在我身边

我的头感觉好重，好痛苦。。。很想真个人都变成软软的。为什么会有力量来写这些，应该是因为我好希望有人知道我有多难过。。。

刚刚，我想到一个人。我在想，如果他在我这里，照顾我，那会有这么样的感觉呢？奇怪的是，他不应该是我第一个想到的人。是我最近，跟他在一起太多了吗？不知道，也不是很在乎。不想想那么多。。。

现在，如果有人在我身边，就好了。。。 若可以的话，除了照顾我，也赶快地把我的痛苦都带走。。。

Dessert!

Recently I found that people around us can be quite creative when they are given the chance to show it... Hahaha... yesterday when I went to Serdang, I found that they (the brothers and sisters) actually were taking part in a Dessert Competition. I found it quite comical really, the idea.

Anyway, I waited to see the show while I helped Sister House 4 decorate their "Ark", the one Noah built to save his family and everything else. And wow! these people were really quite creative in relating some spiritual meaning to the desserts they made.

Well, let's display the names that were there first - we had "Manna and Living Water", then "God is Love", "God's Expression", "Oneness", "Fountain of Life", "Living Bread from Heaven", "All-Inclusive Christ", "The Ark", "God's Salvation" and last but not least, "Little Water Lily".

Haha....if that wasn't impressive enough, wait till you hear how they presented the meanings behind everything. The first one, "Manna and Living Water" was glutinous balls 'tang yuan' in sweet syrup. Then "God is Love" was actually jelly, but they decorated it with one big heart shape on the outside, and then one small one within it, signifying God's love in comparison to our natural human love.

"God's Expression" was actually spring rolls 'popiah', though how were they related to God's expression that I do not know, or should I say "see". =P But the presenter certainly did try a good job explaining almost every item on the plate, including the sauce for the popiah.

"Living Bread from Heaven" is really bread, spread with kaya and fried with egg. "The Ark"was actually a dish I'd never seen before, probably a specialty from East Malaysia. It was made of crackers, layered with pork and luncheon meat, and steamed; 3 layers in total. Then there were slices of peach for the "waves", and some green vege cut to the shape of 8 human figures. =)

"God's Salvation" was the simplest dish, white, round jelly. The explanation was that God's salvation requires us only to accept Him simply, and the roundness typified the completeness and perfection of God.

All in all, it was a really fun Inter-Varsity Night. I'm sure everyone enjoyed themselves very much! Haha... oh, I haven't wrote who was the winner yet right? Well, the 3rd place was "God's Expression", then the 2nd was "God is Love", and the winner - *deng deng deng deng* "The Ark"!

Haha.... I had somehow unknowingly become part of the winning group.... =P Anyway, it was certainly a nice experience. I'm very glad that I bravely went (I say this because of the haze)!

I Didn't

After the poem below, I wrote this one:

I Didn't

I didn't think, that I would fall
Didn't think, I'd be trapped
Didn't think, it went so deep
Didn't think, I would be stuck

I didn't mean, to fall so hard
Didn't mean, to fall at all
Didn't mean, to feel like this
Didn't mean, to dream even more

I didn't know, I was in danger
Didn't know, history would repeat itself
Didn't know, it wasn't time
Didn't know, it would hurt once more

I didn't ask, to be this way
Didn't ask, for wounds to be opened
Didn't ask, for words to come
Didn't ask, for them to pierce

I didn't hope, that you'd be sorry
Didn't hope, that you'd turn around
Didn't hope, that I mattered
Didn't hope, that you'd care
Didn't hope, that you'd fall as well

Lastly

I didn't tell, that you would know
Didn't tell, that I couldn't let go
Didn't tell, that I really hurt


Didn't tell, that I needed comfort.

Minute Things That Meant The World

Wrote this before the trip to PD, so it's kinda saddening in a way... =) Anyway, this was what I felt at that time, so...

Just needed you to know
That I

Just needed you to look
At me as I passed you by
Just needed you to smile
As I looked into your face

Just needed you to ask
If I was feeling fine that day
Just needed you to care
If I wasn't

Just needed you
For all these minute things
That meant the world

Then at last
If I could

Just need you
To hold
The memory of me within you

hmm-hmm~la-la

hehe... perhaps most people can sense from my title that i'm in a quite happy mood...

Well, i just came back on sunday from the Christian Youth Camp in Port Dickson, with all the youth. It was an extremely enjoyable and fulfilling trip! In fact, after being amidst so many people for those few days, i miss them and the atmosphere so, so much. Being alone in my room and in college when it is the holidays is not exactly welcoming, if u get the idea....

anyway.... i am very happy because... hehe... =P i had a lot of fun in the camp. even coordinating to serve was a very nice experience. my group was in charge of one of the games, separating beans with chopsticks. it was so funny to keep changing ways they picked the beans, and then scare the youth whenever they dropped a bean, or when time was approaching its limit... haha!

another game was, the XY game. actually the motive was to gain the most positive points to win. there were 10 rounds in the game. the game was actually based on trust, that is, each group would have a representative to flash either "x" or "y". if everyone flashed "x", each would gain 100 points. if anyone flashed "y", the "y" person would gain points while the ones who flashed "x" would lose points. but if everyone flashed "y", all would lose points as well. bottom line is, you had a better chance to win if you flashed "y".

after 2-3 rounds, it became clear that we weren't really going to be able to win. so we changed tactics. instead of winning by gaining positive points, we were going to win by negative points. hehe.... hence, after that, every round our group rep flashed "x", and our points became further and further negative. someway in the middle, we thought that we should support our rep, so we started cheering and clapping every time we lost points. it was hilarious because everyone couldn't understand why all of us were laughing like mad while we were actually "losing".

we did lose, in the end, our points being an astounding -2700. =D then even more surprisingly, the serving one actually praised us, commended our group that we actually did not complain even though we lost. he said how we actually had more trust and love, by sacrificing to allow other groups to win. then one of the youth in a winning group said, "haiyo...see! let them get the glory already!" hehehe..... it was even more funny because we never thought of it in that way at all.... =P

hmm.... hope there'll be a trip again soon.... i would love to have so much fun and enjoyment again!

me wonder

me feeling hungry.... me a bit crazy at the moment. me looking at a lot of constantly updated blogs by all the people around me. me wondering how to finish my work by tomorrow. me wondering.... if i should go eat now. me wondering if... i'm getting sick? me wondering.... what am i doing here? me think.... me think me should go now...

lost in the world

hmm... probably the lack of knowledge of any constant readers has made me lazing at my own patience without thought of updating this blog... many a times i have tried to update this... but seems to have lack of inspiration... i changed the template, but it doesn't seem to have worked... hmm...

Her Heart

I wrote this in class one day.... Not exactly sure if this can be counted as a poem... =P Anyway, to those who are reading this, feel free to leave your comments!

Her Heart

A few words
A few thoughts
A few smiles
Strung together

Works well
Fine enough

To touch
To squeeze
To hold

Her heart

Warmness
Tenderness
Happiness
Finds their way
Spreads through

Her heart.

Differing Emotions

You feel all tingly and warm inside. Like... a really quite pleasant thing, and then an image crosses the path of your mind and a smile winds up your face. You think how nice it is to be with that person, and how you hope to see that person again. And then you realize you were thinking about one of your close friends.

What happens next? You get jolted out of your "trance", and then wonder how on the earth could you have been thinking such thoughts. Isn't that person a close friend? Then why did you think about that person in such a way? But.... you don't get the same kind of heartbeat-increasing, knees-shaking or nervous feeling that you always get (or at least hear about) when you are supposedly thinking about someone you like, someone beyond friends.

Instead, all you have is a very comfortable feeling, just nice....fuzzy....warm...cozy feeling. No, it can't be, you tell yourself. He/She's just a friend. Besides, I can't possibly like him/her. He/She's just....just...so not my type. Unfortunately, you fail to be even remotely convincing. To yourself.

I do not know if this scenario is familiar, or if anyone has eperienced it before. But my point is, sometimes, on what do we base the feeling that tells us we like someone? Maybe we think it should be like a very strong emotion, blasting you off your feet. Perhaps, for some. But can it also be a very slow...very smooth and pleasant feeling? A feeling that develops over time, and finally catches you unawares?

Or....perhaps, you are merely thinking too much and has allowed your ever-resourceful wandering mind to expand all the possibilities, picking up tiny, little signs or actions like hints? Perhaps what you felt was merely a warm affection for that friend of yours.

Lessons in our life as we grow, also includes being able to differ emotions. Perhaps, as we grow older, wiser, the answers to the above questions can be answered. Have you begun to ask yet?

That Empty Tower

I wrote this one day when I was feeling really down, desolate, and really quite nothing. That feeling was so overwhelming that I felt out of control. So, I poured it all out. Perhaps it describes what I felt, perhaps it doesn't. Anyway, I don't really understand the complete meaning of what I wrote when I re-read it. Maybe anyone can enlighten me?

That Empty Tower

Within the deep, dark places
A slow, creepy thing arises
Slow as it seems
It rises, eats
Grows without confines.

A creature unseen,
Always it has been
If left to stay
A high price later to pay.

As it grows, it is like a tower
With dormant power
When more and more
Gets into this core,
Deeper and deeper it bores.

These that go in,
Are like prints made on sand
With just a little wind
They leave, baring the land
Seemingly many
Yet really empty.

Initially thought to fulfil
That deep, deep space
It gives no thrill
Finally to know
It sets even further a pace.

A tall tower it may be
Seemingly strong
When real to see
Echo of emptiness all along.

An empty tower
With nothing to flower
Why not allow a sower

His love here to shower?

Chocolate Cake

See my title? Perhaps you're wondering what I'm going to write about. Maybe you say, "Hmm... this girl never puts title that directly relate to what she writes...." So what would "Chocolate Cake" be about? Well, you can stop wondering now because I'm going to reveal it to you right now - tada! I'm going to write about..... a chocolate cake! Isn't that surprising?

Hehe.....please bear with me even if you're thinking I'm talking absolute crap....

Anyway, back to my cake. On Saturday, I sort of baked a chocolate cake. Well, not one, but two actually. Because that was how many the batter could make. And I didn't exactly make the batter myself either. Just in case some of you who are going "wow" at my culinary skills. I used that thing out of a box you get in the supermarket, the kind with a nice picture of a deliciously tempting cake on the outside, the kind that you can choose which picture looks most delicious to you. In this case, I picked the picture of one with the most moist looking fudge on top, called "Devil's Food". This tells you that you can actually pick up knowledge from even a box of cake mixture - devils actually eat chocolate cake. And what were we imagining he ate all this time??

So, I poured out the cake mixture into a large bowl. Then I added in the ingredients you had to put, like 3 eggs (I only had 2, but it doesn't matter much, I think), then a half cup of oil, 1 and a quarter cup of water, which I substituted the quarter for milk, because it would be more moist that way. I learnt that from somewhere else, I can't remember.

Then, I'm supposed to beat it with a mixer. My mom is surprised that I found a hand mixer, she forgot she won one I don't know which year ago. Anyway, I use the brand new mixer, with a feeling of excitement. I switch on the speed button, the 1st degree. Maybe now you're expecting me to describe a disaster that you think happens next. Well, actually, ...... I wouldn't call it disaster, just that when the mixer started whirring, I noticed that bits of the batter actually flew out of the bowl and stuck to the stuff around, like the rice cooker, and the water flask.

I stopped the machine, then look desperately around, thinking what can I do now. I don't want my first experience of baking a cake to be leaving a trail of mess in the kitchen. I get my sister to hold the mixer for me over the bowl, then I get some newspapers and spread it on the floor, after which I place the bowl in the floor, with enough distance all around. There, problem solved! I couldn't help feeling the tiniest bit pleased.

Anyway, after that I was supposed to beat it at low speed for 2 minutes, then high for 2 minutes. I used the 1st speed, the slowest, for a few minutes. But I didn't exactly dare to put it on higher speed, because I'm sure if I did, the bits of batter would really fly way, way out of my control. So, I beat it longer than the whole 4 minutes. I'm sure the result would be the same, right?

My mom pours the batter for me into two tins. I watch in fascination as the cake finally bakes, watch as it rises, and rises, and now it looks like a mound. Then it starts having some cracks, and cracks. All the time, you can smell the wonderful smell of chocolate cake coming from the oven. So, in the end, I had 2 nice, warm, moist chocolate cakes. Which tasted even better after we put it into the fridge.

Like my chocolate cake story? Maybe you should try making one. It's good experience. Next time, I think I'll start from scratch, the kind where I have to measure the flour, cocoa powder, sugar and everything else. haha..... I wonder how would that cake be like....

2nd

Hehe.... I know I haven't been blogging for some time. Anyway, what matters is I'm back! I'm now in my 2nd year of my Architecture course, the first semi-semester. What's cool about this is, since the semi-sem only lasts 7 weeks excluding holidays and exams, there's not much time to study a lot, so I only have 3 subjects, and only 3 days of classes a week! Muahahaha...

I cut my hair recently, last Saturday. So now it's short, just touching my shoulders. And it's not just straight and boring (if i say so) like last time, but it's kinda curlish, framing my face, and round. Which results in a very young, fresh and cute look. And I did not say this myself - I summarized all the comments my family, friends and lecturers made to me. Haha...

I'm hoping for a lot of 2nds, or should I say, new, or renewed efforts this year. Like the 2nd year for me to become more hardworking, 2nd time for me to make my room cleaner, 2nd semester for me to get better results, 2nd effort to make myself taller (if this is possible), and 2nd chance with that somebody.

Anyway, though this is really late - Best wishes for everyone in this new and fresh beginning, hope that we can make better ourselves together!

Why

Why. The most often used word of all time, I believe. Yet now I must use it. Because I seriously, do not know why, neither do I understand, why it had to be like this. How I want to ask, why? Why did he write, what he wrote? Why did he feel, he needed to write such things? Why, could I not stop, myself from hurting?

I do not understand, do not comprehend, the power he wielded over me. Just that few sentences, was enough to make me go into pieces. I had never felt words could be of that great impact before, yet today, I personally experienced, what words could do.

I do not think he knew, just how much they would pierce. How I wish, he would write another one, to take back all he wrote. But.....hoping on that, would just be like opening my heart, to sustain another cut. Then again, I don't seem to have the will, or the strength....to protect myself. Feel like locking up my heart, and throwing away the key...

Broken, Numb, Lifeless

At first, I was flying, over the moon. Really carefree, enjoying myself, skipping through college. Then, I went to the pc lab to check my e-mail. I smiled as I saw two e-mails, from "him". And I was still smiling after I read the first one.

I read through the second one so fast, that when the meaning registered, I went back over it again. I felt my whole body go cold, my hands stopped moving, one glued to the keyboard and the other to the mouse, and i just....froze. I stared at the monitor again, not believing what I saw, read. This couldn't be happening....

My eyes blurred, and finally, I understood, how the actresses in drama serials could cry on the spot, reading a letter or something from the person they were in love with. Here I was, in the pc lab, and tears rolled down my cheeks. I couldn't move, couldn't think, couldn't do anything.

If the condition of my heart could be amplified, perhaps what you would hear was the shattering sound of something broken into pieces. Or perhaps a cut becoming a wound, bleeding, unable to stop.

Warmth

Warmth can come from many places - in my case, right now, I'm feeling it from my friends. Suddenly, all the people around me seem to have imposed more feelings of care and support on well, the people around them. They seem more closely knit than before, with visibly stronger bonds.

Especially some of my frens, recently, they have asked about me, helping me in all ways possible and in whatever they can within their ability, no matter physically or morally. And this appplies specifically to my rommate, who's really been a pillar for me. This really gives me warmth, the feeling of bliss even in the midst of suffering (metaphorically). I really appreciate all the care and concern that you guys have showered on me.

To all my friends who are reading this, thank you very much for your support. I wish you to know, that I think I'm really lucky, to have you people as my friends. Thank you!!!!!

Closed Doors

Sometimes, you go through a phase, where you leave something for tomorrow, and when tomorrow comes, you leave another thing for the next day, and this accumulates over a few weeks. Then, you start panicking and try as hard as you can rushing through everything, thinking, how was it possible you could have done such things.

Sounds familiar? Probably because we go through similar stuff. You start feeling really bad about yourself, feeling really guilty and the ever regrettable phrase, “I wish I could go back in time,” which unfortunately, will never happen. And then, you give yourself optimism, finding hundreds of ways that you could actually finish all that you left unfinished, hoping against hope that you will be undiscovered, and face minimal retribution.

Then, as you draw a new, sure-to-work plan, you find that sometimes, situations aren’t so forgiving. The ways that you plotted to get out of trouble the easiest way possible, don’t always work out. Just when you thought you had a surge of hope again, you find several other closed doors, standing in your way. And these, force you to face the consequences and take responsibility for your slothfulness that you have already regretted. You think, “Why does it have to be this way?” like all you wanted was to make a clean break, but the circumstances certainly do not permit you to do so.

*Sigh…

Him

A person so firmly imprinted in your memory, so unforgettable, leaving a mark that cannot be erased, makes you miss, every moment you had with him. And this vision, one in your mind, more importantly, in your heart, causes your mind to be constantly in rewind mode, going back in time, reliving them over and over and over again, never wanting them to fade.

Standing straight and tall, having just the right proportion and height, he makes a strong, powerful, mesmerizing presence. With skin the colour a rich brown, healthy tan, flawless complexion, further creates the irresistible draw. His hair, a natural black, perhaps with shades of brown, split in the centre, ruffled by the wind, serves only to impress deeper.

And then, his eyes; gentle, soft chocolate brown eyes, eyes that speak of a character so fascinating, compelling you to be so curious to find out more, and more. If by chance, he looks your way, and no matter by accident or on purpose, looks into yours as well, you find yourself being helplessly pulled, as if by some unknown power, until you are not aware of what is around you anymore. Because this is of luck, his glance bores into you, meaning much more than anything other people say or talk about. You try to search, comprehend, maybe just a little, of what is hidden in his gaze, before he turns away, perhaps afraid to send you the wrong message, unaware that he has already done irreparable damage, leaving your heart in chaotic bits.

Beneath his eyes, his nose comes into notice, straight and sharp, contributing more to his features. Next, a full, sensitive mouth, which curves into a smile every now and then, and if ignited with laughter, curves more to reveal a row of beautiful teeth. When this occurs, rays of happiness seems to spread and find their way into your heart, making you want to smile and laugh as well, wanting to share what was it that made him so joyful.

Another step more, hearing his voice, a voice like velvet, soft, gentle, understanding yet with a hint of hidden humour. The moment he opens his mouth to speak, your attention is commanded, listening to him whole-heartedly, seeing if you can catch a glimpse of him in what he is saying, expressing, finding yourself unable to do anything else, concentrating solely on him. Following of which you seek chances, opportunities to engage him in conversations, trying to hear and remember, his voice, or maybe just for the pleasure it gives, listening….



I wonder….

Yessss!!!!!

I seriously shouldn't have time for this. This is on account of me not having finished all my assignments while having to leave tomorrow for Fraser's Hill and won't be returning till Sunday. Which also happens to be the last day of my holiday. Get the picture? In short, I am so dead.

Anyway, I am estatic for another reason. On Monday, my mom went out to Mid Valley and she called me. She asked, "What are the titles of the books by Meg Cabot that you wanted?" So I told her, "One is Princess Diaries 6 and another is Teen Idol (which I saw in the MPH catalogue)" Then she said, "Oh, ok.."

When she returned, I find both of these in the plastic bag she was carrying. Yesss!!! I had the book! I had the book! I had the booksssss!!!! I didn't know my mom would buy both. Seriously. Since both were hardcovers and way over how much we usually spend on ONE book. Anyway, my mom rocks!! Hehe...

I won't be able to write for the few following days to come as I will be in Fraser's Hill, as above mentioned. And also busy thinking of ways to explain to the lecturers why I just COULDN'T finish my work...

Being A Princess

I took this from The Princess Diaries:

"Whatever comes," she said,
"cannot alter one thing.
If I am a princess in rags and tatters,
I can be a princess inside.
It would be easy to be a princess if I were
dressed in cloth of gold, but it is a great
deal more of a triumph to be one all the
time when no one knows it."


A Little Princess
Frances Hodgson Burnett

Are we really?

Yesterday, I watched "Mona Lisa Smile", a movie which I've been wanting to watch for some time. For people who have not seen this movie (or even heard of it, maybe), this movie talks about a lady, Catherine Watson (Julia Roberts) who sets out to a college, Wellesley, in a rural area, to teach art history. She goes there with a mission to make a difference. This is not an easy task as the professors there are all traditionalists, and the students (only girls) all studying until someone proposes and they get married. So all in all, it is a comparatively outdated society, as we would call it nowadays.

There is one point that made me think in the movie, that is when Ms. Watson asks her student, Joan (Julia Stiles) who is a pre-law student to consider pursuing her degree in law even after she's married. She tells Joan that she can make a choice, and gives her the admission form for the University of Yale. Well, Joan does apply and even gets accepted. But she does not decide to go in the end, a serious blow to Ms. Watson. Joan tells her that this was the decision she made, that she would regret not having a family than not being a lawyer.

It is quite clearly shown in the movie, I think, that this was clearly not the choice Catherine Watson expected her to make. What made me wonder was, we...we always think that there are some things that would be right for a person, certain things they should do, pursue. But what we think, is it always right? And even if we are right, is it what the person wants? Then maybe we say, that person doesn't really know what he wants, or doesn't have the courage to pursue it. But still, we do all the thinking from our point of view. In our consideration, did we miss out, on that person's ability to know what is right and wrong for them, or what would make them happy?

The movie ends with Ms. Watson leaving the post after a year, when the college's council could not accept her radical way of thinking and teaching. She could not compromise her principles and leaves for somewhere else, where maybe she could try to make another difference. But she did make the girls in her class think beyond the norm, and looking further into the future.

So, for those who would enjoy a movie with much depth and insight, I would definitely say that this is a must-watch.