Generation

Recently, I've been impressed with the contents of a magazine by the name of Generation. The articles are thought provoking, even life altering for some... Especially for those in search for something worthwhile to read, and to keep, do visit:

http://www.gogeneration.com/

"...It is natural to suppose that a Being so high above us possesses no desire... According to our logic, how could a Being who is indeed complete and perfect possess a desire?... When we really stop to think, it makes sense that God has a desire. Attention to the world around us reveals an important principle: the more living a being is, the greater its desire. A stone, for example, is lifeless; as an inanimate object, it has no desire. Whether it rests in a park or is ground to fine powder does not bother a rock one way or another. Dogs possess a higher life and present greater desires; human beings possess an even higher life and demand even more. As the highest life of all, then, God must have an enormous desire."
-from Vol. 5 iss. 2 Generation Magazine

New Place

An update after quite some time "lost" online... hehehe...

Well... as of now, I'm no longer staying in the 3-minute-away-from-college room in Taman Paramount, PJ anymore. On the contrary, I'm staying in a house with beloved church sisters in Subang, which is now a 3-minute-away-from-office place =D

Haha.. the move was due to my having to go for 6 months of practical training in an architectural firm, so currently I've been attached to S N Low & Associates Sdn Bhd for a month and 3 weeks. It's been quite a new and different experience.. but I must say I miss college and all my friends soooo much!!! haha... hope to visit everyone soon!

Erm.. the past few weekends I've been quite filled with activities too. 3 weeks ago, we had a youth serving ones' blending in Country Heights, Kajang. Stayed in 2 villas (21 of us) for an extremely relaxing and enjoyable 2 days 1 night! Haha... the feeling was very nice... and all of us seemed to be brought into a closer and warmer circle.

Then last week was our youth camp in Broga Camp, Broga. There were 57 of us, including youth and serving ones. We had activities like flying fox, obstacle course, low rope and rafting, which were facilities at the camp. It was another very fun and enjoyable weekend =) I got to know many new people (the youth) 'cos some of them were first timers to our camp... so it felt very fresh and light to me.

Ok... think will stop here. Maybe when I'm more diligent I'll write something more "poem" like.. haha =D

To have no hope

今天
你说
若现在没希望
也代表未来是一样
没希望

我的心
似乎停了一下
我寻问
若是未来的事，
你为什么那么肯定
会发生的
或你自己

你又说，
自己应该改变不多
所以已经蛮清楚了

你再次的在暗示我
再次的在警告我
再次的提醒我
再次的保护我？

很想从心里
大大声地喊
不愿意，不甘心

我想相信未来
相信那未能知的未来
你却不想让我有那个权利
为何你不能一样的
把未来
交给未来

我已经放松了，不是吗？
我已经想好了，不是吗？
说了是朋友，还不行吗？

我知道你是为我好
但我真得无法
因你这样
而不再次的悲伤

外面
在下雨
好大，好大的雨

朋友，是好的

常希望超越朋友
常想象，我们，会怎样
但其实不妨退一步，看清楚
是否自己真的要这些
或应该说，需要吗？

既然知道
现在不是时候
那就不需要寻找
不需要追求
毕竟
它，还不是
任何人预备好接受的。

我听了一句很有智慧的话，
“Be what you are until you are different”
还没超越朋友，
那我们
最好的，
就是当朋友。

Answers, some

On the spur of the moment
When empathy for me was with you
I picked up the courage
To ask the reason as to why
You had to send me that e-mail
The one that grounded me
And cause me to cease my fancies

The reason simple, you said
You’d become afraid that I cared
For you more than I should

So another question comes to me
“You’re no longer afraid now?”
You, after some hesitation
Reply that you do not know

My heart opened
And the wound healed
Because it was the best answer
And balm as it could ever be

It amuses me so
That you can’t figure me out now
That you don’t even know
If you should be afraid of me
I guess I have kept my word
And allowed you to lead the way
Following instead

So now we merely enjoy
Enlightening conversation
Lightly teasing, provoking
Revealing some, yet revealing none
Falling for your “traps”
Letting you make fun of me
Somehow you always win
Though I don’t mind, not at all

Endless possibilities ahead
With no way of knowing any
Where your path will lead you
Or where my route will take me
Will we still meet?
Will we still speak?
Will we be closer?
Will we be further?

We walk on ahead
Slowly, leisurely, pleasurably
Not heeding much the unknown
Nor caring much either

And so
For now
We remain simply, openly

Friends

Questions, so many *sigh*

I feel like I’m being caught into a hole
Sinking deeper and deeper
You’re making me confused
With this delicate web of conversation

You talk to me with an open air
Of our feelings, of what we see
And what we feel we need
In our future someones

It seems such an intimate topic
One to approach with care
So as to not overstep the line
Where we might burn, if we dare
Though perhaps me on the receiving end.

You ask me if there was
Someone who attracted me
When I hesitated you grabbed the chance
And asked my why my attraction

You made me so nervous
How do I tell you
That my someone was you, is you
Tell you why you
Captivated me so

I dared not say too much
In fear that you will
Recognize yourself in my words

You’re hinting at some attraction
I’m so curious, yet I hold my breath
I feel you’re experiencing
Something you might not want to
Perhaps that’s why you’re telling me
And since you started, you continued to

You never chose to act like this
To speak with such freedom
Because you were afraid too,
Of danger if you did
The danger of someone getting too close

Yet you’re opening to me
It certainly seems that way
Does it mean you don’t think
Me a danger?
If so, I’m not sure
If you’re right.

Even though my mind knows not to,
I might still be in danger
Of not being able to keep a distance
To hold you away
Because I don't want to, not really.

If you allow me to
I’ll continue to listen to you
Try to stay afloat
Hopefully not betraying myself

If one day you knew
Though you warned me in words so clear
That my heart crossed the line
Silently tying itself to you
One day you pushed me away
Not wishing to cause me any pain

I'd wish to thank you
Though it'd not be possible
And I would still hurt
But only because I chose to

Because I had
Allowed you to make me laugh happier
Allowed you to make me cry sadder
Allowed you close enough to hurt

Know that
I never really dreamt of anything further
Know this
I only wished to care for you.

我相信

我相信
雨过会有彩虹
乌云中也有阳光
所发生的事
都有独特的奥妙

我相信
人是需要关怀
也会关怀别人
显出最美的一面

我相信
悲伤会过去
跟着自己的选择
和时间的
顺其自然

我相信
自己会遇最相配的
让自己最温暖的
让自己最特别的
让自己最快乐的

我相信
有浪漫的爱
真实的爱
永久的爱
有童话般
最好的结局

我相信
因为相信
比较幸福。

05.12.2005

thank you, Mr. Lighting kekeke... =P (can't see the cake decor cream on my face liao...)

making a wish...

still with the wish... what's that hand doing there?.....

original version (i think it can be a college publicity shot too! =) see the logo and name at the back?)

photoshop version =P

习惯了的思念

如果对痛苦可以习惯，那么思念呢？也可以吗？我是否，已经落到这个地步了呢？

其实，说真的
我应该不算很了解你
也并不是很认识你
可能对你的事，我不是完全的知道
就只是你跟我说的而已。

在别人眼中
我们有了不该有的联络
有了不该有的见面
但我有一些难以接受
因为我很清楚
我们之间不是他们想得那样
甚至可能什么都不是。

因为你
槟城成为了另有意思的地方
因为你
我第一次觉得自己好特别
因为你
让我不顾一切的去问候
因为你
给了我小小甜蜜的幸福
因为你
也让我认识了他。

对你
我是否过于固执了？
对你
我是否过于敏感？
对你
我是否过于的习惯？

见到你
应该是我很难忘的事
是我期待的事
见了你
我的感觉却消失了
去哪了？

就因如此，
开始查问
对于你的思念
是否只是在脑海里
而不是真真的在心里？

若是那样，
之前以为是痛苦，就该不是真的了
若不是那样，
为何我见到你的感觉，没有任何的兴奋，或特别的开心？
还是因为太多的不应该，
蒙蔽了我见你的喜悦？

我好希望
对你，不是习惯的思念
不只是守着一些已经不是的事
如果是
那么
也该是


我放开你的时候了。

习惯了的痛苦

我在想，是否有习惯了的痛苦？对人付出，但没得到任何有意义的回报，应该是很痛苦的吧。付出的对象，不一定是你喜欢的那一位，我只是在说任何对你自己有一些重要的人。

当然，起初会希望他对你有些回应吧。但，即使他没那样做，你还是继续得关心他，继续得跟他联络。在生活上，有时候会想起他，然后会想“他过的好吗？”

习惯了他的不回应，习惯了他的不会打电话来，习惯了他忘记之前答应过的事。虽然不好受，但是习惯了。

因为习惯，痛，好像也不是那么痛。

Me and 17

Two boxes – one purple, one green
Purple revealed a cute little kitty with a wistful grin
Of felt, polyester fiber and beans
Green contained six hand-made
Uniquely beautiful clips for my hair bed
A card accompanied each one, both in purple envelopes.
Inside the same inscription,
“Happy Birthday!” the caption

A movie for pleasure,
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Then a meal for the stomach,
Manhattan Fish Market – the seller
Ooh~ heavenly seafood platter
Of fish, prawns and calamari in batter
Mussels too, making its patter.

Opening the door
Finding even more
A Cake!
Crafted, a smile to make

Warmness radiated
Both candles and friends beloved
As a song sung,
A wish made
I believe, from my heart too.

Further laughter
With playful banter
We sought each other
With cream, not the flower
Sparing not even the photographer

Trying to cut nicely
Yet failing drastically
We presented the cake “artistically”

Time came for more delights
Discovering one – CD of her likes
Dolphin earrings in their stride
Another box – a white one this time
A cow! A baby shoe?
Mobile phone holder, the pocket signed

Calls to some dear to the heart
In my joy, they were a part
Euphoria abated
Happiness accorded
My day ended.

A Little Princess

In my continual journey through the magical, wondrous and sometimes unimaginable worlds presented through story books, it is always satisfying to find one story that stays in the mind indefinitely. Often flashes a phrase, or a dialogue, prompts my mind then to search for the title of the story, and book if I have it, then to locating it physically, and browsing straight to where I thought of.

This story, http://www.pagebypagebooks.com/Frances_Hodgson_Burnett/A_Little_Princess/

is one that comes to mind often, quoted elsewhere a lot too.

I enjoyed it immensely, perhaps you would too! =)

很痛

真的感觉很孤单。

有式过在雨中走路回家吗？若没有，或许不知道，在雨中走路，真地会觉得好冷哦。。。
忘记带伞，所以只好淋着雨的走回家。

从来都没觉得上课，读书，是那么痛苦的事。或许是因为自己的懒，才会发生那么多功课做不完的事情。虽然该死，但知道了也不会好受一点点。

身边没有人，都只是自己跟自己的胡思乱想。

这时，觉得周围好静哦。。。
压抑的心情也越来越强，强的。。。好像无法呼吸。眼泪也会跟着掉下来。

哭了，又在想，为何每次都让自己变成这个样子？
不知道。。。

好像连哭的权利，都没有。


只知道，担心，加上孤单，还有一些的胡思乱想，

很痛。

My Best Friend

What happens to you when your best friend finds someone, THAT someone? Often I have read about this, but I've never really paid much attention to it. It's not that I didn't think my best friend wasn't going to find someone, it's just that.....well, I suppose we always have that "It'll never happen to me" attitude.

When my best friend did find her someone, I was really happy for her. Her happiness simply radiated, and who could help it but be influenced as well. She did seem more beautiful, indeed praised by some, "Wow... you're looking prettier and prettier!" to which she only smiled blissfully in response. I knew her someone as well, and I was glad that he was doing so much good for her.

What difference it made to me, was accepting that now my friend had someone else she was committed to. And in those articles, I had read about best friends who became jealous and tried to monopolise their friend and snatching every opportunity to gain affection. Sometimes, friendships were lost too.

I'm glad to say, I don't belong in that group. Of course, at first, you might feel a little weird, when your phone conversations get shorter because that someone is calling her. Or when she forgets to call back because she got waylaid by his call or message. When you don't have so much time to spend chatting, yakking on the phone with her anymore because she's out on a date. Even when you were shown the little stuff and mementos given to her, feeling grossed out by all the "mushiness".

Sooner or later, you'll start to realise, that your friend is still your friend. And most of the time, a better one. She hasn't stopped caring for me, neither has she been not around when I needed her. You'll find, that your friend even becomes much more adept at handling situations now, because her maturity has grown to accept anothers' opinions and thoughts. And that, is something I would treasure very much. Besides, things that seemed so difficult or impossible in the beginning, wasn't really that unimaginably hard at all.

Well, my phone conversation with her just ended. And yes, because her someone was calling. So, I hung up. With grace and acceptance. Perhaps, respect, too.

无奈

最痛苦，
最难过，
最令人讨厌的感觉。

发现事实，却无能做任何事。
只看着，
最不想发生的事情，
就在眼前，
发生。

当无奈时，
想大声说，“不要这样！”
“拜托你，真的不要这样。。。好吗？”

他能听到吗？
听到你内心里的呼喊？

在身旁的人，
替你感到可怜，
替你感到悲伤，
甚至替你流泪。

但至终，
留下的心情。。。

无奈。

Infidelity

Or sometimes known as "straying". Of course, someone can only be accused of this if they were, or-thank their lucky stars- are attached.

Sure, the lure of forbidden fruit seems tantalising enough.

However, the price of the pain the loved one will experience upon stumbling on the truth, seems to dim it so much more.

Shock.
Numbness.
Disbelief.
Denial.
Anger.
Hurt.
Pain.

Helplessness.

无奈。