Gain and Loss

I think I understand now. Why people say that the longer you stay out of school, the more likely it will be hard for you to go back. 

I can say, from my experience right now, that if I had chosen this route right after finishing high school, or even after my Diploma, I would have found everything easier. I would be in the right set of mind, in the habit and routine of being a student, and have the background knowledge more easily retrievable.

But what I'm feeling more keenly right now, is how much your priorities and values change after you come out of school and how that change affects you when you jump back and seemingly get into a phase you were in before. For me, furthering my education has always been my dream. And believe it or not, I love studying. I thirst for new knowledge. Which is why I hung on to making studies my main priority after so many years of not studying. And I believed that my strive for studying would never diminish.

It feels a bit surreal now that I'm doing what I have longed for. Now that I'm actually away in another country, away from familiar surroundings, friends I care for and my beloved family. Doing what I am now makes me happy because it is what I wanted. At the same time, I can't help feeling selfish, at the expense of the people I love and care about. I no longer have the time I would want to talk to them and be concerned for their daily happenings. I sympathise and wish to listen, but I have a billion other things to do and think about. Things that concern me, and the education that I wished for myself. It feels like I am failing to be there for them in times when they are down, cry, see them grow and change.

I always knew it wasn't going to be easy, going back into school. And now... I can only say, perhaps this was something you were never going to understand unless you went through it yourself.

After all, there is another thing people always say.

In every gain there is a loss.

Space

I have a group of friends that I usually hang out with, whether it's for going to classes together, having meals before or after class, and doing activities outside campus. Then I found myself doing something - I started avoiding the company of one or two of the people in the group. I didn't feel like talking to the person, tried getting out of situations whereby we would be caught in one place, and just outright uninvited myself when I knew the person would be there. When coincidence happens and we still ended up meeting in our "clique", I avoided conversation, eye contact and kept a distance. The fact that I was conscious of what I was doing all along made me feel like I was mean and treating my friend(s) unfairly.

I'm not sure what prompted me to act that way. And it doesn't go away after a day, or two days even. Sometimes it takes three days, or up to a week. After that, I find myself losing the sense of impatience and annoyance towards the person, turning back to the friendly and "sociable" me.

Might this be because I grew too used to being in my own company? That I can stay in my room all alone for a day without feeling lonely? I can only say, sometimes I just need my space. Some space for me to breathe, take a step back, evaluate and come back.

If any of my friends find this post, I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive, or maybe understand what was it that happened.

-------------------------------------------

On a separate note, I bought new colour pens today!! I love the colours so much, and am motivated to take down notes and write just because of that :)

Woohoo~!

비의 소리

비의 소리.

The sound of the rain.

I think there are many people, who despite disliking being in the rain, actually like the sound of the rain. The tranquility that comes with it. A sound that drowns out other sounds in your head. A sound that makes all thoughts cease to exist. A sound that seems to wash, and bring new life in its wake.

I am one of these people.

I actually like the smell of the rain as well. Though it's debatable if rain actually has smell. It might actually be the smell of the freshly washed grass as rain falls on it. Then it would actually be, the smell of the earth.

Anyway, I have been going to this website this few days, just to listen. 

www.rainymood.com

Now I shall bring this sound in my head and curl up to sleep...

Running away

Perhaps my running away from this blog is another sign of how far I'm running from reality.

Running away from questions.
Running away from problems.
Running away from unpleasant things.
Running away from disturbing thoughts.
Running away from thinking about my future.
Running away from thinking of my running away.

Yet perhaps this is my reality.




*this is what appears after months of not writing and thinking of something "profound" at 2:15 a.m.

I just want to study

Maybe I'm not doing all the right things. Maybe I should just get on with my life. Maybe I should just go and work. Maybe I should stop getting so frustrated at my inability to do anything.

I want to go overseas to further my studies. And after much consideration and courage, I have decided that I want to study a foreign language. And unfortunately, I do not have any STPM papers to get into a local university, but a 3-year Diploma in Architecture that is probably not going to buy me any leverage.

I do not have money to go overseas and study. Neither do I have the credits or results to get myself a scholarship. What good are my results now anyway? I have 7A's from SPM 6 (oh my goodness, SIX!) years ago, and the horrid, deluded youth nowadays have 10 and above. And I have a 2.9 CGPA for my Diploma, which falls way short of the 3.50 CGPA requirement of scholarships I have come across. And besides, the Diploma is not for the course I want to study now anyway.

I am a good student. Oh, I'm not so self-important to think that I'm brilliant or the best. But I am a good student. I take notes and do not fall asleep in those classes people often deem too boring to stay awake for. I research and read up on subjects. I ask questions. I complete projects when the other members of the team do not even understand what we are doing. I study for exams. Heck, I love studying! I involve myself in extra-curricular activities and love to take part in event organising. I am reasonably outspoken and communicate well. And I'm supposedly the "genius" because I was 2 years younger than everyone in class (don't worry, I never believed in this for a second).

But all these do not seem to account for anything. They certainly do not show in my results. Or accomplishments. Wait, what accomplishments? Nope, no papers to show for anything. And the 2 years bought earlier have long been used up. Because I have graduated with the Diploma 2 years ago. And I'm at home. Not working in what I studied in and not furthering my studies.

I'm absolutely fine with staying at home. Because you know, I have to clean the house. And wash the clothes. And then give tuition so that I don't waste my time and earn some money. And then pay for the Internet and occassionally give pocket money to my brother.

Many people around me ask me what I am doing. Those who know always offer advice. Maybe you can try that, or take a look at that. Oh, I heard there's a scholarship for that programme in that country. Ok, I know all of them mean well. I thank them that they are so concerned. But when I do check out what they say (I do listen and take a look every time), I always hit a blank wall. It was so hard to check it in the first place because, all these well-meaning people never remember the exact, concrete details (like the website). There is nothing like anything that they mentioned. So where did they get all that from? Oh, I'll ask the person whom I heard from for you, they reply when I ask them again. When? I wonder. Information never comes fast enough. One week, two weeks. And then I never hear about it again.

I'm so sorry if I sound really ungrateful. But being grateful doesn't mean I don't get disheartened. It's just been so many times that I get my hopes raised, and then down it crashes.

I cannot plan for things in advance. Because, I keep telling people, I don't know where I will be or what I will be doing. A trip in December? Uh... you might wanna count me out since I might be in some foreign country, studying. Something happening in August? Er... my term has probably started by then.

Might. Probably. Maybe.

Come August or December, you might still find me sitting here at home ranting away on my blog.

I need something to happen.

I need...

I just want to study.

Doing this Tag. Just because...

Haih... I don't usually do tags (though I like reading them except those reaaallly long ones where you have to answer 100 questions or something). And I did something like this in Facebook not too long ago, except it was 25 random things. Anyway, since I was tagged by Priscilla, who is one of my closest friends, and this tag is not so hard to do... (besides I'm still procrastinating)...

16 random things

Here's the direction:

Once you've been tagged, you have to write a post with sixteen random things, habits or goals about you. At last, choose five people to be tagged, listing their names and why you chose them.

1. I'm currently listening to DNR's Ice Cream. Nice song. (haha, I have no idea where to start so...)

2. I mostly only listen to ballads though on the occassion, I listen to something upbeat.

3. I just remembered that Priscilla wanted to know more about me, so maybe I have to think harder since she already knows no. 2. Hahaha...

4. I sometimes feel that writing in Mandarin is a more beautiful expression. Which is why I would like to learn more Mandarin to express myself better.

5. I like to learn many many things. For example, the piano, guitar, violin, dance, literature, history, art, French, Spanish, Korean, Japanese... (you get the idea)

6. I like to read things to get information. As such, I'm normally the person to read the information, analyse and dissect it and then summarize it to my friends (in a project) or my mother (when she asks me to do something).

7. I wish I was better in physical things. Because I really like sports like badminton, swimming, basketball, and gymnastics but I don't have the physical ability to be good in them.

8. I admire the fact that my brother and sister has cliques in the school. And that their clique actually do invite them for many things and are really close.

9. The reason I admire them is because I've never really felt like I belonged in or among my friends in school. It was better in college, I guess.

10. I'm wondering if it is because of the age difference or just because I haven't met like-minded people.

11. I always feel that I put myself more into any relationship/ friendship than the people involved. And it is very tiring.

12. As such, I'm teaching myself not to care for so many people not worth caring for. Or maybe just to accept that they will be acquaintances.

13. Besides, I don't need so many close friends, right? In the past few months, I have only been in contact with a few of my friends and have become somewhat like a social recluse. But I think that's fine.

14. I would like to be out of the country in the last quarter of this year, God willing. I really, really wish to continue my studies.

15. I'm often an upside-down person. I am awake in the night thru the wee hours, and sleep when the sun rises. I was normal last week but then I didn't quite know how to function =='

16. Which is probably why I'm awake now and typing this post. And forcing myself to finally continue my overdue workbook when I finish this.

* Not tagging anyone but if you wanna let people read 'bout you, then go ahead and reply :)

John 3:16

Yesterday, I went to a memorial meeting of an elderly sister. As I listened to a message one of the brothers imparted, I was touched particularly by this Bible verse.

John 3:16 is a very popular Bible verse. Sometimes, it is so popular that even non-believers know what it says. And sometimes, we as Christians forget to touch the deep meaning of this verse just because we think we know it so well.

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that every one who believes into Him would not perish, but would have eternal life."

約翰福音 3:16

"神愛世人，甚至將祂的獨生子賜給他們，叫一切信入祂的，不至滅亡，反得永遠的生命。"

The brother spoke in Mandarin (paraphrased):

“若朋友們看這經節，可以看見，並不是我們配得；乃是神那麽的愛我們，所以神將祂的獨生子賜給我們。我們能夠得救，並不是我們行了多少善事，我們多富有，我們多麽有成就。並不是我們配得，乃是神的憐憫和神的愛，使祂將祂的獨生子賜給我們，叫我們能得着永遠的生命。”

"If friends would look at this verse, you can see that it is not that we are worthy; but God so loved us that He gave us His only begotten Son. We can be saved, not because of how many good works we do, nor how wealthy we are, or even how accomplished. It is not that we are worthy, but it is the mercy and love of God, that He gave His only begotten Son to us, that we can receive eternal life."

I am reminded again how much God has had mercy on me, and how much He has loved me. What am I that He should thus love me, and predestinate me to receive Him as the eternal life? I am only a sinner, unworthy and unable to come to God. But by His grace and mercy, I have believed and received Him, and I now have the authority to be a child of God. Praise and thank the Lord!

Why I read 橘子

I'm currently in the midst of reading 橘子(Orange)'s 不爱，也是一种爱。（Choosing not to love is my way of loving you.)

I have 3 of her books and have finished one so far. Truth be told, I don't think much of her stories. Unless one likes to read a lot of sentences expressing every detail in the story. There is a story, but nothing much happens in the book. I would say that she is an author proficient for writing emotions and those many passing thoughts one often has in the head.

Then you might ask, why do I have 3 of her books? Reason one being: her books have nice covers, which is explained here. Reason two: I am always attracted by the short phrases on the cover and in her book.

Like this book, 不爱，也是一种爱。 On the cover is this:

愛人不難，
Loving someone is not hard,
難的是不愛
The hard part is not loving.

不愛，也是一種愛
Not to love, is also a kind of love
所以，我才會感慨
Which is why I lament
我們，只能不愛以愛
That we, can only love by not loving
儘管，愛情，給我們一次機會。
Even though, love gave us a chance.

(English translation is done by me.)

Ah~ The words resonate with me. When I still wonder where the story is going, the short words before each chapter become my highlights:

開場白
相。遇
有些人相遇得太早，有些人相遇得太晚
而，有些人，則是一輩子都不應該相遇

第一章
失。眠
躺久了總是會睡着的
而人
愛久了，卻不一定就是你的

第二章
傷。害
越是懂愛的人，往往越是容易讓對方受傷害
就像是
她總是知道該怎麽精凖的說出我不想聼的話

第三章
孤。獨
我們都是孤獨的存在
而，不同的是
妳，孤獨的這樣自在

第四章
變
人，總是會變的
關係也是
愛，尤其

第五章
遺。憾
我們的遺憾來自於相愛時間的錯過
而，最遺憾的是
我們，連錯過也錯過

第六章
心。開
“怎麽樣才能把心打開來？”
[或許先試著別去想心關著的這件事情。]
我回答。卻，說不出口，我心關著的是，是妳。

第七章
殘。忍
愛情裡最殘忍的
或許不是遺忘
卻是否認

第八章
不。愛
不愛，也是一種愛
所以，我才會感慨
我們，只能不愛以愛

最終章
最。後
結果，到了最後
我思念妳的濃度
還是和最初相同


I would attempt to translate, except I have no wish to interfere with the Mandarin words.
I wonder, what does it say when I read a book for all these instead of the story. Hah. Maybe I'm just thinking about something that does not require thinking. Anyway, I think these short phrases are rather beautiful, and are the sort that I would like to write.

先試著別去想心關著的這件事情。
卻，說不出口，我心關著的事，是你。

I have a mental block

I had an interview this morning. And I'm probably going to thank this architect very much later in my life (if I manage to work out his advice) because he took so much time with me, and instead of a proper interview, it turned out to be a career counseling session. And I think I needed this very much too.

I don't know if I looked like I had a lot of problems, or if I looked like sometimes I feel like crap, but anyhow, Ar Don realized I wasn't whole-heartedly applying for the job. (Yes, if you didn't guess, I'm going to work for the sake of working because I don't want to waste away at home). So instead of talking about the job, we actually talked about why I wasn't doing my degree, and why did I really want a degree in Architecture.

It started with this question, "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" I replied that I'd probably be doing my degree. Then he asked what was it that stopped me from continuing my degree. I said "money".

Him: Scholarship?
Me: I don't have the results to apply for it. (and I said a lot more in elaboration...)

He proceeds to draw a diagram:

Him: So, the way I see it, it doesn't seem like a possibility you can get your degree in the near/foreseeable future.

Me: Hmm...

Him: This degree, is it necessary to be in Architecture, or your aim is to get a degree?
Me: (after some thought) No, not really.
Him: So, your ultimate aim is to get a degree. It doesn't matter what the degree is in, correct?

I nod. It seems he's reached a conclusion about this strange little person sitting in him.

Then, we continue to talk about what would I do if I didn't do Architecture. He asks me what was my other interest - languages. I don't know how but it came to me telling him this -

I don't really know how long I can stay in Architecture. I don't have big dreams of opening my own architect firm or becoming a renowned famous architect. In fact, the reason I was compelled to study Architecture in the first place was this - I dreamed of building my own house. To be honest I probably started the course without really knowing what it was all about. But in the following years of study, I discovered that perhaps this was not something I can do for, I wouldn't say the rest of my life, but for a very long time in my life, at least. Three years including six months of practical training made me consider, if I had the resilience to continue on this long road to becoming an architect.

So, he said something to this effect, "There are three different types of people who study this course. The first, those who really have the passion for this, even if they struggle, no money, die die also must take this course. Then, there's the next group who just took the course and they're not the top scorers but they stick around and eventually become valuable with experience. Then, there's the group who take this course just because they cannot study something else."

I consider then... I have seen people with passion for Architecture, and I must say I'm not one of them; as such, I admire them so. He continues, "You might have had an inkling for Architecture. We have inklings for many things, you know. But maybe you lack the passion that will help you through."

"If so, why do you insist on doing Architecture? The way I see it, it seems you have some sort of a mental block. Architecture is so expensive and so time-consuming. Since you say you might not stay long enough to reap the labor of this, why do you keep banging your head on the wall?"

I say, "Maybe I'm just looking for closure... I think it would be something I'd look like and wonder on if I had finished it."

He replies, "Closure can also come with the decision not to do anything, anymore. You know, you can say, I've done it, it's not my cup of tea. I'm done," his two hands lying flat in gesture.

I didn't have much to say after that. We went through a little formality and talked about the job. Then, I left, with my thoughts in a mass of confusion. I felt like screaming and running away. As I have been doing ever since I graduated.

It's not something that I did not know about. The issues, the questions, they have bugged me for quite a long time, probably everything I hit a low in my studies. I have never questioned myself or felt so emotionally tired (in college) before.

That's it then. That's the long story that might come as a little of a shock to all my friends in college.

*Sorry that I'm so long-winded. Thanks for reading all the way to the end =)

Sometimes I feel like crap

I have not blogged for a long time. Sometimes, I feel like I found something to blog about. Then, the thought of getting to the computer (well, inspiration just has to strike when I'm AWAY from the computer, doesn't it?) switching on the computer, dialing a slow connection to the Internet, and then waiting patiently for the Blogger Dashboard to load, then waiting again for the page to post to load.... well, you can pretty tell what I'm getting at? You'd be pretty discouraged by then.

Then again, maybe it's just me.

What can I say? I'm a pro procrastinator. Especially now with nothing to occupy my time. As my mind searches for what it could be put to use to, I find something - my portfolio. Argh... this crosses my mind with dread. It is not something I want to face. Everyone thinks I can do a very good portfolio since I have so much time. Everyone does not seem to think that this much time can also mean the much time spent not doing the portfolio.

Due to the lack of a portfolio, I have not applied for any university for my degree. The education office has stopped calling. I think they have given up on me already. I... how do I really feel? In me, there is a yearning that I can go and fly off to a university where I would be pursuing something and filling my days in a more useful manner than now. Then I am brought back to the many problems that cause me to be held back here. Sigh... excuses, really. On introspection, I never really did enough to solve them. Maybe you have lost me somewhere in the middle of the paragraph. Doesn't matter... I have lost the desire to express myself in this matter.

Oh, and one of my friends who actually graduated this year (I stopped going to college sometime in the first half of last year) is going to Liverpool for his degree this September. We actually talked about going to uni together ages ago. And what am I doing now? Ah... I will miss him.

I'm not in a job as well. Well, I actually have done a couple of temporary jobs in the last month. Ever since stopping at Mid Valley, I have set up a craft stall at the Real Kids Olympiad at Bukit Jalil, continued my workbook editing, and set up a sand art booth at a promotion area at Leisure Mall. It is almost a week since the last one ended. And maybe tomorrow I'm setting up the sand art thing again. Ok... I don't know what's the point of this.

I think what I'm trying to say is... My life seems to be wasting away at the moment. Wasting away being at home, sleeping at all the wrong hours, eating one meal a day, watching all the DVDs at home, reading and re-reading storybooks, finding games to play on the computer and being unproductive.

Seriously. I feel like crap.

I feel a funny emptiness in myself. Where and why - or who it's for, I'm still trying to tell. It might be just a bad mix of hormones. But it's just dragging me really low, into a deep, black hole.

Or maybe I just felt a yearning to write - to draw - or maybe just to do something with my hands that have lain idle for some time.

What else is there for me to grasp and what else is there for me to give up? My current job, my studies, my coming convocation, my further studies... My brother is going off to Kuching. I feel a ridiculous urge to cry. Unwittingly, tears come unbidden. They almost scared me, as I felt this familiar warmth in my eyes.

兩首歌的副歌。。。 “會呼吸的痛” - 梁靜茹 及 “转身的时候” - 賴雅妍

想念是會呼吸的痛，
它活在我身上所有角落，
哼你愛的歌會痛，
看你的信會痛，
連沉默也痛。
遺憾是會呼吸的痛，
它留在血液中來回滾動，
後悔不貼心會痛，
很不懂你會痛，
想見不能見最痛。

每次当你转身的时候
我的泪在流
却只告诉自己让你
看到我笑容
每次当你转身的时候
我的心在痛
只能默默看着你
就消失在我眼中。

when I just feel like writing

Sitting in college library. Haven't been here in a long time. Was looking for my old assignments to compile my portfolio. Tomorrow there's a representative from Birmingham City University conducting an interview at the education services office. Not sure if I can really present anything decent.

Looked through the boards in the racks. Found about 6 of my boards. Found a lot more belonging to the rest of my comrades in former IAAR04A. Somewhat nostalgic when looking through all this. Was reminded of simpler times with all my friends, all pursuing a similar goal - finishing assignments and getting through the semester, especially assessment.

Those times were somewhat crazy. I can remember the many occasions where I felt like I couldn't breathe, couldn't function, couldn't think. Yet now I wish I had some times like this. When the tiredness came from doing something productive, instead of coming from staring at the TV or the computer screen.

Looking for a job. Don't know what exactly should I do. Feels like I can do any job actually. People around me tell me I should not be anxious. Even my brother got a job already... Sigh...

我情愿

Today I heard this from a TV show I was watching. So romantic, and so perfectly said too.

"我情愿因为爱你而心碎，也不愿跟你檫肩而过"

2. A sad thing in life is when you meet someone who means a lot to you, only to find out in the end that it was never meant to be and you just have to let go.

3. The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you’ve ever had.

5. It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone-but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.

6. Don’t go for looks; they can deceive. Don’t go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright.

~ from "11 Lessons in Life"

唉

快忘了，
快放了，
快惯了，


你出现了。


该怎么办呢？

是傻瓜吧

傻傻的，
好期待
傻傻的，
发祝贺。

傻傻的，
在等待
傻傻的，
便心烦。

傻傻的，
收回应
傻傻的，
心欢欣。

I am small, perhaps insignificant. But I am strong, and free.

Quandary, quandary.

I am in a quandary. For those who don't know what this word is, look here.

The quandary in question is - architectural job or not? Professional or not? Study-related or interest? Sigh....

I have received 2 calls for second interviews. The first architectural company has contacted me and asked me to go again soon, which I am fulfilling by going there later today. The second company is the one I went for an interview yesterday, the Spa Lover. Haven't set a date yet.

Most of the people who hear about my situation would ask me to go for the architecture job. Why would anyone drop a professional job for something totally unrelated? I think that was the question in everyone's mind. And doing something related would give me the portfolio when I continue my studies in future. My dad asked, "Are you gonna split yourself into a few persons? Going for so many jobs..." Haha XD But I do like both lines of job, because both are such a big challenge and would totally stimulate my mind.

Finally, one piece of advice I felt was most useful: Since you're planning to save up for your education, just take the job that offers you a higher salary. Haha. Perfect really.

梦。醒

梦里好美，快乐。
醒来不该，难过。
梦里真实，幸福。
醒来幻想，可怜。
梦里拥有，亲近。
醒来不可能，遥远。
梦里相爱，希望。
醒来错觉，无奈。
梦里欢笑，未来。
醒来流泪，

停止。