Mrs. Ong's Poem for Me

The other day, I flipped through my file of old achievements and came across a piece I treasured much above the others - a poem specially written for me, which I had kept since 1996. It was from the first principal I had in primary school. Perhaps some might not understand such an affection for such an authority figure, but I loved her dearly, and I believed she loved me too. In 1996, we (the students) heard that she was leaving the school to further her studies overseas. I was heartbroken, and wrote her a letter telling her so. On the day she left, I came to my class and found there under my desk, this poem (presumably left there by her son, who sat next to me then) :

A Poem Specially for Leong Yun Rui

Dearest Yun Rui, thank you for your letter,
You are indeed getting better and better!
In everything you never fail to excel,
Indeed God has blessed you real well.

Yun Rui dear, don’t feel sad for me,
For one day I’ll come back, you’ll see;
Not as your Principal, but as your friend,
You will find in me a helping hand.

You are so young and yet so intelligent,
You make proud and happy any parent;
Use the gifts that God has bestowed on you;
To make others happy and your life blissful.

I will never forget you, you are special,
For one so young, you prove so capable;
There is nothing I can wish better for you,
You are blessed, more than any I know and knew.

One thing that I advise as you go through life,
Always be humble, always for good strive;
You will never lack peace and happiness,
When you combine intelligence with godliness.

I have to go because like you I love to study,
I want to learn more of the world around me;
One day your beloved ones too will cry,
When for higher studies, you have to say “goodbye”.

But you will come back, just like me,
Maybe in a different capacity;
It doesn’t matter as long as memories remain,
Precious like the summer breeze and desert rain.

God bless you and your family everyday,
He will continue to watch over you in every way;
His angels will guard you as you grow,
To be a fine example, God’s pride on show!

Love,
Mrs. Juliana Ong
Principal
Sekolah Sang Suria
10 March 1996

She has come back here in the recent years. Whenever I read this, my eyes never fail to water. I hope to meet her soon... someday.

Tidbit - LRT

Share a little sweet incident in the LRT some time ago...

There was a family comprising the father, mother, a son and a younger daughter. The daughter was putting on her jacket. The sleeves were too long. She turned to her parents (who were sitting as she was standing), holding out her left arm to her mum. So the mum took the sleeve and started folding. Dad took the other arm. Now the little girl was totally facing her parents, with an arm in each parent's hands. Mum finished folding the sleeves in 2 folds in like, 2 seconds. Dad was still fumbling around, and seeming to realise his wife was done, turned to look at the sleeve she did. And he looked back and forth between that and the one he was folding. Left, right, left, right until the wife took mercy and held out 2 fingers to him, "2" (referring to folds). Dad took the hint and did it right finally. After like, half a minute later.

Heehee... =D

Old Friend's Party

I went to an old friend's birthday party yesterday. She wasn't exactly a close friend of mine, but I still met her on and off after she changed schools. I was kinda surprised to received an SMS inviting me, and since I haven't been in touch with most of my ex-schoolmates, I decided to attend. It was such a long time since I last went to a party that I only remembered I forgot a present half an hour before the party started. XD

I don't know what I expected actually. I told myself that seeing an old friend was reason enough. She stayed in a really posh area in Cheras, those sort of 3-storey bungalows on a slope with city nightline view costing probably 2 million, and that is only the house. Anyway, I met a friend on the way there so I joined her in the car with her boyfriend.

When we arrived, there were quite a few people there already. Saw some people I really haven't seen for at least 3 full years. Too bad those I was closer to weren't able to make it. I called one there actually, and she said I sounded different, more grown-up. Hah! Found out that 4 of the people in my batch had gotten married already. Goodness! When I saw the photos in Friendster some time ago, I thought my eyes were playing tricks with me. So now I had it confirmed, one of them having had his dinner just last month, and another earlier this year.

We explored the house, the gang of us from the school. I wished I had obeyed my instinct to bring my camera. I quite like the house actually, although the interior finishes and furniture are not to my taste (quite Chinese, mostly white and golden gilded, elaborate fans and chandeliers). I liked that the house had an outdoor garden on the 2nd level, complete with a swing and a pavillion. There were a few terraces and balconies on the upper floors that allowed you the view I mentioned above. And being a 3 storey house meant there would be a void triple volume. This space had a grand curved staircase from the 2nd floor. The wall was finished with man-made rock and had a mini waterfall trickling into a small pond below too. Only thing was this volume is not fully visible from the front when you enter, which is a waste.

After cutting the cake and eating it, there was really nothing much to do. Small talk could only last so long. Quite a few of them started to leave, and I managed to get a ride from a kind friend to a place where my mum could pick me up. I was there for only an hour and a half. Didn't have the feeling that you just came back from a party I used to have last time. Haha... Something to do with being more grown-up? =P

我以为

我以为我已经健忘了
我以为已经不痛了
也以为不在乎了

我以为可以看得开
以为没什么大不了的

我是真的已经在努力
我知道我不能再想了
光是这点，心就已经紧紧地。。。

我以为可以很简单
曾希望不会需要太久

我以为。。。

Unrequited

wrote this way back in the year 2000. i found it just today. to think i felt like this then too... =)

By watching her,
She could see the love in her eyes,
The love for a person,
Who doesn't love in return.

By watching her,
She could see the sparkle in her eyes,
A sparkle of fascination,
To him only condemnation.

By watching her,
She could see the need in her eyes,
The need to be loved,
A need never granted.

By watching her,
She could see the pain her eyes,
The pain of having loved,
And not loved in return.

*published in Youth2, The Star on 6 June 2007

Tidbits - Mamak

As I sit here falling asleep (and most probably would 'slip' away soon), I thought of sharing 2 short incidents, 'tidbits' in my life. Both of these incidents happened in one of the most popular cultures of Malaysia, the mamak.

Incident 1:

Yesterday, my family and I went for dinner. As we sat down, the boss came to take our order. He asked, "Minum apa?"

My mum replied, "Roti sardin"

Without blinking an eye, the boss continued, "Minum roti sardin, makan apa?"

I looked at my brother, and we both burst out laughing.

Incident 2:

This morning, I had breakfast with my mum. The boss came asking, "Nescafe tarik, teh tarik?"

Mum replied, "Nescafe tarik", then gestured to me, asking me what I wanted to drink.

One of the workers asked, "Teh tarik a?"

The boss, with an imitation of a little girl, "Dia cakap, Saya mau milo..." =P

What I Do in College

I’m supposed to have graduated. Yet I still faithfully go to the college, waking up everyday at 6 a.m. to hitch a ride with my mum who goes to the same place. Then the same routine – arriving before the sun arises (if there is no traffic jam) and buying the Star newspaper at the Caltex petrol station before going for a breakfast of two half-boiled eggs and a ham and cheese sandwich at the coffee shop.

Upon arriving in the familiar institution I call my college, I stumble in to the computer lab, switching on the lights, air-cond and computer, so forth. Oh joy! I’m connected to the Internet. After searching around Google aimlessly for some time, logging into my e-mail and deleting those e-mails I never read yet not reading those I would, listening to some songs, visiting some blogs, it’s almost 9 a.m. Some early birds would have arrived by now, preparing for class while I excuse myself to hide in some isolated studio where I slip into undisturbed dreamland.

Few hours or minutes later, I wake myself, momentarily deciding if I should start my work. Before that idea starts forming into something concrete, I’ve already gone on to slumberland yet again. It’s almost lunch time now, as I greet some familiar faces of those who make the same vigil to college as I do. I open up my pile of butter paper and sketches, looking at my progress and pondering… pondering… pondering. Time for lunch.

My feelings of dread come once or twice in a day. Once, when I turn my head to find the face and eyes of my lecturer staring back at me. Twice, when I turn my head the other way and find the same thing looking back at me at another time in the day. At which point I would usually turn away and run back to the work I’m supposed to be doing so that some degree of guilt would go away. I alternate between CAD and online messaging, or I believe the more flattering would be to say, multi-tasking.

All too soon, it’s almost 6 p.m. Work time is officially over, and mine seems so too. Some more surfing, some downloading, some reading, some listening, before Mum says to call it a day. Probably a dinner if the stomach protests too much, and then the sleeping car ride home.

Few people have asked me what I do everyday in college. I often shrug and give a Even-if-I-told-you,-you-wouldn’t-understand look.

Vortex

Love... a vortex?

love seems like light at the end of the tunnel...

yet within the light, therein lies a deep, dark channel...

*inspired by a post from May's blog

Just Let Me Love You

by Joanne Avanzado

Of all the people in this world, Why is it you that I fell for There could be someone better than you Someone that I can depend on If only I can teach my heart I’ll say I should forget you But even if I tried to My heart still beats for you I know it is wrong And I must learn to be strong Coz your heart is not free It’s with someone all along Let me love you silently Let me hold you in my dreams Just let me feel the way I do To love me back, you don’t have to…

~found from LovePoetry

你，和别人

终于明白
为何你是那么肯定未来
在我还傻傻的，
在我还盼望着，
原来你的未来，
早已在你心中
而我
是多么的希望，
你未来的那份幸福
可以是我给你的。

只能一直对自己说，
从此，你再也不在我的未来里，
在还没拥有，就已失去你
希望说多以后
自己会相信自己所说的
渐渐的接受是事实。

There was Her

The final attack. The most lethal yet.
And I was ambushed too.

The day I could no longer pretend
I never hoped for more.
The day all the signs I chose to ignore
Came to be true, and more.

The day I had a description,
Then a face
Then a name
Then a person
The day I knew there was her.

Can my ability to love like I loved you be taken away, only returning when the time is right?

Driven and Drained

This marks the third time my finals has driven to blog.

I think I'm really just in need of something else to do.
Maybe just searching for an avenue to let all the trapped frustrations within out.

The past few days seems to have passed by in a daze of work, computer, taking meals, getting comments and travelling back and forth to college. Sleep figured little in between, if any at all.

My body seems to have reached a certain point of limitation. I fell asleep unconsciously in front of my computer just now, sitting in my chair. I don't know when it happened, how it happened, and how long it happened.

Friends marvel at this "ability" to fall asleep. I don't see it as an ability. How hard can it be for the body to decide it's taken enough abuse and just "hibernate"?

Within me rage monsters fighting simultaneous battles. One strives to complete the formal college assignment, another argues about the hopelessness and futility of that. One brings up regret and remorse for idling time away, another charges just to move on and not think too much. Yet another thinks about a certain someone, its counterpart proceeding to emphasize another someone. Still another misses home, and another reminds that I'm leaving the other place I call home soon.

Few people are aware that I'm moving from the sisters' house in Subang soon. Next Wednesday is the end of January, and also my tenancy. When I decided to move out, I only wanted to get away from the congestion and overcrowding, as it had seemed. Now, as it approaches, I fail to comprehend a reason why I needed to leave. But there isn't really, a reason not to either. What complicates matters is that I have grown used to yet another place I called home for almost a year.

I'm beginning to treasure the peals of laughter breaking through the house. The gathering of people in the living room, in the kitchen. The long talks with certain one or two late into the night. The quiet of the night where music becomes my companion. My table lighted to segregate my "corner". The wind gently caressing the trees outside. The calmness of the roads at 3 a.m. in contrary to the day activities. The meeting of campus brothers and sisters every week. Going out with them.

Somehow as I wrote, I lost my line of thought. My mind wandered as it wished, soothed by music from The Lake House.

It's a wonder one can feel and think about so many things all at once. I half float around, feeling like I would faint but never managing to do so. I hugged myself tight to ease the urge to scream and break something.

Now back to the project that must be finished...

Final Countdown

Haha.. the title sounds so ominous...

The week before 290107 is here. To the 4th day already, no less. I often get the question, "How many percent have you done?" How do you count anyway? I have no idea how to answer, and I always say, "I don't know..." I'm also actually afraid to face the amount of work I have NOT done, but am supposed to finish.

Been visiting the college almost everday lately. One of the benefits of having a mum who works in the same place that you study in. It's good to ensure that I at least get in a few hours everyday spent on my final project. F-I-N-A-L. I'm having my finals. Can't believe that's the way I'm treating my finals.

Well, I have no idea how to set the pace for my project. Set-up is on Friday, which technically means that's the dateline. But I suppose many people will only do the model after that date. I have no drawings, no perspectives, no model, no board. As of NOW. Am I worried? Yes, to some extent. But I've been aware of squashing the worm of panic that's threatening to overwhelm me.

Why am I crapping here? Just for a reprieve, I guess. Not that I've been hard at work. No... I've been exploring the world of file formats and converting between them on the ever available World Wide Web. No idea why I'm doing such thing at this moment. Not to mention spent a few hours on it too.

It's time for an introspection (reminded from May's blog) again. To evaluate what I really want to do and NEED to do. To look at what I have become. To do some deep thinking.

290107

Haven't been writing something for light reading for some time. Those that simply chronicle the routine of life one goes through everyday. So maybe this serves as an update...

I'm actually in college now. The numbers 290107 signify the date I view with mixed feelings. One, I dread it to come; another, I wish it to come so that it will be over. The day of my final project presentation. Oh the joy! I don't know how to face this actually. But I really am hoping that I can just get it done with and declare myself to have graduated. Haha...

My classmates are kinda split over this I think. Some have finalised their design and are moving on quickly in their work. Some are still stuck and trying to figure their way out. Some are not doing anything at all, trying to get into the mood. I'm kinda in the second category, I guess. I envy those in the first, and identify with those in the third.

My mum is now working in the college instead of school. It's quite funny, how her work place changes with the place I'm studying in. It used to be my alma mater. I was there for 2 years before she transferred to be a teacher there. And now, when I'm almost graduating, she got transferred here. I wonder how my siblings are getting on with their new routine. I hope they're fine.

I kinda miss the days when I was home everyday. I saw my family members everyday. Now, as it has been since 3 years ago, I only see them every weekend, and that for a few hours maybe. Some people see how well I get on with my brother and sister, seeing us chat and not arguing at all. Then another remarked that I haven't been home to argue with anyway. That got to me. I think it's true, actually. We're so busy catching up with our lives the past week that we can't be bothered to argue. Is this something good or bad, I can't determine...

Before I get too nostalgic, I'd better scoot back to my work. I'm so afraid that I'm gonna regret all my procrastination. That's the thing driving me on actually. That, and the fact that I really need to produce something for my finals so that I can continue my studies after I graduate from here.

契约

Actually I wrote this in February last year. I never quite got around to "implementing" it. Haha... Anyway, it kind of fits with what I should do now... So, I need to write this promise to myself. This shall be an agreement, 我的契约。

想好了。

不想再让你怀疑
不想再听你说害怕我
不想再听你说没希望，
不想你远离我。

因为你说在保护我，
所以先说拒绝我。
不想因此而伤心，
不想因此而流泪。

似乎，
唯有我放弃你
才能这样。
但是，
我很抱歉
我知道我不可能做到
也许因为我不想做到。

所以，
从今起，
我会收起
对你所有的感觉，

所有的事情，
所有的思念，
所有的关心，
所有的快乐，
所有的悲伤，
所有的爱。

我并不坚强，
所以我没有把握
也没有信心
能够办到以上的一切。

我只能进我所能，
在家人，朋友面前，
不再提到你，
不再谈到你。

请你给我一点的时间，
把我在你身上的感情
慢慢的收回
但请你不用再警告我
让我自己决定停止
让我自然的了结。

在这清晨
在哭泣
在不舍中
把你藏在
心理的隐秘处。

Twice burned

Somehow, I need to write about this. After all, it IS the thing I most dreaded happening.

A repeat of being broken, numb, and cold.

I started to pray when I saw a new e-mail. Praying it wouldn’t be you.
Then I saw it was indeed you; the first line told me what I dreaded was true.

Reluctantly, I clicked to read what was sure to be another death sentence.

“Impossible”, “nothing else” and “never will change” jumped out at me.
The notion of a time longer than forever.
I started to tremble and sunk in my seat.
At the same time, something warm rose in my eyes and fell.
My vision blurred, my body trembled and chilled.

I didn’t absorb everything. Maybe my mind had tried to close off what it knew would stab at my heart. But I couldn’t bring myself to look once more, to comprehend all. What I knew already brought enough pain.

Why did this attack come again? When I received the first, I hoped it would be the last.

I couldn’t face the computer anymore. I walked away, to curl myself up and let it out. Finally, I went to my bed, and covered myself in a blanket, and sat with my head against the wall. Tears flowed for a while, then dried, then flowed some more.

Cold, broken, numb.

只是一个告别

今天，我对你又有了新的感觉。
发现，虽然和你在一起的时候，不是什么兴奋的事，但还算是幸福吧。
就算没和你说活，但看到你，已经是一种满足。

当一离开你的身边，
我的身体突然好冷，是从内里发出的冷。
心，不安，不舍。
后悔离开，不想让你走开，走远。

理智控制情感，
让自己不回头，
向前走。
每一步好重，好难走。

终于可以回头那时候，
你已经慢慢离开我了。
我们的今天结束了。

只留我一个人。
不知道如何面对失去的人。
第一次变成这样，
心里好像不见了什么。
有一个洞，
忽然开了。

心情很沉重，
心思很混乱，
想流泪解决，
但泪水啊。。。
好像躲起来了。

只是那么简单的告别，
却能让我变成这样。
完蛋了。。。
我完蛋了。。。

Austen Character.. hmm...

You scored as Emma Woodhouse. Emma is possibly one of the most loyal characters of Austen, always wanting better for those around her and doing all she possibly can to make it happen. Her motives sometimes get in the way of her good intentions and her own opinions can end up ruling her actions, but she has a good heart. She loves to be social and is welcoming to most, unless they are too silly to tolerate. While she sometimes changes her behavior to make others feel comfortable, she knows who she is and is always bettering herself. Which Jane Austen Character are You? (For Females) Long Quiz!!! created with QuizFarm.com

Cheat, Or Not?

I had just finished a visit to PAM (Pertubuhan Akitek Malaysia) for an assignment when I encountered a curious, new experience. Upon reaching the entrance of KL Sentral, a man approached me, asking, [The conversation hereafter shall be a translation of the actual one carried out in Mandarin] "Miss, do you understand Mandarin?"

He was dressed in a dark blue shirt with a red collar, and black trousers. He had short, something like crew cut hair. His face was quite large, with fairly big, alert eyes, and thick eyebrows. He even had a little belly. I would venture him to be around early to mid-30s. He was carrying a briefcase.

He asked me to listen to him for a while, and after that I could leave if I couldn't help. He introduced that he was from China and was asking me since I was Chinese as well. I guess I must have looked kinda wary and even nervous (this is my first such encounter) that he said, "You don't have to be so afraid, I'm not a bad person." I tried to ease up a bit, but still felt bit uneasy.

He described that he had run into some difficulties, and that his "lao zhong" (boss) who was supposed to be here today informed him that he could only come tomorrow. Then, he stated his motive - that he currently had no money on him, and asked if I could spare him some money to get food. Well... I was on my guard now, 'cos he certainly looked pretty decent and not the kind who would be starving just dut to the lack of one meal.

He said he would return me the money tomorrow, and that "the amount is not important, but we can become friends." I wasn't sure if to believe him, so I asked, "How are you going to return the money to me?" He said, "Leave me with your handphone number, and give me a chance to repay you." Ha! My instincts strongly warned against this. He took out his handphone from his pocket, red in colour.

He persisted in saying that he would soon return my money, especially when his "lao ba" (father) came tomorrow. Strange, how come it was "lao ba" now? Thought he mentioned "lao zhong"? When I still made no reaction except to smile uncomfortably, he said, "Miss, you still don't believe me?? Leave me with your handphone number and give me a chance to repay you. I'm not a person who lacks money, just that I ran into some difficulties currently. The amount (money) is not important, but we can be friends."

I asked again, "How can you totally not have any money with you?" At this point, he became slightly abashed and said, "Frankly, though I feel ashamed to tell you, but I lost all my money in Genting last night.." My uneasiness radar was increasing... a gambler now?

He continued in his ramblings, "If you have the chance to come to Beijing in 2008 for the Olympics, you can call me up. Come together with your family, and all you expenses, air ticket, will be paid by me." This was sounding a bit overboard now, isn't it? He now emphasized on how we could be friends, saying things like "We're all Chinese, all descendants of the dragon - long de chuan ren." I suddenly felt like saying, "I'm sorry, but I'm a Christian."

*Sigh* I so didn't know how to handle the situation, and whether to believe him or not. What's more, I was alone, with no one to consult. Finally, I decided that I couldn't risk giving him my handphone number, or the money, even the RM 10 he suggested.

I said I had to leave. He made one more final attempt before giving up and letting me off. I breathed in relief...

*So what do you think? A cheat, or not?

Soon to End

I'm in the second last week of my practical training already... Hahaha... I'm having mixed feelings though; not sure if I'm glad to have a break from working, or worried that I'll still face so many difficulties in my studies later... Well, nothing I can do about that, but just to wait and see.

My training has made me learn so many things, not only in expanding my very limited knowledge of architecture, but even more in life and living. During the course that I have been in this company, I have witnessed so much that would usually happen within a longer duration of time:

- My company has split into two smaller companies, with 2 bosses leaving to set up their company independently.
- Due to that, lots of furniture, computers (with valuable softwares), people and office equipments has been moved leaving the office half empty and full of cleaning to do.
- A colleague who was pregnant for 3 months getting a miscarriage due to all the stress.
- Another male colleague who left after a trainee reported to the police for harassment.
- The departure and resignation of approx. 10+ people (including those who left to the other company)
- Hence the employment of new architects, 3 of which one only stayed for 3 days (she was a fresh grad though - assistant architect).

Seemingly unconcerned with me, yet having to go along with these ups and downs, inevitably makes me really quite burnt out physically and mentally. But, when I mention this, most people would say, "Next time you'd be stronger."

If one would ask if I gained anything from this industrial training, I would answer in the affirmative, maybe not the knowledge I was seeking, but the experiences that came knocking.