, at the Grand Ballroom at Renaissance Hotel, KL, I went in with Pris and her friends - Yin Ling, Ka Ling and Rachel. First time meeting Rachel, who's one of Priscilla's close friends. At first I wasn't sure what to expect - and was wondering if we would hit it off. She's rather hyper, methinks.. Hahahaha XD Anyway, it was quite natural for us.

After some long, required speeches, the emcee announced the most exciting performance of the day - the BreakOut dance comedy. Very entertaining, and very funny. I recorded snippets here and there, so I'll have to edit the video and post it up when I'm done. After the dance, we (the crowd) were left to wander around the many displays the Embassy had put up.

I like the way the glasses and plates were displayed for the crowd to use.

Display of Korean food (but not real wan...)

Ka Ling remarked to me, "Hey, the host is the person from TV wan right? The one who host the Deal or No Deal, Chinese wan?" I was like, "Is it?" and craned my neck to get a look. Oooh ~ it was Owen Yap (葉劍鋒)... Pleasant surprise :D He was actually speaking in English, which I haven't heard before.

And of course, we decided not to be shy and go ask for a photograph. To find that there was already a crowd of people.. er, actually mostly girls (there were 2 guys) all clamouring to take a picture with the tall and good looking TV personality. Hahaha... So we waited for our turn. And here is mine:

I would have preferred the photo to be taken a little lower... but not thick-skinned enough to go ask for a reshoot la...

He actually already put one leg forward to appear shorter ==' And he did that for quite a lot of people who weren't blessed to reach his shoulder :P The people around were kinda laughing when I stood beside him. He crossed his arms, smiled and said "Hey, I can be very funny too..." Very nice of him. And he smiled and said "thanks" to everyone who took a picture with him.

Later when it was time for the lucky draw, he really got into his element. Made a lot of jokes with the audience, and even was rather sharp-tongued with the lucky winners ('cos he made them all say "thank you" in Korean). Supposed it's because we're all younger than him... Haha :P Pris said "So bad! He like lecturer only..."

The ballroom

With Pris (this and the photo below taken from her camera)

Pris and me with Korean F4 (life-sized model laa..)

I'm struck with the desire to buy a plane ticket and fly out to Korea...

Doing this Tag. Just because...

Haih... I don't usually do tags (though I like reading them except those reaaallly long ones where you have to answer 100 questions or something). And I did something like this in Facebook not too long ago, except it was 25 random things. Anyway, since I was tagged by Priscilla, who is one of my closest friends, and this tag is not so hard to do... (besides I'm still procrastinating)...

16 random things

Here's the direction:

Once you've been tagged, you have to write a post with sixteen random things, habits or goals about you. At last, choose five people to be tagged, listing their names and why you chose them.

1. I'm currently listening to DNR's Ice Cream. Nice song. (haha, I have no idea where to start so...)

2. I mostly only listen to ballads though on the occassion, I listen to something upbeat.

3. I just remembered that Priscilla wanted to know more about me, so maybe I have to think harder since she already knows no. 2. Hahaha...

4. I sometimes feel that writing in Mandarin is a more beautiful expression. Which is why I would like to learn more Mandarin to express myself better.

5. I like to learn many many things. For example, the piano, guitar, violin, dance, literature, history, art, French, Spanish, Korean, Japanese... (you get the idea)

6. I like to read things to get information. As such, I'm normally the person to read the information, analyse and dissect it and then summarize it to my friends (in a project) or my mother (when she asks me to do something).

7. I wish I was better in physical things. Because I really like sports like badminton, swimming, basketball, and gymnastics but I don't have the physical ability to be good in them.

8. I admire the fact that my brother and sister has cliques in the school. And that their clique actually do invite them for many things and are really close.

9. The reason I admire them is because I've never really felt like I belonged in or among my friends in school. It was better in college, I guess.

10. I'm wondering if it is because of the age difference or just because I haven't met like-minded people.

11. I always feel that I put myself more into any relationship/ friendship than the people involved. And it is very tiring.

12. As such, I'm teaching myself not to care for so many people not worth caring for. Or maybe just to accept that they will be acquaintances.

13. Besides, I don't need so many close friends, right? In the past few months, I have only been in contact with a few of my friends and have become somewhat like a social recluse. But I think that's fine.

14. I would like to be out of the country in the last quarter of this year, God willing. I really, really wish to continue my studies.

15. I'm often an upside-down person. I am awake in the night thru the wee hours, and sleep when the sun rises. I was normal last week but then I didn't quite know how to function =='

16. Which is probably why I'm awake now and typing this post. And forcing myself to finally continue my overdue workbook when I finish this.

* Not tagging anyone but if you wanna let people read 'bout you, then go ahead and reply :)

Portrait - Poster Colour 03

Teacher gave me another challenge - a Van Gogh self portrait. *Gulp!* Was not too bad. I'm quite satisfied with the results. And this portrait was so fun to do! Hehe... cos teacher wanted me to experiment with different textures and techniques, so every piece so far has been done in a different way. The previous one was supposed to be in the "impasto" technique (if I haven't lost my art techniques knowledge).

This one, she wanted to express the brush strokes - so she had me paint with PVA glue! Hahaha :D Very fun. And all the kids kept asking, "Why are you painting with glue??" I just smiled and had loads of fun... But the brush strokes thing didn't quite turn out right. The only thing the PVA glue did was make my painting shiny. So in the end, we put a layer of PVA on the whole painting, like varnish.

Van Gogh Self Portrait with Dark Felt Hat - reference

My portrait

Talking about brush strokes, I remember an art project my mum let us (me and bro) do last time when we were kids... She used to cook some starch in a bowl, and then let us mix the starch with the colours we wanted, and then paint with our fingers on a drawing paper. Way fun! I think I'll suggest using starch to teacher... the texture definitely stays :D

More art projects in 2 weeks... Hehe (if you haven't noticed, I've so far only managed to complete one portrait after 2 lessons).

John 3:16

Yesterday, I went to a memorial meeting of an elderly sister. As I listened to a message one of the brothers imparted, I was touched particularly by this Bible verse.

John 3:16 is a very popular Bible verse. Sometimes, it is so popular that even non-believers know what it says. And sometimes, we as Christians forget to touch the deep meaning of this verse just because we think we know it so well.

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that every one who believes into Him would not perish, but would have eternal life."

約翰福音 3:16

"神愛世人，甚至將祂的獨生子賜給他們，叫一切信入祂的，不至滅亡，反得永遠的生命。"

The brother spoke in Mandarin (paraphrased):

“若朋友們看這經節，可以看見，並不是我們配得；乃是神那麽的愛我們，所以神將祂的獨生子賜給我們。我們能夠得救，並不是我們行了多少善事，我們多富有，我們多麽有成就。並不是我們配得，乃是神的憐憫和神的愛，使祂將祂的獨生子賜給我們，叫我們能得着永遠的生命。”

"If friends would look at this verse, you can see that it is not that we are worthy; but God so loved us that He gave us His only begotten Son. We can be saved, not because of how many good works we do, nor how wealthy we are, or even how accomplished. It is not that we are worthy, but it is the mercy and love of God, that He gave His only begotten Son to us, that we can receive eternal life."

I am reminded again how much God has had mercy on me, and how much He has loved me. What am I that He should thus love me, and predestinate me to receive Him as the eternal life? I am only a sinner, unworthy and unable to come to God. But by His grace and mercy, I have believed and received Him, and I now have the authority to be a child of God. Praise and thank the Lord!