Gain and Loss

I think I understand now. Why people say that the longer you stay out of school, the more likely it will be hard for you to go back. 

I can say, from my experience right now, that if I had chosen this route right after finishing high school, or even after my Diploma, I would have found everything easier. I would be in the right set of mind, in the habit and routine of being a student, and have the background knowledge more easily retrievable.

But what I'm feeling more keenly right now, is how much your priorities and values change after you come out of school and how that change affects you when you jump back and seemingly get into a phase you were in before. For me, furthering my education has always been my dream. And believe it or not, I love studying. I thirst for new knowledge. Which is why I hung on to making studies my main priority after so many years of not studying. And I believed that my strive for studying would never diminish.

It feels a bit surreal now that I'm doing what I have longed for. Now that I'm actually away in another country, away from familiar surroundings, friends I care for and my beloved family. Doing what I am now makes me happy because it is what I wanted. At the same time, I can't help feeling selfish, at the expense of the people I love and care about. I no longer have the time I would want to talk to them and be concerned for their daily happenings. I sympathise and wish to listen, but I have a billion other things to do and think about. Things that concern me, and the education that I wished for myself. It feels like I am failing to be there for them in times when they are down, cry, see them grow and change.

I always knew it wasn't going to be easy, going back into school. And now... I can only say, perhaps this was something you were never going to understand unless you went through it yourself.

After all, there is another thing people always say.

In every gain there is a loss.

Coming back

I've not exactly made good on my promise to update my blog more regularly :P

It's just that so many things have been going on that I've not had the energy to do much... I shall perhaps write a brief recap here, that will not do the events any justice but it's just better than nothing... (I'm feeling like I'm sounding like one of my friends but that's another story...).

Hmmm... the biggest thing that happened was of course my theatre performance :D No words can describe what kind of experience this has been. The intense periods brought with them times of utter joy and moments when I was so touched and overcome with emotion that I couldn't help but cry. The content of the play we performed had a hand in this, I think, because it made us, or me at least, confront so many hidden things in me. And now I would like to think that the cast and crew of Living with Lady Macbeth share a very special bond because of all we've been through as a group. I learnt so much from everyone involved and I certainly hope I contributed my share.

Thanks to Annie's camera :)

Another event that I participated in was a trip we organized to Lamma Island together with a lot of the exchange students. It was a very pleasant time being out and about, despite the fact that I kinda got "tricked" into hiking up a "refreshing" trail. Yeah, right. Anyway, I was happy because I got to eat lots of seafood, which I love. Hehehehehe.... 

And just slightly before that, I finally participated in an outing with the Photography Society I joined since last semester. We went to a village which was about to be demolished because the Government was reclaiming it for an MTR project. And because these things never happen without meeting any resistance and unfairness, we walked into a place that looked torn down and ravaged. We were asked to think about what we wanted to capture, and the emotions we felt, if any. It was a new experience because I saw photography for a specific purpose that day.

In between all that, was all the times I gathered with my friends just having some food (sushi or McD mostly) and chatting down at the Learning Commons. Topics were so random they ranged from food allergies to drunken incidents to relationships and friendships and old school stories. Laughed till there were tears in my eyes. Good times. 

Now, I need to settle down, and calm myself. Out of all my subjects, I have probably only been making sense of one or two of them, and skimming the surface of all the others. First exam next Tuesday. OH MYYYY.... Ok, breathe.

I will be back.

Sonnet

We were asked to read some poems for our coming Literature class, and one of them particularly resonated with me...

Sonnet
by Edna St Vincent Millay

Time does not bring relief; you all have lied
Who told me time would ease me of my pain!
I miss him in the weeping of the rain;
I want him at the shrinking of the tide;
The old snows melt from every mountain-side,
And last year's leaves are smoke in every lane;
But last year's bitter loving must remain
Heaped on my heart, and my old thoughts abide.
There are a hundred places where I fear
To go, - so with his memory they brim.
And entering with relief some quiet place
Where never fell his foot or shone his face
I say, "There is no memory of him here!"
And so stand stricken, so remembering him.

Space

I have a group of friends that I usually hang out with, whether it's for going to classes together, having meals before or after class, and doing activities outside campus. Then I found myself doing something - I started avoiding the company of one or two of the people in the group. I didn't feel like talking to the person, tried getting out of situations whereby we would be caught in one place, and just outright uninvited myself when I knew the person would be there. When coincidence happens and we still ended up meeting in our "clique", I avoided conversation, eye contact and kept a distance. The fact that I was conscious of what I was doing all along made me feel like I was mean and treating my friend(s) unfairly.

I'm not sure what prompted me to act that way. And it doesn't go away after a day, or two days even. Sometimes it takes three days, or up to a week. After that, I find myself losing the sense of impatience and annoyance towards the person, turning back to the friendly and "sociable" me.

Might this be because I grew too used to being in my own company? That I can stay in my room all alone for a day without feeling lonely? I can only say, sometimes I just need my space. Some space for me to breathe, take a step back, evaluate and come back.

If any of my friends find this post, I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive, or maybe understand what was it that happened.

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On a separate note, I bought new colour pens today!! I love the colours so much, and am motivated to take down notes and write just because of that :)

Woohoo~!

Restart

I looked at the number of blog posts I wrote in 2010 - 4. Hahahahaha! I cannot believe myself.

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It's ten days into the new year now, a year which I passed peacefully in a place I'm wondrously beginning to be familiar with. My new semester has begun, with seemingly heavier workloads and stricter professors. I feel like I have not even wrapped my head around last semester's stuff yet before this new semester came, bombarding me with tons of new information.

I'm going to work at updating my blog, for the sake of my dear family and friends who are not with me, so they can know what's going on in my life. Not sure what exactly to write now, but felt I need to start posting something first. Hahaha... What shall I talk about? Shall I talk about my studies first?

The subjects I'm taking this semester are:

1. Introduction to Literary Studies I

2. English Grammar 1

3. Sociolinguistics

4. Teaching & Learning

5. Human Intimacy: Friendship, Dating & Marriage

6. Access English (*grrrr*)

I've no idea when the results for the previous semester will be released. I suppose I'll do ok, trying not to raise my hopes high because there was some work I wasn't satisfied with, but also some which I thought was ok. And resolution for this new semester, together with a couple of my classmates, is researching and starting our assignments EARLY so we don't become deadline fighters again like last semester =.=

As for the church life, I really enjoy and appreciate the Christ among the brothers and sisters here. I'm currently attending the Lord's Table on Saturday night with young working saints and campus saints in Shatin. There's also an English home meeting I attend on Wednesdays. The Lord has shown me much grace in preserving me in the Body, where there is mutual love, shepherding and encouragement as we seek to be constituted and built up together. I'm also practicing and learning to serve with the guitar. May the Lord continue to direct my paths in the coming days....

From Shatin, Hong Kong

Checking in from Shatin, Hong Kong so that people back home won't think that I've forgotten them :P

After packing, putting clothes into vacuum bags, taking them out to repack, and doing stuff like this:

Giving teddy a bath before his journey with me. He doesn't look too happy about it...

I am now safely in Hong Kong. And I say safely because... it was quite exciting at the airport yesterday. When I took a boarding pass, I only spared it a glance without taking in any important details. And those who sent me off knows about how we took out own sweet time saying goodbyes. 

Then I finally looked properly at my boarding pass as I walked towards the departure gate. "Boarding gate closes 20 minutes before departure time." My flight was at 4.40 p.m.

It was 4.17 pm.

I brisk walked to the Immigration counter. Thank the Lord that there were no people for Malaysian passports. I heard them announcing "Final call for..." Once I was cleared, I ran down all the way and across the hall to the T9 boarding gate.

Phew! I made it, with a deserved back pain after the running with a heavy laptop bag on my back.

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After approximately 3 hours and 45 minutes, there I was!

Now, I'm staying at the Hong Kong Bible Research and Education Centre, which is the place for FTTHK, and Shatin district meetings. 

Today, I just remained at this place, and helped around in the cleaning service as there is a week-long perfecting training for 350 saints from China. Taking it free and easy at the moment :)

I'll be going to the Institute tomorrow with two sisters who are also studying there. More updates and photos soon!

6.40 a.m.

My dad is about to wake up.

From that sentence above, you should be able to surmise...

That I have been staying awake, as opposed to waking up uncharacteristically early.

There is no reason that I should be though (staying awake).

And since I'm awake, I should be editing my last freelance workbook. Or washing the bedding that I want to bring over to Hong Kong.

But I am not doing any of that.

In fact, I am not doing particularly anything.

Leaving me with heavy eyes without accomplishing anything. And I have some things to settle later when Mum wakes up. And the workbook to hand in later at night.

And on top of everything, I am very, very, very hungry.

Sleep.