即使，只在梦里

今天在梦里，

你应许了我遇见你

好久不见的你

我好想念的你。

依然这么熟悉，

给了我轻微的笑容

令我心欢腾的笑容

同时有点心酸的笑容。

然后依然那么潇洒

转身，

离开。

许许多多的人群中

从你身上目不转移的我

只看见你，只记得你的我

似乎说出

我是多么的想抓住你，

即使只在梦里。

今天，你生日到了。

其實，我並沒有忘記。

只是，我想。。。也許不讓你想起我比較好。

所以，我沒對你說，

生日快樂。

这到底算什么

之前，我刚觉得自己很棒，因为对他似乎没什么感觉了。好像他的离去已经使他从我的心理也离去了。已经没有痛，没有思念，不会想哭。

但，我现今哭了。因为心依依不舍，哭了。觉得自己这样很傻，哭了。想起以后可能不会再有联络，哭了。讨厌自己又哭了，再哭。。。

这到底是什么？他到底算什么？为什么总是让我的心不受控制？这是什么心情啊？我不是好了吗？不是没事了吗？为什么会这样？从心里压着的泪好像全都要一次过出来。。为什么还有那么多泪啊？难道我是傻瓜吗？我是白痴吗？

觉得自己很可笑。。。不喜欢这样的我。

唉

快忘了，
快放了，
快惯了，


你出现了。


该怎么办呢？

Just Let Me Love You

by Joanne Avanzado

Of all the people in this world, Why is it you that I fell for There could be someone better than you Someone that I can depend on If only I can teach my heart I’ll say I should forget you But even if I tried to My heart still beats for you I know it is wrong And I must learn to be strong Coz your heart is not free It’s with someone all along Let me love you silently Let me hold you in my dreams Just let me feel the way I do To love me back, you don’t have to…

~found from LovePoetry

你，和别人

终于明白
为何你是那么肯定未来
在我还傻傻的，
在我还盼望着，
原来你的未来，
早已在你心中
而我
是多么的希望，
你未来的那份幸福
可以是我给你的。

只能一直对自己说，
从此，你再也不在我的未来里，
在还没拥有，就已失去你
希望说多以后
自己会相信自己所说的
渐渐的接受是事实。

There was Her

The final attack. The most lethal yet.
And I was ambushed too.

The day I could no longer pretend
I never hoped for more.
The day all the signs I chose to ignore
Came to be true, and more.

The day I had a description,
Then a face
Then a name
Then a person
The day I knew there was her.

Can my ability to love like I loved you be taken away, only returning when the time is right?

契约

Actually I wrote this in February last year. I never quite got around to "implementing" it. Haha... Anyway, it kind of fits with what I should do now... So, I need to write this promise to myself. This shall be an agreement, 我的契约。

想好了。

不想再让你怀疑
不想再听你说害怕我
不想再听你说没希望，
不想你远离我。

因为你说在保护我，
所以先说拒绝我。
不想因此而伤心，
不想因此而流泪。

似乎，
唯有我放弃你
才能这样。
但是，
我很抱歉
我知道我不可能做到
也许因为我不想做到。

所以，
从今起，
我会收起
对你所有的感觉，

所有的事情，
所有的思念，
所有的关心，
所有的快乐，
所有的悲伤，
所有的爱。

我并不坚强，
所以我没有把握
也没有信心
能够办到以上的一切。

我只能进我所能，
在家人，朋友面前，
不再提到你，
不再谈到你。

请你给我一点的时间，
把我在你身上的感情
慢慢的收回
但请你不用再警告我
让我自己决定停止
让我自然的了结。

在这清晨
在哭泣
在不舍中
把你藏在
心理的隐秘处。

Twice burned

Somehow, I need to write about this. After all, it IS the thing I most dreaded happening.

A repeat of being broken, numb, and cold.

I started to pray when I saw a new e-mail. Praying it wouldn’t be you.
Then I saw it was indeed you; the first line told me what I dreaded was true.

Reluctantly, I clicked to read what was sure to be another death sentence.

“Impossible”, “nothing else” and “never will change” jumped out at me.
The notion of a time longer than forever.
I started to tremble and sunk in my seat.
At the same time, something warm rose in my eyes and fell.
My vision blurred, my body trembled and chilled.

I didn’t absorb everything. Maybe my mind had tried to close off what it knew would stab at my heart. But I couldn’t bring myself to look once more, to comprehend all. What I knew already brought enough pain.

Why did this attack come again? When I received the first, I hoped it would be the last.

I couldn’t face the computer anymore. I walked away, to curl myself up and let it out. Finally, I went to my bed, and covered myself in a blanket, and sat with my head against the wall. Tears flowed for a while, then dried, then flowed some more.

Cold, broken, numb.

只是一个告别

今天，我对你又有了新的感觉。
发现，虽然和你在一起的时候，不是什么兴奋的事，但还算是幸福吧。
就算没和你说活，但看到你，已经是一种满足。

当一离开你的身边，
我的身体突然好冷，是从内里发出的冷。
心，不安，不舍。
后悔离开，不想让你走开，走远。

理智控制情感，
让自己不回头，
向前走。
每一步好重，好难走。

终于可以回头那时候，
你已经慢慢离开我了。
我们的今天结束了。

只留我一个人。
不知道如何面对失去的人。
第一次变成这样，
心里好像不见了什么。
有一个洞，
忽然开了。

心情很沉重，
心思很混乱，
想流泪解决，
但泪水啊。。。
好像躲起来了。

只是那么简单的告别，
却能让我变成这样。
完蛋了。。。
我完蛋了。。。

To have no hope

今天
你说
若现在没希望
也代表未来是一样
没希望

我的心
似乎停了一下
我寻问
若是未来的事，
你为什么那么肯定
会发生的
或你自己

你又说，
自己应该改变不多
所以已经蛮清楚了

你再次的在暗示我
再次的在警告我
再次的提醒我
再次的保护我？

很想从心里
大大声地喊
不愿意，不甘心

我想相信未来
相信那未能知的未来
你却不想让我有那个权利
为何你不能一样的
把未来
交给未来

我已经放松了，不是吗？
我已经想好了，不是吗？
说了是朋友，还不行吗？

我知道你是为我好
但我真得无法
因你这样
而不再次的悲伤

外面
在下雨
好大，好大的雨

朋友，是好的

常希望超越朋友
常想象，我们，会怎样
但其实不妨退一步，看清楚
是否自己真的要这些
或应该说，需要吗？

既然知道
现在不是时候
那就不需要寻找
不需要追求
毕竟
它，还不是
任何人预备好接受的。

我听了一句很有智慧的话，
“Be what you are until you are different”
还没超越朋友，
那我们
最好的，
就是当朋友。

Answers, some

On the spur of the moment
When empathy for me was with you
I picked up the courage
To ask the reason as to why
You had to send me that e-mail
The one that grounded me
And cause me to cease my fancies

The reason simple, you said
You’d become afraid that I cared
For you more than I should

So another question comes to me
“You’re no longer afraid now?”
You, after some hesitation
Reply that you do not know

My heart opened
And the wound healed
Because it was the best answer
And balm as it could ever be

It amuses me so
That you can’t figure me out now
That you don’t even know
If you should be afraid of me
I guess I have kept my word
And allowed you to lead the way
Following instead

So now we merely enjoy
Enlightening conversation
Lightly teasing, provoking
Revealing some, yet revealing none
Falling for your “traps”
Letting you make fun of me
Somehow you always win
Though I don’t mind, not at all

Endless possibilities ahead
With no way of knowing any
Where your path will lead you
Or where my route will take me
Will we still meet?
Will we still speak?
Will we be closer?
Will we be further?

We walk on ahead
Slowly, leisurely, pleasurably
Not heeding much the unknown
Nor caring much either

And so
For now
We remain simply, openly

Friends

Questions, so many *sigh*

I feel like I’m being caught into a hole
Sinking deeper and deeper
You’re making me confused
With this delicate web of conversation

You talk to me with an open air
Of our feelings, of what we see
And what we feel we need
In our future someones

It seems such an intimate topic
One to approach with care
So as to not overstep the line
Where we might burn, if we dare
Though perhaps me on the receiving end.

You ask me if there was
Someone who attracted me
When I hesitated you grabbed the chance
And asked my why my attraction

You made me so nervous
How do I tell you
That my someone was you, is you
Tell you why you
Captivated me so

I dared not say too much
In fear that you will
Recognize yourself in my words

You’re hinting at some attraction
I’m so curious, yet I hold my breath
I feel you’re experiencing
Something you might not want to
Perhaps that’s why you’re telling me
And since you started, you continued to

You never chose to act like this
To speak with such freedom
Because you were afraid too,
Of danger if you did
The danger of someone getting too close

Yet you’re opening to me
It certainly seems that way
Does it mean you don’t think
Me a danger?
If so, I’m not sure
If you’re right.

Even though my mind knows not to,
I might still be in danger
Of not being able to keep a distance
To hold you away
Because I don't want to, not really.

If you allow me to
I’ll continue to listen to you
Try to stay afloat
Hopefully not betraying myself

If one day you knew
Though you warned me in words so clear
That my heart crossed the line
Silently tying itself to you
One day you pushed me away
Not wishing to cause me any pain

I'd wish to thank you
Though it'd not be possible
And I would still hurt
But only because I chose to

Because I had
Allowed you to make me laugh happier
Allowed you to make me cry sadder
Allowed you close enough to hurt

Know that
I never really dreamt of anything further
Know this
I only wished to care for you.

I Didn't

After the poem below, I wrote this one:

I Didn't

I didn't think, that I would fall
Didn't think, I'd be trapped
Didn't think, it went so deep
Didn't think, I would be stuck

I didn't mean, to fall so hard
Didn't mean, to fall at all
Didn't mean, to feel like this
Didn't mean, to dream even more

I didn't know, I was in danger
Didn't know, history would repeat itself
Didn't know, it wasn't time
Didn't know, it would hurt once more

I didn't ask, to be this way
Didn't ask, for wounds to be opened
Didn't ask, for words to come
Didn't ask, for them to pierce

I didn't hope, that you'd be sorry
Didn't hope, that you'd turn around
Didn't hope, that I mattered
Didn't hope, that you'd care
Didn't hope, that you'd fall as well

Lastly

I didn't tell, that you would know
Didn't tell, that I couldn't let go
Didn't tell, that I really hurt


Didn't tell, that I needed comfort.

Minute Things That Meant The World

Wrote this before the trip to PD, so it's kinda saddening in a way... =) Anyway, this was what I felt at that time, so...

Just needed you to know
That I

Just needed you to look
At me as I passed you by
Just needed you to smile
As I looked into your face

Just needed you to ask
If I was feeling fine that day
Just needed you to care
If I wasn't

Just needed you
For all these minute things
That meant the world

Then at last
If I could

Just need you
To hold
The memory of me within you

Why

Why. The most often used word of all time, I believe. Yet now I must use it. Because I seriously, do not know why, neither do I understand, why it had to be like this. How I want to ask, why? Why did he write, what he wrote? Why did he feel, he needed to write such things? Why, could I not stop, myself from hurting?

I do not understand, do not comprehend, the power he wielded over me. Just that few sentences, was enough to make me go into pieces. I had never felt words could be of that great impact before, yet today, I personally experienced, what words could do.

I do not think he knew, just how much they would pierce. How I wish, he would write another one, to take back all he wrote. But.....hoping on that, would just be like opening my heart, to sustain another cut. Then again, I don't seem to have the will, or the strength....to protect myself. Feel like locking up my heart, and throwing away the key...

Broken, Numb, Lifeless

At first, I was flying, over the moon. Really carefree, enjoying myself, skipping through college. Then, I went to the pc lab to check my e-mail. I smiled as I saw two e-mails, from "him". And I was still smiling after I read the first one.

I read through the second one so fast, that when the meaning registered, I went back over it again. I felt my whole body go cold, my hands stopped moving, one glued to the keyboard and the other to the mouse, and i just....froze. I stared at the monitor again, not believing what I saw, read. This couldn't be happening....

My eyes blurred, and finally, I understood, how the actresses in drama serials could cry on the spot, reading a letter or something from the person they were in love with. Here I was, in the pc lab, and tears rolled down my cheeks. I couldn't move, couldn't think, couldn't do anything.

If the condition of my heart could be amplified, perhaps what you would hear was the shattering sound of something broken into pieces. Or perhaps a cut becoming a wound, bleeding, unable to stop.

Him

A person so firmly imprinted in your memory, so unforgettable, leaving a mark that cannot be erased, makes you miss, every moment you had with him. And this vision, one in your mind, more importantly, in your heart, causes your mind to be constantly in rewind mode, going back in time, reliving them over and over and over again, never wanting them to fade.

Standing straight and tall, having just the right proportion and height, he makes a strong, powerful, mesmerizing presence. With skin the colour a rich brown, healthy tan, flawless complexion, further creates the irresistible draw. His hair, a natural black, perhaps with shades of brown, split in the centre, ruffled by the wind, serves only to impress deeper.

And then, his eyes; gentle, soft chocolate brown eyes, eyes that speak of a character so fascinating, compelling you to be so curious to find out more, and more. If by chance, he looks your way, and no matter by accident or on purpose, looks into yours as well, you find yourself being helplessly pulled, as if by some unknown power, until you are not aware of what is around you anymore. Because this is of luck, his glance bores into you, meaning much more than anything other people say or talk about. You try to search, comprehend, maybe just a little, of what is hidden in his gaze, before he turns away, perhaps afraid to send you the wrong message, unaware that he has already done irreparable damage, leaving your heart in chaotic bits.

Beneath his eyes, his nose comes into notice, straight and sharp, contributing more to his features. Next, a full, sensitive mouth, which curves into a smile every now and then, and if ignited with laughter, curves more to reveal a row of beautiful teeth. When this occurs, rays of happiness seems to spread and find their way into your heart, making you want to smile and laugh as well, wanting to share what was it that made him so joyful.

Another step more, hearing his voice, a voice like velvet, soft, gentle, understanding yet with a hint of hidden humour. The moment he opens his mouth to speak, your attention is commanded, listening to him whole-heartedly, seeing if you can catch a glimpse of him in what he is saying, expressing, finding yourself unable to do anything else, concentrating solely on him. Following of which you seek chances, opportunities to engage him in conversations, trying to hear and remember, his voice, or maybe just for the pleasure it gives, listening….



I wonder….